Suspicion: After Paradise Lost
by This Rhythm
Summary: Winter break in St. Barths was supposed to be fun and games until a new stalker arrived and made hell for Reed. Relationships break while new ones form, and of course, there's always drama in between. Continues right after Paradise Lost. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Private, or anything affiliated with it.**

Ok so I know I'm super, super late to write my own version of Suspicion. I've been on this website many times just to read everyone's own version of Private. Anyway, this is my first time I've EVER written any story, not including school reports. The first chapter of Suspicion is out; you can view it here: /katesblog/ . I tired to keep it close to the original chapter as I could. This follows right after Paradise Lost. Enjoy! Reviews would be great appreciated.

* * *

Time

It was warm; very warm. Not in a bad way though. And bright, kind of like the God light. I felt oddly at peace, not caring where I was at…the warmth of the blanket was like a drug; I didn't want to move an inch…

Suddenly, I was aware of a presence near me. A person was lying down next to me. I turned to my right side, just to get a better view. His beautiful blue eyes were looking at me with passion and his dark brown hair, so familiar…

_Thomas. _

He was smiling and he looked beautiful. _Thomas is actually here. Does that mean I'm dead? _A million questions rushed to my head. He began to smile more bright, as if he was reading my mind. A sudden urge of longing came to me, and all I wanted to do was to touch him. He was unlike the Thomas that I had known. The angry lines were gone from his face and it was replaced with a calmness that I longed to see.

"Miss me?" he said. His voice sounded like pure silk. He smiled again.

I turned even more to get a better view. How many times did I wish to see him? How many times did I want to tell him that I was sorry? I wanted to know so much...and then I started to cry. I didn't know why I started to cry, but I did. I kept staring at his all too beautiful face, but the tears kept on coming. Thomas looked alarmed. He began to brush the tears off my face.

"Reed, it's ok. It really is. Shhh, you're fine… I'm fine." He then pulled me closer to him. My face was buried against his chest, and he resumed stroking my hair again. I could feel the tears slowing down. I looked up, and again he was smiling. "Better?"

I hugged him and said "Yes." We laid there, I don't know how long, but we did for an infinite amount of time. I began to remember the times that we spent together, the way he would look at me, the way he would kiss me. And then I remembered the awful news I received. That Thomas was murdered. The crushing feeling. The feeling that I was going to fall into pieces. It was all too much. Then I began to wonder where I was. Really, what kind of place was this? Heaven? Was I in hell because I had sex when I was 16, even though I was supposed to wait until marriage?

I looked up again. "Thomas?"

"Hmm?". His eyes were closed.

"Where am I? Am I in some kind of heaven or something?"

He laughed. He looked at me and said, "Well, where do you want to be?" _Huh? Heaven must have made Thomas a little bit too fuzzy…_

"Sorry for the cryptic stuff". I laughed. "but we're nowhere special. You're dreaming Reed. Sort of."

"Sort of? Does that mean I'm in some kind of coma state?" my heart began to beat faster. I was getting kind of scared. Suddenly, I began to recall the yacht, the party, and someone pushing me over… _fuck the world. _People were just plain crazy. This was much better.

His dark brows dug deeper into his skin. "Not that I know of…"

I didn't want him to get troubled with my questions. "It's nice here. Calm, peaceful. Better than Easton". At this, we both laughed, his a quiet musical chuckle. Suddenly, he turned serious. He leaned down toward me, his blue eyes piercing.

"Reed? You need to go back. It's not time." At this, he kissed me. It was warm, and passionate. I kissed him back, missing the affectionate feeling I got from him…and Josh. My arms wrapped around his neck, and I brought him closer to me. After a moment, he pulled back. His eyes were sparkling with sadness and joy. "You've gone through a lot. Don't give up now."

But…I didn't want to leave. It was nice here, and Thomas was with me. "But Thomas…I don't want to leave. I like it here. It's hell back there. People have tried to kill me _three_ times already! I'm so tired of it…" I shuddered at my close encounters. He hugged me tighter.

"Reed, I love you. But you can't stay here." We both lied down on the comfy bed. I knew he was right. Inside my head, I sighed. I then remembered I wanted to say something to him. "Thomas, I'm sorry. About me. About Arianna. About how you had to suffer…". The tears started to fall again. "I'm so sorry". I broke down after that. I couldn't contain it. Through the thickness of my tears, I saw a glitter of anger and then guilt.

"No Reed, I'm the one who needs to apologize. I treated you like a piece of dirt. I didn't know how to be with someone so pure, innocent, and someone better than me." He sighed. "I love you, and it's a poor excuse for what I did. But it's all in the past." He kissed me. We laid there for another infinite amount of time. It was perfect. Slowly, I felt my body being disconnected. I was melting away. I was sad that I was leaving Thomas, but…it felt right. And I was glad that I got to see him all happy. As I was slipping away, Thomas gave me another kiss and smiled.

And now I was back.


	2. Chapter 2

Welcome Home, Reed

_Beep…beep...beep…_

Ugh. It was such an annoying sound. I wanted to go back to sleep. The beeping continued. Frustrated, I decided to get up. First off- the eye lids. They were so damn heavy. It took me a couple to tries to open them. When I finally did, I saw rows and rows of flowers and presents. The fact that I had nice admirers' was nice to know. I realized that I was in a smelly, old hospital. So not like the place with Thomas. My eyes began to readjust. I turned my head to the side, and a saw a boy sitting in the arm chair in the corner. He was tall, handsome and had some seriously nice arms. He was reading a book.

Almost instantly, he looked up. His grayish-brownish eyes were covered with concern. "Hey," he said. He came by my bed, sat down on the chair that was next to the bed and took my hand. It was soft and warm. "How are you feeling? Do you want anything?" I was slowly coming back to reality. I smiled. "I'm fine, Sawyer" I managed to croak. He chuckled quietly. He got up and poured me a glass of water from the jug. "Here, drink this."

I tried to get up, but with no avail. Sawyer wrapped his arm around my back and lifted me up. He began to pour the cool water in my mouth. I soon realized that I was extremely thirsty. I chugged the water down, which was very un-lady like. He was quietly laughing. "Do you want more?" he asked politely. All I could do was shake my head no. I laid back down. Sawyer sat next to me again.

"How long was I out?" I was afraid he was going to say 2 weeks.

"Just a day. Everyone came to see you. Noelle was here a couple of minutes before you woke up, but she was complaining about not being able to have her maid here to give her coffee…" I smiled. Typical Noelle. I soon realized that that was the most I ever heard Sawyer say. Why was he here, out of all people?

Not that I objected. It was very sweet of him to be here with me, even though we barely knew each other. "What happened?" He looked up, and his face pretty much read you-don't- wanna-know.

"Well I was looking for you on the yacht. I wanted to say thank you for giving me a…a fun time despite…" He smiled sadly. "We all saw Upton run after Poppy and we kind of figured…" he looked down, blushing. "Noelle said that we should leave you alone for a while. Which we did but we never saw you get out- at least I didn't. Everyone was drunk. So I started to look for you and I couldn't find you anywhere." His voice began to fill with anxiety and worry. He looked up at me. "It was scary- I searched _everywhere_ on the boat and I couldn't find you. I ended up going to the captain and told him to have the lights on. We were looking for about ten minutes when I saw you. I jumped in. I didn't think. The seas- they were so rough!" he exclaimed. "I thought you were dead". He looked down again, a deep scarlet blush covering his face. I was touched- immeasurably touched. I motioned for his hand. I squeezed it, amazed by the vulnerability of Sawyer. "Thank you. So, so much." I truly meant it. His eyes lingered onto my mine, and… he really did have nice eyes…

Abruptly, the door was banged open. Sawyer and I flinched. He took his hand back. "REEEEDDDDDD!!!!!! OH MY GOD THANK GOD YOU ARE OK!!!!!" Holy shit it was Noelle, screaming her ass off. I laughed weakly.

"Hey, I'm totally fine. Stop freaking out!" Despite her loud entrance, I was touched. She came over to me and gave me the biggest bear hug I had ever received from her. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sawyer backing away from the bed and heading towards the door. I mouthed a "Thank you". He nodded and left.

After Noelle released me after an eternity, she said "Goddammit Reed! We were like going fucking crazy! We were so worried…" she sat down on the chair Sawyer recently occupied. She buried her face in her hands. "Poppy said that you probably jumped out because you didn't get to sleep with Upton, she's a stupid bitch so no one listened to her…"

Hold on a minute. _Poppy?_ Fuck Poppy. And what was she doing here- in my business in the first place? That stupid blonde bimbo was probably the one who pushed me! "What the hell was _Poppy_ doing all up in _my_ business?" I was surprised by the amount of venom I put in those words. And apparently, so was Noelle.

"Whoa, calm down Glass-Licker. Poppy was all upset and she said that she felt horrible for treating you like cr-"

"Jesus Noelle! I was pushed off a goddamn boat! She hates me! And the two accidents that happened! It wasn't coincidence!" I started to hear a frantic beeping from the machine. My words started to rush out. "She would do anything to hurt me! And I'll bet you she was lying about feeling horrible and-

"Reed!" she looked alarmed. "Calm down. I'm not saying that Poppy is your best friend or anything. We just don't know what happened, and there aren't that many eye witness accounts." She leaned back in her chair. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

I sighed. "Well, I-

I was cut off from a light knocking on the door. Noelle got up and opened the door. It was a doctor, followed in by a nurse. The doctor was very, well, handsome. God, what was up with this island and hot men? He smiled and said "Hello Reed. My name is Dr. Bessette". He had a very sexy- but slight- French accent. _Ok Reed, he's a lot older than you…_

He started to look at my charts, and the nurse went to the ivy and checked the monitor. "You have a concussion, I'm afraid Reed. It is neither big or small, but you will have to be careful. He looked up at me. "I've given you some medicine to make the pain go away. There's some inflammation in your brain also, but with the medicine that we are giving you it should calm it down. Anything else?" He smiled.

Anything else? I have a fucking concussion! He made it so matter of fact! Before he could leave, I asked "So when will I being going back to school?" I had to leave this place ASAP.

He looked at me sort of guiltily. "Well, considering that you have to travel on a plane, you won't be able to go just yet. At least for another month." He smiled a fake doctor smile.

Instantly, I could feel my blood pressure go up. "No no no. ...School. You can't just leave me here! In the hospital! I-" I began to hyperventilate.

Noelle took my hand and said "Reed, calm down" She turned to the doctor. "Dr. Bessette, why does Reed have to stay here for a month?" she asked in an innocent voice. He looked taken aback for a second. "Uh well the pressure in the plane could very well kill her if she goes now so…"

I sighed. I had to stay here, in St. Barths, in a fucking hospital for a month. _What a life_. Was I going stay here the whole time? In a smelly hospital? A million questions bubbled in my head. Then all of a sudden, my head started to feel fuzzy. I couldn't really make out the words after that, but I had a feeling the nurse gave me a very large dose of medicine. All I wanted to do now was sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

A Healthy Break

I finally woke up after a very nice nap. I saw the clock on the opposite wall and it read 9:15 pm. I looked out the window and saw the deep blue Caribbean sea, all dark and mysterious. As I was looking at the ocean, I felt something brush against my skin. Instantly, I stiffened hoping it was nothing. Well, it was something- Upton.

His head was on my bed and his hand was wrapped around mine. He was sleeping. From this angle, he looked immeasurably cute. His cockiness and the whole "player" look was gone from his face and replaced by innocence. _Well,_ I thought, _not until he wakes up._ I tried to take my hand back, but his hand was wrapped around mine really tight. I moved a centimeter of my hand when he woke up.

Goodness, why did he have to be so hot? His hair was ruffled and it looked like he didn't have too much sleep. His gorgeous blue eyes looked worried and there were bags under his eyes. He straightened up and said "Hey, Reed. How are you feeling?" the hand I was trying to get back was only more tightly wound around his. Ugh.

I looked towards the ceiling and said, "Fine" as indifferent I could say. Immediately, I felt Upton react to my response. _Good. He deserves some cold treatment after what he did to me._ I thought about the last encounter I had with Upton. He left me to run after _Poppy_ after she saw us, uh well in bed. That son of a bitch deserved nothing. I was so humiliated! He claimed that he loved me but he left me to run after a good old friend. A good old psycho, British friend.

"Reed?" I sensed worry and confusion in his voice.

I kept on staring at the ceiling. I…I almost died because of one of his crazy ex's. He left me. He was such a player. Pretty soon, tears started to fall down.

"Reed!? It's ok. Everything is over and you're safe now". He tried to brush the tears off my face but I pushed his hand back. "No Upton". I turned to him. "Not now".

He looked hurt and offended. He leaned back in his chair, defeated. He ran his hand through his hair, as if he was contemplating something. "Ok crap… well Reed I'm so so sorry. It was wrong to leave you there. It's just I've known these people for such a long time, and they felt a little threatened about you so-"

_Threatened? _By me? Wow. I turned my head and faced Upton. I was so angry. How dare he defend these people? How dare he? "Wow Upton. You're defending them? Over me? And you claim to love me?" I slight hysterical edge was coming in my voice. "I almost died! And here you are, protecting the people who have made my winter break hell! I…I hate you. What you did to me was…excruciating. I was so embarrassed! God Upton, really, what were you thinking?". I couldn't believe I just said that. The tears stopped flowing and my breathing calmed down. It actually felt really good.

The look in Upton's face was worthy of a Kodak moment. First, shock swept through his face. Then confusion. Then an understanding. Then anger. He deliberated for a second before saying "Is that how you really feel about me? Do you truly hate me?" his blue eyes were piercing.

I thought about it. Did I really hate him? I caught him kissing someone else before, but I took him back. I was so unsure of him. He was a player. He didn't know how to treat a lady. But…the way he would look at me! Such longing and feeling.

_No Reed. You know he's trouble._

I would never be able to rest if I were to be with him. Who knows, maybe I would be thrown off another boat again. I really was tired of all this bullshit.

I exhaled. "No not really but…I would always have to look behind my back and watch out for crazy ex's. I would always worry if you were hooking up with some other girl. I wouldn't feel safe. It's too much. I don't want you to get caught in my affairs". Unwillingly, I looked up at Upton. He looked so hurt. He obviously wasn't used to rejection. He stood up. Quietly he said "I understand". He then leaned in and kissed me. It was short and sweet. "Just know that I didn't regret a single moment I was with you". I smiled sadly.

As he turned towards the door I said "Upton? You're a wonderful guy…just not for me". All he did was shake his head. It was over. _Wow, that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Huh._

Or at least I hoped.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own Private or anything affiliated with it.**

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for all the reviews! you guys have really made my day! anyway, i have one quick question and a possible spoiler: what do you guys think of josh/reed? i mean, things have obviously changed between them. so what do you think should happen? Reviews are greatly appreciated. Thanks again!

* * *

Well-Wishes

After Upton left, I started to think. Was it a good idea? I soon realized I was alone again when the door was loudly opened. "Reed!" squealed Kiran and Taylor followed in by Noelle, Dash, and Gage. The whole Easton crew. But where was Josh?

Despite the setback, I laughed. It was nice to see them. After a few very big hugs from Kiran and Taylor, even one from _Gage_ (although I felt my shoulder start to hurt afterwards) it was nice. I felt comforted. Dash brought me some flowers, and they were beautiful orange lilies. I murmured a "Thanks" and he smiled. They all began to chat when Gage asked "What happened Reed?". Instantly the whole room went quiet. I sighed.

"Well, I'm guessing you all saw Upton run after Poppy". I blushed.

"Way to go Farm Girl! Maybe you can ride with me next time!" said Gage. Ew.

Everyone rolled their eyes. Apparently everyone wanted to know what happened; they would deal with Gage later. I continued.

"Well, I was really embarrassed so I decided to go out to the deck. You know, to think. But then I felt someone tug the diamond necklace that Noelle gave me. They grabbed it and shoved my head on the railing. I sort of blacked out but I saw someone…" I trailed off.

"Who?" pushed Noelle. Everyone was staring at me intently.

"Well…they were wearing a long black coat or something. And I saw long blonde hair". _Poppy's hair, I bet._

Everyone was quiet. Finally Dash said, "Do you think it was…?"

"No" said Noelle. "That crazy bitch is locked up. And there are more blondes than Arianna." _Arianna_. It couldn't be. It had to be someone else. Besides, Noelle just informed us that she was locked up.

_It's ok Reed._ It was. And I knew for a fact it was Poppy. She was crazy. "Guys, it's not Arianna. It was Poppy. I know it. She was jealous of me and Upton. Why else? " Everyone's head snapped up.

"Reed? You don't know that for sure" said Taylor. Instantly, my defenses went up. Taylor was such a wannabe. Sometimes she seemed like a plain loser. And why was she defending Poppy in the first place?

"Well Taylor, I'm sorry I don't drool all over Poppy's feet like you do, but I really hate that bitch. And vice versa. So save your breath." Wow. I couldn't believe I just said that. I stole a glance at Taylor and she looked like she was about to cry.

"Ok…" started Kiran. "I think we should tell the police. I mean the last two times, Reed was right about someone stalking her." Everyone murmured "Yeah's" and "I think that's right." I looked at Noelle. She seemed deep in thought. She spoke. "Ok then. Lets tell the police. But I doubt they can do anything. There's hardly any enough evidence to actually make it something worthwhile to pursue." Although I hated what Noelle just said, she was right. She turned to me. "Reed, if you notice anything call the cops. Don't be stupid. Don't go by yourself. Don't investigate by yourself," she said matter of fact-ly.

"Yeah Farm Girl, you can't be Chuck Norris for now. But you know, when you get all better you can really test your guns with me" said Gage. I gaped at him. He was so gross! Dash punched him on the arm, which was followed by a "You're so disgusting, Gage" courtesy of Kiran.

"Well, I think we should go" mentioned Dash. He looked at the girls. "At least, Gage and I." Although Gage looked like he didn't want to leave, he left anyway. After the boys said their well- wishes and left, Kiran said "I think we should go too. It's late." I nodded, still a little sleepy from the meds. The three girls were about to leave when I asked Noelle to stay. Kiran and Taylor gave the she-loves-Noelle-more-but-lets-not-ruin-the-moment look to each other. In truth, I wanted to know if Josh knew about my condition. If he did, why haven't I heard anything yet?

"Noelle? Does Josh know that I'm in the hospital?" I was shaking from embarrassment and nervousness. Her faced hardened a bit and she said "Yeah but he didn't pick up. I left a voicemail." Well that was good. At least he knew- I think.

"What did you say?" I hoped Noelle didn't tell him to get his blonde ass over here.

"Uh well…I said 'Josh, get your ass over to St. Barth's now. Reed is in the hospital. If you really want her to get better come. Now. ASAP.'" She gave exactly the response I was hoping she wasn't going to give. I groaned.

"Noelle…" I started off. She cut me off then.

"Reed, he didn't even bother to call or text." I looked at her and realized that she was right. A heavy feeling began to form in my chest. She came over and kissed me on the forehead. "Get better Glass-Licker." She smiled and left.

Yes. All I had to do now was get better and not worry about anything. It was going to be alright. But a tiny voice in the back of my head said:

_How many times have you thought that, but you turned out wrong?_

I couldn't really ignore that.


	5. Chapter 5

Josh?

The next three days went by in a blur. I was drugged half the time, so that was probably the reason why I didn't know half of the things that were going on. I was loosely aware of _everyone_ meeting me- I mean even the _Ryan's_ came. That is, only Daniel and Paige. Even Sienna and Amberly came. There was the absence of Upton and Poppy, of course. Not that I cared about the blonde bitch.

Sawyer came by to visit me a few times. He was a pleasant guy to talk to. He was always very polite and conversation flowed naturally between us. Well actually, it was me talking the whole time. One time I complimented on his eyes, and at first he timidly said thank you, but I could've sworn he was smiling when he left.

I also talked to the police, and they said they would look into it. At first, they didn't seem that interested, but after a very penetrating glare from Noelle, they were eager to help me.

But there was also the absence of Josh. Where was he? Did he even care? Did he think, 'Oh here we go again. Another Reed fiasco'? On the fourth day of my stay, Josh _finally_ came. I was looking at the French version of Vogue, something Kiran told me to read for it helped my "poor fashion sense", when I heard a slight knock on the door. I didn't say anything, because I thought it was Noelle or someone else. Slowly, the door opened. I looked up and there he was. Josh Hollis, looking ever so adorable with his curly blonde hair, and his green/blue eyes. He had roses in his hand. I was speechless.

A million emotions rushed into my head. I wanted him so bad! He was everything to me! I thought that after the note that I gave him and after hearing Sabine's confession, he would've came to talk to me. But he never did. He didn't even call.

Of course, being the good person he was, he stayed with Ivy, his current girlfriend who got shot because of me. A lump began to form in my throat. _Oh no, I can't start crying now…_

"Reed." He said it as a statement. He came forward, and he set the flowers on the table beside me. Josh seemed so worried, so concerned. At that point, I was angry at myself for thinking that he didn't care. Of course he cared! The look in his eyes, the longing, the times that we would kiss, and touch each other…

He took my hand and he looked down at it. I thought he just wanted to savor the moment, but when he glanced up, there were tears in his eyes. Real, actual tears. For me, and only me. At this, I started to cry also. I was vaguely aware of him sitting down, but all I knew was that he was here. _Josh is actually here. _I don't know how long we were like that, but he sat on the chair by my bed and I was lying down, both of us crying. Josh kissed my hand many times. At the moment, I knew that he was the one.

Why were we crying? Or me at least? I thought I lost him. Forever. And when he took the plunge to save me, I thought _he_ had died. No one would look at me the way Josh did. He made me feel safe, secure, and loved. Josh was there for me when Thomas and Cheyenne died. He understood everything about me.

But he wasn't really mine. There was Ivy, who needed him too. I didn't know her too well, but I'm sure that she had feelings for him also. That made me feel worse, and more tears began to pour down. Finally, our "down pours" calmed down after a while. Josh looked at me. He gave a small laugh, as if he was embarrassed with his excessive crying.

"Thank God you're ok Reed. When I heard the voicemail by Noelle, I…" he trailed off. He smiled sadly. "I thought, why her?" I kept on looking at him straight in the eye. My chest began to swell, and I began to hope. This was it. The moment I had been waiting for. The moment where I would say "I love you too, Josh" and we would hug and kiss for eternity.

Instead, he said "Ivy told me to get my blonde butt over here. She practically shoved me out the door." He chuckled quietly, but forcefully. _Ivy_. _Gosh Reed, why even choose to hope. He didn't even come on his own will. _The hopeful feeling was washed away and quickly replaced by another lump in my throat. I looked away from Josh, which was hard to do. Why was he here if he wasn't going to tell me that he loved me? Even if he was still with Ivy, was it wrong to tell the person that you love "I love you"? Despite feeling sad for myself, I started to get angry. Why did he have to mention Ivy right now? He knew how I felt about him. Why, then?

I pursed my lips. "Yeah, Ivy is a great person. I can imagine her doing that" I said flatly. I stole a glance at him. The tone of my voice caught him off guard. "Reed, look I…God this is so hard" started Josh. Was he finally going to explain everything to me?

He took a long breath. "Ok. Um, I'm going to say things you might not like. But I'm being honest with you." I nodded. At least it was something. "After Legacy…I was so mad. I was beyond angry. When I asked you to choose Billings or me, I felt that you were slowly slipping away from me. The first time I saw you, I thought 'Wow, she's gorgeous. She's not like the other girls who care about boys and money. And then…you adjusted to the life of Billings." Here, Josh took a deep breath. I realized that I was holding mine the whole time. It took another minute for Josh to get his thoughts back.

"You- well I- felt that you were more interested in being something bigger and better than you already are. But Reed," he took my face with one of his hands, "you're so much better than drunken parties and glamorous clothes. You are everything that they will never be! You have morals and wit and you're smart! Smart and beautiful and full of life. The Reed that I fell in love with didn't care about that." He paused. _The Reed that I fell in love with didn't care about that? So what, does he not love me anymore for succumbing to the glamorous life I always wanted?_

I angrily looked up. "So what now? Am I so different, that you don't even bother to call me?" I saw a hint of anger and then guilt in Josh's face. "Sorry. It's just…Josh you have… you have money, and resources and people to get you anything you want…" I trailed off. He was staring at me intently. "Josh, I would never want to lose you. You're too important. But Billings is too." He gave me a shocked and confused look. "No, no it's not like that!" I practically screamed. "You mean everything to me!" I didn't realize I was yelling at him. _I don't want to lose you Josh,_ I thought. _I want you even if you have someone else. Please, please God…_

Josh then cupped my face with both of his hands. He looked at me, with such passion and love that it was impossible to think anything. "Do I really mean everything to you?" he asked quietly.

I whispered "Yes."

I knew it was wrong, and I'm sure he did too. Regardless, he leaned down and kissed me. He kissed me with so much love, that my heart exploded. After a moment, he pulled away. He put his lips to my ear and said "You're my life, Reed Brennen." There. He said it. They weren't the exact words, but they were perfect. Everything was perfect.

* * *

what do you think about this chapter? i know reed and josh have gone through a lot, and i was kind of hesitant to have them kiss but...i have a little something up my sleeve :) anyway, tell me what you think! and thanks for the reviews!

p.s. for all you sawyer fans- he's coming real fast. don't worry!


	6. Chapter 6

Good News

I spent another two days at the hospital. Everything was in a hustle, because everyone was going back to school four days from now. Apparently, I had missed a killer party; it was also held on a yacht, so I didn't even bother to complain.

Josh was there so everything was polished to perfection, despite the aroma of the hospital. Good news came by when the doctor said I could leave, but that meant I had to go to a rehab center. Everyone was leaving in a couple of days, so I couldn't stay with anyone. It pained me to know that I was going to be in a rehab center just to recover my head, when now was the perfect time to use my gambling money to buy a house. Just when I thought I was going to rot in a rehab center for a month, I found out I wasn't.

Before I actually left the hospital, I was still cooped up in my room with Josh, when someone knocked on the door. Josh went to open the door when I saw the whole Hathaway family enter. I mean _everyone_- Mr. and Mrs. Hathaway, followed in by Graham and Sawyer. I was shocked. What the hell were they doing here?

Mr. Hathaway came by me. "Hello, Reed. I'm Sawyer and Graham's father, and this is their mother," he gestured toward his wife. I smiled and shook his hand. "Please to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Hathaway."_ Now, why are you really here?_ The family shared pleasantries with Josh also; I thought I saw Sawyer shake Josh's hand a bit too rough, but that's just me.

"Now Reed, I'm sure that you're wondering as to why we're here," started off Mr. Hathaway. I smiled. He was a pleasant guy. "Sawyer told us about how you had to spend time at a rehab center for a month. We can only imagine how you feel. We then decided to let you live in our home for the time being. Sawyer will be with you, so you won't be all alone." I was shocked. They were letting me live in their home for a month! I was extremely touched.

I stood up, and faced Mr. Hathaway. "I…don't know what to say! Thank you so, so much." I really was. I barely knew these people and they were willing to let me live in their home. But why was Sawyer the only one staying? Didn't he have school?

"Mr. Hathaway, doesn't Sawyer have school? I don't want him to miss out just because of what happened to me." I glanced at Sawyer, and he looked a little smug. Mr. Hathaway laughed. "Oh this boy?" he patted Sawyer on the shoulder. "He already has enough credits to graduate! He has already done most of the second semester, so he's alright. And besides, I got the job as the new headmaster at Easton, and the boys will be going there too. I can always tweak something…" Wow. This was one smart family. I looked at Josh, and his mouth was hanging out a bit. Sawyer's smartness kind of reminded me of Taylor.

Mr. Hathaway clapped his hands. "Well then, I think we should get going." He looked around. "We'll see you later, Reed. Get better."

I looked at everyone. "Thank you, again. And congratulations on your new job, Mr. Hathaway." One by one, everyone left. The boys gave their well-wishes and also said good-bye to Josh. I turned to him. " Thank God I won't have to rot in a rehab center for a month." I sat back down on the bed. I was trying to let it sink in. Josh sat down next to me.

"Yeah, it was really nice of them. I don't know them, but they seem like a good family." He wrapped his arms around me. "Just think. You won't be in a center surrounded by doctors and nurses. And I heard Sawyer can cook pretty well. Considering how much you eat." I playfully punched him in the arm. He hugged me tighter; we stayed like that for a few minutes.

I was extremely happy to be staying at the Hathaway's house rather than a rehab center. But then I thought about Sawyer and how reserved he was. What would I be doing the whole time? Stay bored and watch T.V. with Sawyer in the other room? As I began to think about that, I suddenly remembered Mr. Hathaway mentioning that _Sawyer_ told them about my predicament, and he was probably the one who suggested that I should stay at his house in the first place. I smiled. He was such a caring guy. Then thought about how he was dealing with the death of sister; at least I knew how he felt.

However, twenty questions were going to have to wait. Because now, Josh started to kiss me on the neck, and was slowly working his way up to my lips. And that my friend, simply cannot wait.

* * *

thanks everyone for the reviews! suspicion comes out in like less than 20 something days, so i'm going crazy right now, trying to finish it before the book comes out. plus, schools starting on the 24th, which sucks even more. i wasn't sure i was going to be at home tomorrow so i decided to put this up, just in case.

so, what do you think? i know its kind of a slow start, but i have a few things cooking... :)

i wanted to thank BelindaFlorence for teaching me how to put my periods :) lol i've always been confused about that, so thanks!

and yes sawyer fans, you'll be seeing A LOT of him in the coming chapters, now that Reed is rooming with him.

...and sorry for the short chapter. more will be updated.


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I do not own Private or anything affiliated with it.**

* * *

The Hills: St. Barth's Style

After I left the hospital, I went straight to Noelle's home. Mr. and Mrs. Lange welcomed me back, and mentioned that it was hard for them to listen to Noelle complain about me being in the hospital. I laughed; I could only imagine how she was acting. I went upstairs and made a beeline straight to Noelle's room, Josh by my side. When I opened the door, I saw Kiran, Taylor, and Noelle, helping her pack her clothes.

"Reed!" exclaimed everyone. They all gave me hugs and said "Welcome back." I sat down on the bed next to Josh. I was suddenly aware of the girls staring at Josh and I, thinking _what the hell just happened here?_ All was quiet for a few moments, until Josh took the cue and said "I'll be downstairs Reed," all the while giving me a full kiss on the lips. Right when Josh shut the door, Noelle said:

"What the hell is wrong with you, Reed? That boy didn't even bother to call you! And you dumped Upton for him?!" Noelle burst out.

"WTF?! You dumped _Upton?_ OMG!" exclaimed Kiran.

I was dismayed. They were mad at me going back with Josh? Upton was the one who left me and ran after Poppy! However, Josh came from the States just to make sure I was fine. Even though he has a girlfriend (_Don't think about that Reed)_ he still said that he loved me. I was about to say something when Taylor broke in.

"Guys, Reed has every reason to hook up with Josh. Upton is such a player and he left her, remember?" Thank God Taylor was on my side. She looked at me and smiled. "I happen to think it was extremely nice of Josh to come all the way from Easton just to see Reed. Even if he has a girlfriend." My heart stopped. Why oh why did she have to mention that?

Noelle glared at me. "You're hooking up with Josh even though Ivy is still with him?" she said venomously. She kind of scared me but…she was right. Technically, he was cheating. I didn't even know if he was still in contact with Ivy.

But I wasn't going to have that. "Look, we both love each other, ok? It seems weird, but after everything that happened…" I paused. "It wasn't real. The dating other people and stuff." I was referring to the fact that Sabine had drugged me so I would have sex with Dash, just to ruin my relationships with Josh and Noelle. Noelle's face hardened a bit, but it went back to the cool, composed way.

Kiran and Taylor gave each other looks, and resumed helping Noelle pack. There was a moment of awkward silence. "So Kiran…what's next for you?" I asked. I was secretly hoping that she would start jabbering.

She faced me and her face lit up. "I will be heading to London because…" She looked around.

"Because?" I pressed. Taylor and Noelle were listening too.

Kiran pursed her lips as if she was holding something back. "I'm going to be the face of Burberry!" she screamed. Kiran was going to be the face of Burberry? This girl was seriously getting somewhere; I was kind of glad I was friends with her. It would be cool to tell people you're friends with a super-model.

All three of us went to hug Kiran and congratulate her. Taylor then said, "I think we need some champagne for this special occasion!" They all sat down, except me. "I'll get it" I said. I wanted to talk to Josh. I quickly realized I didn't know where they put the champagne at. "Taylor, can you come with me?" She agreed, but got up a little reluctantly. As we headed down the hall, Taylor said "Isn't that so cool? She'll get even more free clothes now that she's the face of something. I mean I wonder what she…"

I wasn't really listening to Taylor because when we passed up my room, I saw a moving shadow. A big, dark shadow. _Oh no, someone is in there…_

"Reed? Hello Reed?" asked Taylor. I turned around. She was already by the stairs. I realized I was shaking a bit. "You go ahead, Taylor. I have to get something from my room." She looked at me uncertainly and went down the stairs. I faced my door. _It's ok Reed. It's probably Josh, waiting to surprise you._

Yeah right.

My hand was already sweating and shaking from fear. Slowly I opened the door. As I opened it all the way, I was relieved it wasn't my stalker (I knew I had one), but it was quickly replaced by dread.

Upton was in my room. He was in my room, pacing back and forth.

_Oh shit_. I froze. Suddenly, I remembered Josh was downstairs, waiting for me. Everything was a lot more complicated now. A lot

* * *

haha sorry i had to do a cliffhanger! i thought i wasnt going to be here today, but i am so i posted this one up. i know the last chapter kind of sucked but... what do you think of this one? reviews will be greatly appreciated.

i know i hate upton too, but it is private after all, and there has to be _some_ drama :)


	8. Chapter 8

Honest

I stood frozen by my door. He looked up and came towards me. It seemed like he was going to kiss me, so I moved to the left and went to farthest wall. He looked hurt by my rejection. Upton went back to the middle of the room and resumed his pacing. He was wearing an Oxford T-shirt and some destroyed jeans; probably his most unfashionable outfit yet. It looked like he was stayed up all night not caring about anything. All I could think was _what the fuck is he doing here?_

He stopped and faced me. "I'm only going to say this once, Reed. I love you. I don't think I'm falling for you. I know for a fact I love you. I want you and I need you."

I was shocked; appalled really. I had no idea what to do. He just dropped this bomb on me and expected me to go along with it! I just stood there, like an idiot. I shook my head. But why was I surprised at this? He had already told me that he was falling for me. So why didn't I see this happening?

"Upton…I…we can't. I…" God this was harder than I expected. I took a deep breath. "I know it takes a lot of guts to…to tell someone that you love them. But Upton," I pleaded, "I'm in love with someone else. And he's right downstairs." I hissed the last part. It seemed like he didn't hear a single word I said, because he kept looking at me. He stayed silent.

He then deliberated for a minute. "So when we would go places together, hang out, and kiss, you didn't feel anything? Just a week ago, you were willing to be with me. Can you honestly tell me you didn't feel anything?"

Now it was my turn to stay silent. He was right to ask those questions, because up until five days ago, I thought my knight in shining Armani wasn't going to save me. I hated the fact that there was some truth to those questions. When I first met Upton, I didn't think it was going to be anything serious. But then the thoughtful present he gave me, and the way he would look at me… Of course, it didn't help that he was insanely gorgeous.

But I loved Josh. Sure, some things have changed, but Upton was nowhere near Josh. Josh knew how to treat me; he knew what made me laugh and what made me tick. Upton…only knew where to kiss me.

I looked at him, straight in the eye. "I can honestly tell you that I had fun with you. Jesus Upton, why can't you understand? I love someone else. I wasn't falling for you."

_You know you're lying Reed._

Yes, I knew that. When I came here, my main goal was to be new Reed and not be stuck in the past. It worked even better when Upton came along my way. It was exciting, being with the hottest guy on the planet, and getting to be the center of attention. When I was with Upton, I thought I never was going to get Josh. So I poured my heart out and made myself a fool. But now Josh was here; I was foolish to think that I would ever move on.

Upton kept staring at me. I started to sweat from nervousness and denial. I pursed my lips. "Upton…I don't know what to say. I went through hell this past semester, and when I came here, I just wanted to have fun. You were fun." I glanced up at Upton. There was pure anger in his face and disbelief.

He shook his head. "You used me! I cannot believe you used me for fun, Reed. Is that what all you girls think of me? Some sex toy? Gosh Reed, don't you even think I'm human? I want to have an actual relationship. I've been surrounded by stupid sex-driven girls so that's what I've been having for my whole life! But when you came along, I felt that you actually cared. I thought that you didn't care about my looks, or what a great accessory I was to have." He looked down. "I was wrong" he said quietly.

I was quiet. I honestly didn't know what to say. I felt horrible for using him. I can admit that I wanted to forget about Josh, so that was the reason why I ended up with Upton in the first place. Jesus, he was making this hard.

"Upton…" I started off, "look, I'm sorry but you're right, ok? I did start to feel something…" Crap. I knew this was going the wrong way. "But I don't know how many more times I'm going to have to say this Upton- I'm in love with someone else." Again it seemed like he didn't hear a single word I said. His face brightened up.

"Did you just say that you felt something for me?" he asked urgently.

_Uh oh._ "No, no Upton don't… I didn't mean it to come out that way! I-"

I couldn't finish the rest of my sentence because Upton practically sprinted towards me and started to kiss me. It was forceful and rough; I didn't like it one bit. Both of his hands were on the side of my waist, slowly working their way up. I started to squirm, but it was impossible to move when 200 pounds of muscle when it's forcing itself on you. He began to explore the length of my neck; I was starting to get dizzy. I tried to say something but I couldn't. _Crap, Josh is downstairs!_ I had to do something ASAP.

But…gosh why did he have to be so hot? He was something you couldn't possibly pass up. _Stop thinking like that Reed._ He slowed down a bit, but he never stopped kissing me. His hands were all over my body on my hips, waist, arms, and face; pretty much everywhere. I had to stop him now! I started to get hot and sweaty. "Upton!" I gasped. "St…stop." He wasn't having it. I tried to shove him off; he ignored that resumed going crazy.

Abruptly, the door was thrust open. Upton stopped and we both looked by the door. It was Josh, looking angry as Hades himself. We were both frozen. I didn't know what to think besides _oh crap, crap, crap_.

Pure hatred was plastered on his face. He faced Upton. "What the hell do _you_ think you're doing with _my_ girlfriend!?"

* * *

thanks for the reviews again guys! i know its going kind of slow but i'm trying really hard to get this done before suspicion comes out or at least finish it a few days after. i've gotten major keyboard arthritis so the updates might come a little slower :(

anyway, what do you think? uptons leaving for good soon so dont worry!

sorry for the short chapter

and to PrivateSeriesLVR: you're answer is coming real soon about Josh and Ivy


	9. Chapter 9

Wait

Josh looked furious. Just flat out pissed. I was kind of hoping that he had taken his pills, because truthfully, I was scared. I hoped that this didn't remind him of what happened at Legacy; a heavy dread began to develop in my chest. I quickly freed myself from Upton's grasp and went towards Josh. "Josh I…I…he just came to me!" I started.

He barely looked at me. "I know it's not your fault, Reed. I already saw that bastard all over you." Josh went towards Upton. "Who the fuck do you think you are, forcing yourself all over Reed? Over _my_ girlfriend? Huh?" His hands started to form fists. Oh God, I hoped this wasn't going to turn into a fist fight. Upton ignored him and instead turned to me. I slowly cowered behind Josh, trying to ignore the penetrating glare from Upton.

He looked like he was trying to control his anger. He shook his head in disbelief. Upton took a deep breath and said "Is this the lucky man you were talking about?" He looked immensely hurt and confused.

I swallowed. "Yes. Now can you please leave?" I pleaded.

He glanced down, as if he was embarrassed. When he looked up, he smiled sadly. "Now I fully understand." He swallowed. "I'm sorry- to both of you." He shoved his hands and his pocket, and headed towards the door. Josh and I moved out of his way, and I felt Josh shaking from anger. Before Upton left, he turned to Josh and said:

"You are an extremely lucky person to be with Reed. Treat her well" said Upton. Josh's glare softened a bit but it went back to being stoic and indifferent. "I know" replied Josh. Upton then left and shut the door with his head hung low.

All was quiet for a few minutes. Frankly, I was scared. I hoped he wasn't going to hate me and say things like he did in Legacy. My breathing notched up a bit just from remembering the fateful night that happened.

Josh sighed and sat down on my bed. "Who was that?"

I swallowed. I didn't want to explain to Josh that I was having a fling while he was in the States, and how close I was to…doing something.

"He…well, his name is Upton Giles." I stated. _Please_ _don't ask more_, I secretly prayed.

"Ok, so how do you know him?" he was staring at me carefully.

Oh God this was going to be very hard to explain. I had to be strong. I took a deep breath. "Um…Noelle introduced me to him, and we… you know…kind of hung out?" Ah! So much for telling myself to be strong!

I could tell it wasn't working because Josh instantly straightened up a bit. His shoulders squared and his faced toughened. "What do you mean, 'kind of hung out'?"

Shoot. What was I going to tell him? That while he was with Ivy, I was having fun with an extremely hot British guy? I was always a bad liar, so lying wasn't going to work for me. I started to sweat again from being nervous. I hoped he wasn't going to get mad at me.

"Ok, ok! When I came here, I _was_ single, so I hooked up with Upton and things went sort of fast. But Josh, I never, ever forgot about you! Every day I would check my voicemail or my inbox to see if you even contacted me! And when you didn't…" I paused and I threw my hands in the air. "I didn't know what to think." Unwillingly, I looked up at Josh. He looked pissed off.

"So…you hooked up with Upton, while I was in the States? While I was with Ivy, even though I didn't want to because every minute I was thinking about you, you decided to have a fling?" burst out Josh.

I was shocked. He was such a hypocrite! How dare he! How dare he accuse me of hooking up with someone when technically, I was single at the time! He was the one who tore my heart in the first place when I saw him with Ivy the next day when we had broken up!

I shook my head. "Josh, do you have any idea- no wait a clue- as to how hypocritical you sound?! After you dumped me at Legacy, you went back to Easton and started holding hands with Ivy way before I went out with anyone!" I was getting very frustrated at this point. "Speaking about Ivy, have you even told her about us?"

His words came out in a rush. "No I haven't, because I thought it was kind of rude to dump her on the phone. Besides, that's not the point. Why are you calling me a hypocrite? And why are you bringing Ivy up for no reason?"

I glowered at him. "You haven't told Ivy that we're together?" Truthfully, I was hurt. Did he not care about me? After all, it is kind of hard to continue a relationship when there is someone else out there.

"Like I said, I didn't want to just dump her on the phone. Ok so… why don't you explain to me why you're calling me a hypocrite?" said Josh.

_He's not answering the question._

Of course he wasn't. He ignored the question twice already. What if…what if Josh had fallen for Ivy? It was only normal, right? I mean, he thought that we were never going to be together again. So he started to fall for another girl. _Oh no, oh no…_

I stared at him. "Josh" I started quietly, "have you fallen for Ivy?" I asked unwillingly.

Josh froze. His green/blue eyes just kept looking at me. My heart started to beat frantically; his silence pretty much told me yes. It took a few moments for Josh to collect this thoughts. "I love you, Reed. Remember that… Look she was there for me, and…she's not a horrible person, ok?"

Tears started to form around my eyes. I couldn't believe this was happening. While I was living in pure hell, Josh had somehow found bliss without me. I absolutely could not sink this in; I would just ignore his silence and go back to being happy. It wasn't that hard, right?

But I couldn't. This new revelation punched a new whole in my chest. I thought Ivy was just a filler for Josh. I thought that when Josh read my note, he would go back to loving me unconditionally. I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

At that, my tears fell down, and I pretty much collapsed. My breathing somewhat stopped and I felt the room spinning. "Reed!" exclaimed Josh. He came over, and started to hug me. "Reed! Jesus, are you ok?" There was plain anxiety and worry written all over his face.

I looked up through the thickness of my tears. "Do you really think I'm ok? Do you think I was really ok when I saw you and Cheyenne on top of each other? Do you think I was ok when you made me choose between you or Billings?" I freed myself from Josh's clutches and stood up. A fresh new batch of tears started coming. "Do you think I was ok when you called me a slut and didn't even bother to listen to me? I listened to you even though I had no idea you were drugged!" I inhaled and wiped my tears away. Josh slowly stood up. I shook my head. "This…is too much." We were standing about three to four feet apart, but it felt like miles to me.

Josh was quiet for a moment. "Things… have changed. We…obviously have some things to take care of." He hesitated. "Maybe we should wait. Or at least until you get back to Easton."

My heart stopped. He wanted me to wait? "You want me to wait until I get to _Easton!_" I shrieked. "I waited a month and a half for you to even look at me! And then I waited two weeks for you to call me! Now you want me to wait another month so you can get your thoughts straight?!" I was going hysterical right now. Josh looked alarmed by my sudden outburst.

"Reed, I'm not saying I don't love about you, it's just during the time we were apart…" he sighed. "I- not you Reed- I need to take care of stuff. I care about both of you. But doing it like this, it's wrong. I hope you understand" explained Josh.

The fuck I didn't understand. Suddenly, I was so angry. I didn't like the fact that Josh was going back to Easton without me. I hated the fact that Josh cared about Ivy. I hated every part of it. I wanted all this stupid drama to end.

I looked at Josh in the eye. "I'm tired of waiting." My voice started to tremble. "I…I'll see you when I get back to Easton." My voice cracked and I began to cry. Why the hell was I declaring a clean break when I was obviously still in love with him? Was it because I knew he had feelings for Ivy? Or was it because when we weren't together, it showed how ugly we could be to each other and that Josh and I were capable of doing things like that? Was it ok for me to forgive what Josh said to me at Legacy? Those horrible words that negated everything?

Josh looked at me uncertainly. There was confusion and sadness on his face. He came by me, hesitantly at first, and kissed me on the forehead. His lips lingered a bit longer than it should have. I was still crying my ass off; there wasn't an end to those tears. Josh let go of me and he slowly went to the door. As I realized that he was going, probably for good, I wanted to yell for him to come back. But I didn't. My mouth was frozen.

Reluctantly, Josh opened the door; instead of it being an empty hallway, Kiran, Noelle, and Taylor tumbled into the room. Even better, people listening by the door. All three of them looked guiltily; even Noelle didn't have anything to say. Josh ignored them and turned around to give me one last look. Through the thickness of my tears, I saw some brimming on his eyes. He looked so…empty. Almost instantly, before I could say anything, he turned his head and went through the door.

He was gone. He really was gone. It seemed like Hurricane Reed just strengthened its force, without any help whatsoever. God, I'm a mess.

I crashed. Literally, I crashed. I sunk to the floor, and my down pours just kept pouring. I pretty much had waterfalls coming out of my eyes. Immediately, I felt three pair of arms covering me, trying to make me feel better. Taylor, Kiran, and Noelle were hugging me so tight that by doing that, they could try to take all the sadness and pain away.

I continued to cry, and my best friends continued to be with me.

Never in my entire life did I feel so empty, yet also very full than I did at that moment.

* * *

sob sob :( i have to admit, it was a hard chapter to write. i thought it was necessary; i mean do you honestly think josh was just using ivy or vice versa just so he could forget about reed? probably in the beginning, but not later. and the part where reed questions her decision to break up with josh, shes saying you know, if reed wasnt drugged would he have still acted like that? you know, ignore her, call her a whore and whatnot. they obviously needed to sort things out.

thanks again for the reviews everyone

and to all josh/reed fans: please dont be mad at me! i hope you understand


	10. Chapter 10

Bored

"You'll be ok, right?" asked Noelle. We were waiting for Noelle's private jet to get ready. I was sad that everyone was leaving; it had been a fun vacation, despite the fact that I had gained another stalker. Kiran, Taylor, Dash, Gage, Tiffany, and Amberly were also going on Noelle's plane. "You won't cry your ass of every night and let Sawyer hear that, will you?" She playfully punched me on the arm.

I hugged her. "Why yes of course, Noelle. And same to you; who knows maybe you'll start to miss making fun of your little Glass-Licker." I ruffled her perfectly curled hair, and she slapped my hand away.

After the tearful break down with Josh, I continued to act like I normally did, but with no avail. The girls threw a Fat Phoebe party for me, but that only resulted in me getting a major hangover. All of my belongings were sent to Sawyer's home, where I would be staying for a month maximum. I was nervous; I wasn't sure what to expect with Sawyer. We barley saw each other. I was helping everyone pack their clothes and Sawyer was probably busy with his family. I sighed. This was going to be a very boring few weeks.

I turned around as saw a man in his early thirties, wearing a suit. He had black hair and very bright green eyes. By the looks of it, he was Noelle's butler. A very good looking butler.

"Ms. Noelle? You're flight is ready. We have already put your belongings inside," said the butler. Noelle got up and smiled. "Thank you, David." He nodded and left. I got up too; everyone was also getting up and collecting their duffle bags or gigantic Dior purses. Noelle turned to me. She put both of her hands on my shoulders.

"So…if you ever need anything, just give me a call. I'll probably call you, knowing that Sawyer is so boring." She hugged me. I was feeling a little melancholy. Taylor, Kiran and Tiffany came by and also gave me hugs and mentioned if I needed anything, I could just call them. I was touched.

"Oh wait Reed!" said Kiran. She went back to the seat were she was sitting, and handed me a bag from Armani. I was speechless. "You…you got me something from Armani?" I stammered. She laughed. "It's nothing big. Open it!"

As I tried to undo the ribbon on it, I saw a red swimsuit. It kind of looked like the one from the Notebook; it was revealing yet chick. I was secretly hoping it was going to be a nice dress, but since I was spending the time at the beach, it was pretty thoughtful.

"Thanks guys!" I exclaimed. Noelle laughed. "We thought that by wearing this, you could tempt some guys in it. I'm sure Sawyer would want to have a crack at that," she said pointing at me and the swimsuit.

"Guys…" I groaned.

"Hey, don't worry Reed! I'm sure you'll be fine" said Tiffany. I smiled sadly.

"Oh speaking about guys, if you want me too, I could do a little something to Hollis. You know…" started Noelle.

I knew she was joking, but right when she said "Hollis" a lump began to form in my throat. I shook my head. "Noelle, just leave him alone" I said quietly. All was hushed for a moment. "I think we should get going guys" said Taylor. The girls and all the boys gave me one last good-bye before they left through the gates.

Suddenly, I felt really alone. There was so much hustle and bustle that now, the silence felt weird. I stood there for a few moments, letting it sink in.

"Hey." I jumped and turned around. It was Sawyer. "Oh God, you scared me!" I said. He looked sort of guilty and said "Sorry. I didn't mean to…"

I waved him off. "It's fine." He was wearing denim jeans and a T-Shirt that said Joy Division on it. He looked kind of cute really; it suited him, the whole laid back look.

"Um…do you want to go?" he asked.

I smiled. "Yeah, yeah. Just wait a minute." I went back to where my present was at and picked it up. Now that I thought about it, it was a thoughtful gift. Sort of.

When I came over, his eyes went to the Armani bag I was holding. I shrugged. "A feel good gift" I mentioned. He nodded. "Ready?" I shook my head yes, and we headed out.

The parking lot was small; the air strip was for private use only so it didn't take long to find his car. I saw a sleek, black Mercedes and I thought it was his so I started walking to it. As I was walking towards it, I felt someone tug my arm. I turned around quickly and saw that I was Sawyer, again. He smiled apologetically. He looked at me questionably and said "Wrong car." I laughed and started walking with him.

By the time I got to his car, he was already sitting down. I immediately recognized that it was a classic by its super long front and back. It was all black, giving it a smooth look. I opened the door and sat down on the leather seats. It was comfortable. He turned on the car and started driving away from the air strip.

I took a sneak peek in his back seat, and I wasn't surprised by what I found. Books, books, and more books along with an occasional CD. Typical Sawyer. I turned around back to the front when I recognized the music that he was playing. It was one of my favorites.

"You listen to Empire of the Sun?" I asked. I thought I was the only who listened to them. He looked at me and smiled. "Yeah. I've been a fan of them ever since they came out." He became quiet after that, and we let the music sink in.

We were going kind of fast, but it felt good. The ocean was warm and I could smell some of the food being cooked by the locals. I saw a couple of boys look enviously in our way, wondering where Sawyer got this car from.

"Sawyer? What kind of car is this?" I truly was curious. Scott was always immersed in cars, but I never really understood the fascination with it. He was quiet for a few moments, until he said "It's a '67 Chevy Impala." I nodded; it really was a nice car.

We were getting close to where some of the houses were at. They were a little small compared to Noelle's home, but they quickly started to get bigger. We kept driving; slowly, the houses started to fade away and we were approaching a forest. I was beginning to feel a little uneasy. Why were we going towards the forest? Was he going to do something to me?

Impossible. Sawyer would never do anything like that. As I was thinking those very bad thoughts, he made a sharp left turn and started going on a trail. He slowed down a bit. I saw tire marks on the trail, so somebody had to have been here (which made me feel a little better). As we continued on that path, I began to look at the forest. It truly was beautiful. It was all green and luscious, and not fake like Mrs. Ryan's garden, all perfect and clean. The forest began to clear when I saw a house.

Boy, was it a house. It was perfectly geometrical, and it had different colored wood panels on it. It also had huge glass windows, showcasing what was inside. There was moss covering the surrounding rocks; it sort of had a Japanese garden look. There was also a long rectangular patio that started from the steps we were facing and went halfway around the house. And it was freaking huge. It was even bigger than Noelle's. I was speechless. It was the most beautiful house I had ever seen.

I slowly got out of the car. Sawyer must have seen my mouth hanging open because he asked "Do you like it?" All I could do was shake my head yes. He smiled and led the way in. As I was admiring Sawyer's home, I saw glimmer of a shadow in the trees. My heart stopped and I froze. _Oh no, oh no, they're still here…_

I stood in my tracks; I barely got near the front patio. Sawyer also stopped and said "Reed? Are you alright?" When I didn't answer he came by me and asked if I was alright again. I turned to him, all scared and panic clear in my voice. "I…I saw someone in the trees" I whispered.

"Where?" he asked urgently.

"On the right in between those two big ones" I directed him.

He deliberated for a moment and started to move towards the spot where I saw the shadow. Suddenly, he turned around and said "I think you should come with me." I was horrified. I would get killed if I went with him! I tried to say something but nothing came out. As if he was reading my mind he explained:

"If someone is really here and I leave you alone, they might come and get you. So I think it's best if you stay with me." I exhaled and closed my eyes for a second. He was right; good thing he was super smart. We started walking to the area where I saw the shadow. I was shaking from sheer fear. What if something happened? How would I fight them off?

We went about six to seven feet inside the forest. Sawyer began to look around, and I stood still, about one hundred percent close to peeing in my pants. He swept the area a couple more times when he said "There's nothing here." I looked up, relieved but disappointed. I wanted to get the person so bad.

As the moments passed on, I began to feel stupid. What if it was a bear or some retarded animal? I sighed. "Sawyer, I'm so sorry. I really thought someone was there and I…didn't know what to think."

He looked at me pityingly and said "No, it's fine really. I mean, it's only natural for you to feel that way after what happened…" he trailed off. I bit my lip; it seemed like everyone knew what happened.

"So you know" I said flatly.

Sawyer looked down, a little embarrassed. "Word gets around fast." He shuffled his feet and said, "I think we should get inside. I'm sure you're hungry. And tired. " I nodded and we headed towards the house. It was even more surprising in the inside. It was big and open and had a very modern look. It had the same wood panels in the inside. There were stairs on the far right that went up to the second level. As I walked on, I came across the biggest living room I had ever seen. There was a huge flat screen on the far right and some really big ass sofas accompanied with it.

I turned around and faced Sawyer. "It's beautiful" was all I could say. I continued to look around when suddenly I heard a loud squeal. "_Señor_ Sawyer! You are back!" I turned to my left and saw a forty something year old Mexican lady. She practically ran to Sawyer and gave him a big hug. He staggered a bit and murmured "I was here an hour ago, Maria." She playfully slapped him on the arm and said:

"No it's not that silly. I made your favorite roast! You were complaining about it, so I think 'Why I don't make something for him?' You hungry?" Sawyer smiled. He gestured his hand towards me and said:

"Maria, this is Reed Brennen. She will be staying with us for a while. Reed, this is Maria. She's our care taker. She pretty much does everything." I smiled and said "Pleased to meet you." I took out my hand to shake hers but she pulled me into a very big hug. "Tu eres muy bonita! Mr. Graham and Sawyer not lying about you being pretty!" Sawyer and I blushed; frankly I was kind of flattered that they both talked about me in a good way.

"Are you hungry? We all can eat together. You need to eat more, skinny not good…" jabbered Maria. Sawyer shook his head and said "Maria, why don't you show Reed her new room?" Maria turned around. She looked at Sawyer questionably and said "Why don't you show her? Roast will get burnt you know."

Sawyer's face saddened a bit. He looked at Maria, practically begging for her to show me my room. _It was probably his sister's room before she died and he doesn't want to go there._ Instantly, my heart went out to him. I knew exactly how he felt.

"No I'm sure Sawyer is hungry. I'll just go by myself." I started heading towards the stairs when Maria said "No, no! I'll go with you." We both went up the stairs; I vaguely saw Sawyer look up in the ceiling and inhale, as if he was trying to hold back something.

Maria led me to the room at the end of the hallway. "Here's your room, Ms. Reed. If you need anything, give me a 'Holla!' as Mr. Graham says." She chuckled quietly and shut the door. I looked around the room; it was really elegant and sophisticated. Not to mention big. It was the whole Breakfast at Tiffany's theme, with black, hot pink, and white surrounding the room. There were a couple of paintings of Audrey Hepburn. Facing me was the window. I went to it and saw the beautiful ocean view, barely visible above the trees. It was lovely. Next to the window was a vintage vanity; all my stuff was next to it.

I sat down on the bed. I took a deep breath. I started to think about today and what I saw outside. Was my stalker, or Poppy may I say, still wanting revenge? I had broken up with Upton, so why? I shuddered and decided not to think about that.

I then started to think about Sawyer. Today was the most I'd seen him smile, laugh and not to mention talk. I remembered the look he gave Maria, and how sad he seemed. I wonder how he was dealing with it. _Not good_, I thought. Poor Sawyer. Everyone thought he was too reserved and was kind of mean, but in reality, he was in pain. I sighed. At least we both had something in common, losing a loved one. It wasn't easy, coping all by yourself. But I had a feeling that if Sawyer and I talked about it, we could get past it. We really could.

* * *

thanks again for the reviews guys! i think some of you have gotten the hint already as to what i'm doing...

well, what do you think? reed still has a stalker (duh!) and she now has a really nice home to live in.

in case you havent noticed, i got maria from dorota's gossip girl. i thought that the story needed someone like her; i couldnt really make her an actual dorota, so that's why shes not european and scared stiff. but maria's english, i can safely say, is very much like dorota's. :)

school started today, and i'm dead tired. i'm sorry to say, updates might come a little slower. plus, the real suspicion comes out in like 10 days, so i'm not sure if i should continue writing. but if you do, just tell me!


	11. Chapter 11

Responsibility

I had already spent three days at Sawyer's home, and I was already feeling really bored. I probably gained ten pounds from the amount of food that Maria was cooking, which included a range of fatty Mexican foods too her own version of American foods. On the first day, I got immensely sick because of the amount of spices she put in it. Sawyer and Maria stayed in the bathroom with me for a couple of hours, helping me get up and putting cold towel on my forehead. I was extremely mortified.

On the second day, I had somehow received my homework through e-mail. I thought that since I wasn't in school, I wouldn't have to do anything but I was so wrong. Not only that, I had a special e-mail from Sawyer's dad- no, let me correct that- _Headmaster_ Hathaway telling me that he had arranged my homework through e-mail and that I would be getting them daily. He also gave his well- wishes and told me to watch out for Maria's crazy cooking. I wish I had gotten that sooner.

All the alone time wasn't very healthy for me because my thoughts would always go back to Josh. Had he broken up with Ivy yet? Or was he still trying to figure things out? The last question made me a little mad; I mean, how hard could it be to choose? But then, we did break up, didn't we? So he had every right to move on…A lump began to form in my throat, so I pushed those thoughts away.

So, I was stuck in this very gorgeous house, in a very gorgeous room, doing my homework and feeling so fucking bored. Sawyer barely came to talk to me, probably because I was always cooped up in my room. Finally on my third day, I decided to go to Sawyer's room, invitation be damned. I was so bored and I really needed help on my Calc homework; being the genius he was, I knew he would be able to help me.

I walked across the hallway and lightly knocked on Sawyer's door. I was actually nervous; what if he didn't want me there? I was about to knock again when the door was open. Sawyer seemed a little surprised at me being there. "Hey, Reed." I smiled. He looked at me for a couple of seconds and said "Come in." I was getting the feeling that he didn't want me there.

I stood by the door. "I have some Calc homework, and I needed some help. If it's ok with you…" I left the option completely to him.

"No, no it's not a problem." He gestured for me to come inside.

His room was even bigger than mine. It was all white, with rows and rows of book cases and record holders. His bed was on the far left and there was a black leather couch. His window covered the whole wall; you could see the whole forest from there and the pool. "It's nice" I commented. He gave me a "Hmm" and went to the couch. There was a book laying there; I felt kind of bad that I interrupted his reading time. Which was pretty much all the time.

As I looked at the book shelves, I saw tons and ton of records and CDs. The CDs ranged from The Smiths to White Lies (all the bands I had never heard of). It kind of reminded me of Noelle's room and how she had tons of records in her room. "You could have a record shop here" I commented. He looked at me and gave me a forced smile. _Must be a bad day for him_, I thought.

"Uh…we can do your homework here" he said gesturing towards the couch. I nodded; as I got closer, I saw a bunch of pictures. Not home pictures, but real photography ones. They were beautiful. Some of them were ones from the island and other places. Others were of people and I saw some of New York City. As he was moving them away, I saw one that really caught my eye. It was an oasis, with a small water fall and a small lake around it. It was all green, and there where huge rocks surrounding the lake. Some of the trees made beautiful canopies. But it wasn't that- maybe it was the way the light hit the oasis or maybe Sawyer's favorite photographer was pretty damn good, because it was just gorgeous.

As I sat down I pointed at the picture. "It's…amazing. Did you take all of these?" I asked. Sawyer sat down too. "Yeah, I do that in my spare time. I used to put my photos in a gallery in NYC, but I haven't done that in a while." Wow. He had his own gallery.

We started doing my homework; actually, it was Sawyer doing most of it. It was quiet most of the time, except that fact that he would ask me questions and vice versa. Suddenly, Sawyer dropped his pencil and the notebook he was doing my work on.

He swallowed and looked at me. "Reed, I'm sorry for being so boring. It's just I've been around all these people who… would rather talk about the opposite sex than talk about something…better, in my case. So all these years, I've pretty much kept to myself. My sister…" Here, he took a deep breath. "She was the one who really understood me. She was kind of like my protector. She knew how I felt about being with…idiots." He smiled, forcefully. "So again, I'm sorry. If you ever want to do anything, just tell me. I'm somewhat responsible for your well-being here; I'm not that boring after all" he added with another smile, this time not as forced.

I was touched. "Sawyer, you don't have to apologize. I understand how you feel. About your friends and…your sister." I took a small intake of air. He was staring at me carefully. "You don't have to explain yourself. Just…go with the flow." _Go with the flow?_ What the hell did I just say? "I…I mean… take your time was what I meant." I blushed, feeling extremely stupid.

Sawyer looked at me for a couple of seconds and asked "Did you like that picture?" he said pointing to the oasis one. I glanced down at it and smiled. "Yeah, it's beautiful. It... I mean… I'm speechless" I said.

Suddenly, he got up. He deliberated for a minute before he said:

"Come on, get your shoes." He was already heading towards the door.

"Wait…what? What do you mean?" I was still sitting down, and staring at Sawyer questionably.

He smiled. "I am going to show you the place where I took the picture of the oasis."

Ah, so that's where we were going. Almost instantly, I felt hopeful and somewhat excited. A trip with Sawyer. Maybe my stay at the Hathaway's residence wasn't going to be so bad after all.

* * *

ok guys good news...i'm so going to keep on writing :) thanks guys for the reviews! again, really made my day. school has already gotten to me but i think im going at a fairly good pace

sorry guys about everything slowing down in the story. i'm getting some stuff ready but its gonna be a couple or so chapters so bear with me!

what do you guys think? it's gonna take a while to get some more info on sawyer cuz he's a quiet dude, but he's getting there. any ideas you have for me? not just about sawyer, but the whole story. they would be greatly appreciated :)

reviews please! and thanks again for those who have reviewed!


	12. Chapter 12

Awkward

By the time we had left Sawyer's home, it was 10:30 in the morning. We went through the back of the house and started to walk into the forest. It was kind of chilly, but the warmth of the sun and the fact that the trees trapped in heat made it a little better.

We were walking for about 15 minutes when I asked Sawyer:

"When did you find that place? Were you like, exploring the woods or something? Or were you and Graham playing Robin Hood?" I thought it was kind of odd how Sawyer found that beautiful place.

He chuckled while moving some of the branches out of my way. "Hmm, wouldn't that be fun, playing Robin Hood. In the Caribbean, nonetheless." I laughed. We really were getting along. "I would always go by myself to places. And then one day I thought 'Why don't I explore the forest?' I remember it was really hot that day, so I spent the whole day swimming in the lake." Sawyer shook his head and chuckled quietly. "When I came back, my parents were so mad at me. I got grounded for a month; I was 11 at that time, so it was about 6 years ago" he mentioned.

6 years ago? That meant he was 17, my age. He really did look a lot older than he was. We continued to walk for another 10 minutes. My feet were starting to get a little tired. Far away, I heard some water flowing; we were probably close to the oasis. Suddenly, Sawyer turned to me. He looked at me as if he was contemplating something. "Uh…close your eyes?" It sounded like a question to me.

I smiled and asked "Was it was question or a statement?"

He rolled his eyes, smiled and said "Statement. Um…I'll help you get your way around…" trailed off Sawyer.

So I closed my eyes, anticipating what was next. I felt Sawyer's hand gently hold mine and help me walk forward; it was warm and soft. But that's not the main problem- when he touched me, I felt a million tingles in my skin. I started to feel hot and I knew for a fact I was blushing.

Holy shit. Oh God, this was not how I expected it to be. Josh was the only one who could do that to me! He was the one and only one!

But…did it really matter? Why was I still fussing about Josh when we were no longer together? Most importantly, was it wrong? Just thinking about those questions started to make me head hurt.

"Reed." I jumped, but my eyes were still closed. I felt Sawyer's lips against my ear; again, another wave of tingles. Both of his hands were on my shoulders and he was standing very close to me. "Look." I practically heard him smile. And boy did I look.

It was even more beautiful than the actual picture. The lake was crystal clear and it was huge. There was a main waterfall and beside it were two more. They weren't that tall, but they were something to look at. The trees and some of the native leaves made canopies around the lake. It was eternally beautiful and full of life.

I was speechless for about five minutes straight. During that time, Sawyer had already sat down by one of the rocks and was leaning up against it. I could stare at it forever. It certainly was something.

After a while I went and sat down next to Sawyer. My thoughts instantly went back to the sensation I had felt after Sawyer touched me. It was very…weird for me. Why? I have no idea. Was it because I was so used to Josh? Or was I still clinging on to some hope that Josh and I would get back together? And why was I liking the feeling anyway?

Then it hit me. The time that Josh and I were apart, I had grown accustomed to the sheer memory of what _had_ been. I had accepted the fact that everything was over for me. But I didn't think about what _could've_ happened. Even if I wasn't drugged and nothing at Legacy happened, Josh was still growing somewhat distant towards me. He obviously detested of anything associated with Billings. So maybe the fight or the break up was sort of inevitable. We were on the rocks; because of that, I had consoled to Dash. It was supposed to happen. Maybe not the sex, but defiantly the break up. And that made me sad.

Sad that it was actually coming, Sabine or no Sabine. Did that mean things were over? I still had no idea. Maybe Josh was right about getting our thoughts straight. I was still lost. At least I had two to three weeks to think about it.

…But it was going to be hard with Sawyer around.

Grrr, what was up with me? Why was I crushing on Sawyer, when I was still in love with Josh? I barely knew Sawyer, and yet I had already felt a major attraction towards him. I shook my head. My head was getting to be…unlivable.

I felt Sawyer nudge me on the shoulder. I looked up towards him. The light reflected off of his hair, giving it a gorgeous golden look and his eyes were twinkling. _Stop now, Reed_. "You seem deep in thought, and a little…sad." He glanced down when he said that. I sighed. I hated the fact that my face was an open book.

I stayed silent for a few moments. For some reason, I had an urge to tell Sawyer everything. I took a deep breath; the calming sound of the waterfall made me want to spill my guts out. "It's Josh. It's the fact that there's probably no hope. I had it coming; it could've been like this or something else, but it was coming. Even after forgiving each other, it was just weird. I felt so distant from him. The two months that Josh and I were apart…" I looked down at my hands, and starting throwing rocks into the lake. "A lot of things happened. I felt so left out and alone. And it wasn't right. It sucks that I have a lot of time to think about it…" I gave a hard laugh. I quickly realized that I was jabbering. I looked at Sawyer. He was staring at me intently, as if he was trying to understand. "It's a load of crap, and I can't take it." Here, my voice cracked.

I was silently crying. I knew it was very awkward for Sawyer, but I couldn't stop. I had no idea as to why I was crying, but it was probably the ones I had locked up for the past three days. I felt him near me, but he didn't even attempt to soothe me. This was fine, because I would probably have a heart attack just by him touching me.

Suddenly, I felt Sawyer come closer to me and wrap his arm around me. Of course, it didn't help I felt a million electric sparks go through me. He was slowly stroking my arm, and I leaned my head on his chest. Boy, was it a chest. It was perfect for me to cry on. I don't know how long we stayed there, but I continued to sob quietly. Gradually, my sobbing subdued. I looked up, a little ashamed of my crying. He pulled his head back a little and moved some of the hair sticking on my face and pushed it behind my ears. His face was just inches away from mine.

My breathing stopped. He really was handsome. _Reed! Stop being stupid! You were just crying your ass of about Josh, and now you're thinking about how hot Sawyer is?_

I decided to forgot my warning and just do it. I was already broken, so why not rip myself even further? Slowly, I started to lean in. I looked at his eyes and then his lips. I realized that they were curvy and were lovely. I then started to trace his lips with my index finger, going back and forth. I began to trace his jaw, and I brought my finger down to his neck. I started to lean in even more. Could I really do this? My heart started to beat frantically. All this time Sawyer didn't move an inch.

"Reed, you can't do this."

I froze. God dammit Sawyer! You just killed the moment! Why?!

I swallowed. I pulled back a little so I could see Sawyer's full face. There was pity written all over it, but his eyes were soft. But as I thought about it, he was right. I was still preoccupied about Josh, and I knew that by betraying my absent heart, I would really fall into pieces. Reluctantly, I got up. Oh God, I was mortified. Sawyer kept staring at me; not in the pity way but making sure I wasn't going to cry again.

He kept stealing glances at me, but Sawyer would always look down when I found him spying me. I could feel the heat radiating from me from sheer embarrassment.

The walk back was silent and uncomfortable. All I could think was, _what the hell did I get myself into? And what does he think of me now? _

That night, I cried myself to sleep. I cried for Thomas and Cheyenne, and I cried for my stupidness this afternoon. But I was mostly crying because of the epiphany I had this afternoon, which Josh and I had it coming, and there was no hope. I knew it was true. As much as I hated it, it really was.

And the worst part was, I'm sure Josh knew too.

* * *

thanks guys for the reviews! i know the last chapter was kind of boring, so sorry :)

ok so what do you think? i'm not sure if i like this chapter that much; i felt like i rushed in a bit with reed and sawyer? again, tell me what you think

also, what do you think of the epiphany i had for reed? do you think its right? i mean, i remember reading legacy and feeling that josh was being a jack-ass for not supporting reed and being all moody.

reviews please! and thanks again for those who have reviewed!


	13. Chapter 13

Surprise

After the very awkward encounter with Sawyer, I avoided him as much as I could. He was still very polite to me, but it was awkward for me at least. I had been here for a week and a half now. So I pretty much had to do my Calc homework all by myself now, and I didn't understand one bit. Even Maria noticed something was going on. One day she was fixing my sheets when she asked:

"What happened to you and Mr. Sawyer?" I quickly realized she was one of the nosey people that I hated.

I was doing my homework on the desk when I turned around. I swallowed. "Nothing" I said as indifferently as I could. She gave me the yeah right look and resumed fixing my sheets.

I continued to do my homework when Maria suddenly said:

"He has feelings for you, Reed. He may not show it, but he cares. The day he first met you, he back to the _casa_, all excited and said he saw the most, most beautiful girl. I never see him so happy ever since his sister went away." I froze. I never knew that; I wasn't sure if I should be happy or skeptical. Why was she telling me this? I realized a blush was forming in my cheeks because I started to get hot.

"Oh, ok" was all I said. I kept focusing on my paper, hoping my blushing wasn't going to give anything away. I felt Maria stay in my room for another minute before she left.

What Maria said got me thinking. I recalled the first day at St. Barth's and the first time I saw Sawyer, I had mistaken him for Upton. But then I remembered that he ignored us; in fact, he was reading a book. I barely saw him look in our way, let alone my way. Poor Sawyer, he was just too shy. He was a polite guy and he was humble. I smiled, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. What if we did kiss? How would it be like? I started to get a weird feeling in my stomach and decided to focus finishing my paper.

About 45 minutes later, my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller I.D. and it read Noelle. I smiled; it had been a while since she called.

"Well hello Ms. Lange" I greeted her.

"Good afternoon Glass-Licker. I was just calling to inform you that you will be getting a present, courtesy of the Billings girls. Don't say 'Oh, this is too much' or what not. I really am tired of you being nice. Just take the damn present." She took a deep breath.

I laughed. "Sure, sure. I'll make sure not to call you guys." We both started to laugh. "How's Easton?"

"Same old, same old. It kind of sucks now that you're not here." Aw, Noelle missed me. "Say, how's everything at the Hathaway residence? Sawyer more boring than usual?" I stayed silent for a bit.

"Uh…well…we…nothing really. Just doing my homework and eating a lot." Crap. I knew I didn't convince her one bit.

"Yeah…don't even think about lying to me, Reed. What happened? You decided to put moves on him? I mean, it's perfectly fine. You are single." She paused, waiting for me to answer.

I was quiet. Instantly, my thoughts went to Josh. I was beginning to feel guilty for trying to put moves on Sawyer, even though I still had feelings for Josh. Despite the epiphany, I really wanted to talk to him.

"I…God, I don't know. I don't know what's going on with Josh, so I don't know what to do. I really need to talk to him." I took a deep breath. Some tears were brimming in my eyes.

Noelle stayed silent on the other end. "Are you curious?" she asked.

"About what?

"About what Josh is doing at school?" A lump started forming in my throat.

"Ok" I said quietly. Truthfully, I was scared.

"I don't see him with Ivy anymore in that way, except the fact that they hang out. And he's acting pretty normal. Is that all?" offered Noelle.

He was still hanging out with Ivy. Even though Noelle said that they're not hanging out in "that way", it still hurt. Last time I saw him, he said that he had feelings for Ivy. And he obviously didn't want to let go of her entirely.

"Reed? Are you ok?"questioned Noelle. The lump that was forming in my throat got even bigger. I had to talk to Josh now.

"Hey Noelle, I'll call you back" I squeaked. "I gotta go. Bye." I shut the phone before I could change my mind.

Should I talk to Josh? Would he be mad at me? Technically, I was the one who said I would talk to him after I came back to Easton, whereas Josh just wanted a break. Ugh, I made a very big mess. My hand was already shaking by the time I went to "phone book" on my i-Phone.

It rang four times before Josh picked up. "Reed?" He was surprised by me calling.

I was quiet for a few moments. "I…I…had to talk to you." I was starting to sweat from nervousness.

He didn't answer immediately. I heard some guys talking, then a door shutting. It was quiet on the other end. "Ok." I took a deep breath.

"I…have you thought about us? What does it mean for us?" I paused. My voice almost cracked twice.

He was quiet. "Like I said, we need to clear our heads."

He still needed time? "Wait, you mean you still haven't thought about it?" My heart started to pound frantically.

"No, no I…it's hard because you're not here. You said you wanted to wait after you get to Easton, so I've been waiting" said Josh.

I was getting mad at this point. He made so casual, as if it was ok to make me stay up at night and make me wonder if he was ok with me yet. "So while you have been waiting, you've been hanging out with Ivy?" It sounded meaner than I intended too.

I could practically see Josh straighten up and get in defensive mode. "Have you been spying on me?" he accused.

I was taken aback. He sounded so angry. "No, I just have very nice friends who care about me. They knew that I wanted to know how you were doing" I retorted back.

He sighed. "Yeah, I know, I understand. You're friends care about you…" he trailed off. He made it sound like it was the same old same old, having my friends "take care of me." He seemed a little bored by them.

In truth, I called him to tell him what I wanted from him. I had to make sure if he was willing to agree with me.

"Josh?" He was quiet on the other end.

"Yes Reed?" Josh sounded a little tired from this phone call already.

"Before I get back to Easton, I want to tell you some things. I want you to think about them, ok?" Why was I asking for his permission?

I took a deep breath. "Ok this is what I want from you." My voice was shaking. Josh was quiet. "I want you to accept what I want, even though you may not like it. I know you hate Billings. But Billings is all I have. It's all I have to get out of here with a chance at something. But…it bothers me when you flat out say you don't like me being part of Billings. I'm not them. I will never be. I just want you accept what I want. Please" I begged. "I really need you to understand." I took a deep breath.

The whole time Josh didn't say anything. I was worried that he was somewhat mad. I heard him sigh.

"I still care about you. And I want you to know that I've forgiven you." I heard him inhale at this point. "Remember that, ok?"

But Reed? I want you to listen to me too. I want you to think about this while you're in St. Barth's." I swallowed. It took a minute for Josh to collect his thoughts again."I know you can do better than Billings. They bite. It's what they live for. I know for a fact you can do better than them. I know that you need them for…things. But Reed, you are much more talented than they are. You don't need money and connections to get through in life." He stopped.

Why didn't he understand? Why couldn't he just understand? I _needed_ it. Them. I was getting mad. It was sweet of him to tell me that I'm better than money and clothes, but really? Could I really get in the real world without Billings?

I made an impatient sigh. "Josh, I need Billings! I really do. Why can't you understand?" Right when I said that, I knew it was the wrong thing to say.

He also sighed. "Gosh, Reed I don't want to argue right now. Please. We can talk about this after you get back to Easton." Oh my God. He was practically dismissing me! My blood boiled. Angry tears were falling down.

"Fine" I said. "I'll talk to you later."

"Reed, I…" My heat stopped. He was going to say it. Was it ok? "I…I'll see you later then." Instantly, my heart sank.

More tears started to fall down; not from anger but from disappointment.

"Bye." My voice barely cracked before I shut the phone.

I was frustrated. He dismissed me. He obviously didn't want to talk about it. I needed to know. I felt that there wasn't enough time. I felt that if we waited even more, we would get more distant, and it scared me. But I also had another unanswered question. Did he think that we were somewhat together still? Or were we really off?

My tears started to fall even more. I really was getting sick and tired of crying. As I continued to cry, I heard a knock on the door. It was Maria. She seemed excited.

"Ooh look Ms. Reed! A present for you! Are you happy?" When I didn't answer, she asked again if I was happy about the presents.

I turned around. "Jesus Maria, can't you see I'm busy?" I was getting pissed off by now. "Leave!" I practically screamed, more tears falling down. She looked at me like I was possessed and left in a hurry. Now that I thought about it, I felt bad for yelling at Maria. It was probably my hormones that were doing to work. For some reason, I felt like a bratty rich girl telling her maid to get out.

After a few minutes, my crying subdued. I looked at my bed and saw a big box and an envelope on top of it. I got up and tried to undo the fancy wrapping of the present. As I undid the box, I saw that it was a dress from Dior. _Holy shit_, I thought. It was black and it went down to my ankles. There was big slit from my right mid-thigh all the way down, giving it a sexy/flow-ly look. The chest had two "breast plates", just barely covering it. There was a cut in the middle of the two plates, about 1and a half inches wide. The entire dress looked like there were different geometric plates sewed on to it, giving it an asymmetrical look. It was beautiful, not to mention silky.

As I continued to gape at it, I opened the envelope that came with it. It read:

_Dear Reed,_

_We can only imagine how you are feeling, being all bored and having no parties to go to. So as a get-well gift, we're giving you this very pricy dress, because we thought that you deserved it. And we're also giving a very special card to help make you feel even better. A lot better. Have fun! _

_Love,_

_You're sisters (A.K.A. the Billings girls)_

I was stunned. It was so thoughtful of them! I was going to call them, despite Noelle's warning. Suddenly, a silver card fell out of the letter. I picked it up and it was a credit card. I started jumping up and down, all excited about getting to shop. Retail therapy. Noelle was smart; it was just what I needed. I smiled.

I took out the dress from the box. I went to the mirror and put it against my body. It really was beautiful. I decided to try on the dress. I quickly took off my clothes, eager to try it on. I slipped it on with ease until it came to my upper back. Huh. Usually, I barely had any difficulty trying on dresses. Perhaps Maria's cooking was getting to me. After a couple- no ten- tires, I managed to zip the zipper all the way. I quickly realized that it was very tight.

I went to the mirror again, practically hopping my way over, it was that tight. I noticed that I had developed some very nice curves over the past couple of years. As I continued to look at myself, I realized that it was getting hard to breathe. When I would exhale, my chest could barely move and it was getting very tight around the my stomach. I continued to ignore that, and resumed looking at myself. After a couple of minutes, I knew I had to take off the dress, because I was getting light-headed. I tired to undo the zipper, when I found out it wasn't moving a centimeter. I started to panic. I tried several more times to get it off, but with no avail.

I thought about calling Maria. I hoped she wasn't mad at me for yelling at her, or even scared. I went to the door and cracked it open a bit. "Maria! Maria! Can you come upstairs?!" She wasn't answering. After several more times, she still didn't answer. It was getting more hard to breathe. Suddenly, I heard a door open. It was Sawyer's. He came over by my room, not coming in, however.

He ran his hand through his hair. He was wearing a white collared shirt and khaki pants, and his shirt was unbuttoned a bit, revealing his chest. I started to flush, remembering our last encounter. "Um…Maria's not here. She went to get some groceries." I opened to door all the way and gestured for him to come inside. He didn't move, but he was staring at me. His eyes were wide.

I took a small intake of air, since that was the only way I could get oxygen in my body. "Sawyer, I need you to come inside." Another small breath. "I know you don't want to…" I had to take another small breath "but I really can't breathe!" I exclaimed. He hesitated a bit by the door. I felt bad for dragging him inside even though he didn't want to, but I really needed him. I came into my room nonetheless, hoping that he would be nice and help me.

Slowly, he came in. He looked around, as if it was the first time he ever came in. I stood in the middle room. I balanced myself on the chair that was by the vanity. "Sawyer," I croaked "help me!" He snapped out of whatever he was thinking and went over to me.

"Uh…what do you want me to do?" Poor guy seemed so awkward. He was kind of close to me, but not that close to me.

I inhaled. "I need you to take out the zipper. I tried but I can't." I was taking short breaths. I was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic. Hesitantly, he came over to me. My zipper was on the left side of my body. My breathing notched up a bit, knowing that I would get a heart attack just by him touching me. Slowly, he put his hand on the side of my back. The other was on the zipper, trying to yank it down. I was getting a little hot, and every time he would touch me, I felt it burn.

After a couple of minutes, he stepped back and threw his hands in the air. "It won't come out!" he exclaimed. "Son of a bitch won't even bother to move." I was surprised. Sawyer actually cussed. He resumed trying to unzip the zipper.

Sawyer sighed. "It's not working. There should be a seam where I could undo the whole thing. If I keep trying to yank it off, I'll probably rip the dress." I threw my head back.

"Do it. Now please?" I was getting desperate at this point. Sawyer looked at me for a second before he went to the desk at took out a pair of scissors. He came over to me, and looked at me again. His eyes asked if it was ok if he did it. I nodded. He turned the inside of my dress to the outside, so he could see the where the seam was at. I felt some cold air hit me, but it didn't matter because my skin was burning. I was aware of Sawyer touching me on the thigh, lower back, stomach…Oh God I was going crazy right now.

He found the seam and started to undo it. One by one, the seams were undone and every time the slit was more open, I blushed even more. Sawyer didn't even look at me, but he kept focused on my dress. I saw his face go red a few times, and that only made me blush more. After about 4 to 5 minutes, I felt the dress loosen up around my back, chest, and my stomach. Sawyer stopped by my upper thigh. My dress fell down in a _whoosh_ and I was exposed. He stood up and stepped back; thank God I at least wore a bra. He kept looking down and stealing glances at me, but he continued to blush. Sawyer was such a polite guy.

I slowly picked up my dress and covered myself around it. I could barely look at him; I had the urge just to take his face by my hands and kiss him. I swallowed. "Uh…thank you, Sawyer" I whispered. He nodded and left the room in a hurry, all the while shutting the door. I went to my bed a crashed on it. I was still feeling very hot. All the places where he touched me was still burning.

I sighed. Just an hour ago, I was fussing about Josh and wondering if we were still something, while I was crushing over Sawyer now. I was creating my very own headach just by thinking those things.

I was sure of one thing though- I was feeling something for Sawyer. And I liked every part of it.

* * *

ok guys, im not sure if you guys liked the last chapter, considering how many reviews i got...but i decided to put this one up.

so, what do you think? like it? hate it? don't care? what do you guys think of reed thinking that by being apart from josh, they would get more distant. do you guys agree? what about the whole sawyer/reed moment? again, tell me what you think.

reviews please!


	14. Chapter 14

* * *

Blue Jays

It was cold. Funny. I thought the Caribbean was warm. Slowly, I opened my eyes. The window was opened. Weird. I looked at my phone and it read 9:20 a.m. What was I doing up so early? Suddenly, I became aware of a weird smell. It smelled of something…rotting. Was Maria cooking something rotten? Or was it some kind of Mexican food that smelled weird? I got up, and headed towards the window to shut it. However, the cold air wasn't what stopped me in my tracks and made me scream a bloody murder.

There were four little blue jays, dead with blood oozing out of them. Their head was twisted in a sick way and they were lined up perfectly. I continued to scream and I started to cry. It reminded me of the day of Casino Night, when I woke up with my Blue Jay friend dead by my window. _It's probably my stalker_, I thought. _And each of the birds are the number of times I escaped. Except the fourth one. Oh God, it's coming. They're coming for me._ I started to sob even more, knowing how this was probably going to end up. Was today the day? I looked back at the window and saw blonde hair in the trees. _Poppy._

Abruptly, the door was thrust open. In came Sawyer, rushing in to help me wearing nothing except boxers. There was worry written all over his face. He came over to me. "Reed! Are you ok? What's wrong?" He shook me by the shoulders. I was stunned. It had happened again. I tried to get some words out but I couldn't. He looked past me and noticed the birds.

"Holy fuck. How did they get in _here_?" Sawyer went by the birds and examined it. I was still shocked. Suddenly, Maria came in also.

"_Ay carumba_! What happened? Everything all right Ms.-" Maria didn't even bother to wear a robe over her unneeded sexy night gown. She stood in her tracks, her eyes wide open. She made a cross and began to say some prayers. I tried to snap out of it but I couldn't. They were warning me. Or they were just telling me what they were going to do.

"Uh, Maria? Can you get some gloves, cleaners, and a bag? Now please?" asked Sawyer. He was bent over the birds, his hand covering his nose. Maria nodded and left. Sawyer got up and went to me. He put both of his hands on my shoulder and looked me straight in the eye. "It's going to be alright. Really, you don't have to worry. It's just birds." More tears started to fall down. I shook my head.

"Sawyer, you don't understand! The exact same thing happened to me the day of Casino night. The same type of bird was found dead in my room! My stalker is warning me! Or they're just getting ready!" I was going hysterical now. I tired to free myself from his grasp, but he held me tight.

He brought me closer, and hugged me. "Reed, it's fine. You're safe. I'm here now. I don't think they want to bother with all the muscle I have" he added. Wait, did Sawyer just make a joke? My sobbing stopped and I looked at him through my tears. He smiled.

"Did you just make a joke?" I asked. Oh God, that was so random considering how I was going crazy a few minutes ago. He looked at me suggestively.

"Uh…yeah? I can make a few jokes here and there…" trailed off Sawyer. Crap, I just made this awkward again. I was aware of Sawyer not wearing anything except his boxers, and the fact that I was hugging his bare chest. He had like perfect chiseled abs. Despite my recent predicament, I was suddenly preoccupied about Sawyer's bare chest. I started to get hot. I pulled back to get some room to breathe. He went over to the birds. I took this time to get a better look at his body. I already knew he had nice arms, but damn he had one hell of a chest. It was better than Thomas's. Josh's. Even Upton's. And his back! It arched perfectly. I felt like a weird-o checking him out like that. But hey, he's the only eye candy I have for a month.

Maria barged in, bringing what Sawyer asked. The two began to clean up the mess, while I went to the bathroom to clean myself up. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess. My hair was sticking all over and I had some pillow imprints on my cheeks. Ugh. Suddenly, I rememberd that I had a doctors appointment to go at 10:40. Quickly, I jumped into the shower. I meant to hurry, but the warm water wasn't having it. It soothed my body and calmed me down. I hadn't realized I was in there for a long time until I saw my finger tips and my feet all wrinkly.

Reluctantly, I got out of the shower. A huge burst to steam followed me and it felt good. It smelled like bleach. I went to the closet to pick something out for the doctors appointment. I had a lot to choose from. I then remembered that I haven't done anything ever since I started living in Sawyer's home. I really wanted to sight see and look at not-so-rich part of St. Barth's. I took out a summer dress by Nannette Lepore. It was white and it had a Victorian age look, with lace as the border. For some reason, I felt like dressing up, which was very unusual. I took out brown Jimmy Choo boots I got from one of the many shopping expiditions with Noelle, and slipped on a necklace I _actually_ bought from Forever 21. My hair looked normal; I was ready.

I sort of ran downstairs, eager to eat. As I came around the corner, I saw Maria and Sawyer making omelets. Maria was teaching him how to flip it. He tried, but he barely got it in the pan. I felt on the floor. The two started to laugh, while Maria got towels to clean it up. Sawyer seemed so at ease. "Hey" I said. The two turned around. Sawyer went to the stove and brought an omelet to the counter.

He gestured to the food and said "It's for you. Maria made it, so you don't have to worry about it being poisoned." I chuckled and said:

"Thanks." _Two jokes already_. It was beginning to be an obssesion for me to count how many times Sawyer made a joke. As I was stuffing the omelet in my mouth, I said "I have to go to the doctors in 30 minutes. Can you guys drop me off?" Sawyer sat across from me and said:

"Sure. We can do something else if you want to. Go shopping or whatever…" I thought about it. I didn't really want to go shopping but I wanted to sight see.

I finished my omelet. "I kind of wanted to see the local part of St. Barth's. Like the non-rich part of St. Barth's. If it's ok with you." I left the option to him.

He nodded. "Sure, we can do that. Are you done?" he asked. I nodded and stood up. "Let me get my keys." I followed Sawyer to the garage door. He picked up his keys and opened the door.

I could count at least 7 to 8 cars in the garage, all ranging from pricy to super pricy. I recognized a few symbols, like the Mercedes and the Ferrari. Damn. I followed Sawyer to his car and sat down on it. As we started to back out, there was another song playing. This time, I had no idea what it was.

"What are we listening to now?" I asked. It sounded like a really nice song.

"It's 'Tomorrow' by Ladytron." He was quiet after that. I listened hard to the lyrics:

_I don't hate you, or want you_

_Enough to wake you…_

I looked out the window and watched the Carribean go past me.

_There's a crack on the window_

_Return of the key ignition_…

Suddenly, I started to think of Josh. Why did he dismiss me when I called him? Was he lying about thinking until I got to Easton? Or was he buying himself some time?

_So if you freeze tomorrow_

_Come back_

_Lucky…_

Yes, I was very lucky. I was lucky to be the target of three attempted murders, and a major heartache. I was lucky to be having so much pain that people in a life time would never have. I was lucky to have a guy who was so damn confused about his feelings for me.

"Reed." I snapped out of my thoughts. We were already at the hospital. Sawyer was looking at me. "Ready?" he asked. I nodded. I was still a little preoccupied by my thoughts. Sawyer came around and opened the door for me. I smiled and got out of the car. I was quiet though. I knew Josh was buying time. Why though?

* * *

"You seem to be healing fine, but I think we should give you another two weeks" said my doctor. He was probably the only one who wasn't good looking. I frowned. I didn't want to be here at all, since my stalker was here. Sawyer was sitting in the chair across from the doctor bed. He was reading Time magazine.

"Ok" was all I said. I got off of the bed; Sawyer got up also. I went to the doctor. "Thank you." I shook his hand, Sawyer doing the same. The doctor led us back to the waiting room. I slipped my purse over my shoulder and faced Sawyer. "So…I'm not familiar with this place. Any suggestions?" I asked.

He deliberated for a second before he said:

"Yeah, I think I have a place." I smiled.

We went to his car and started driving. We were going kind of far, but I realized we were going towards the ocean. As he turned a corner, I saw rows and rows of boats and shipping docks. People were out having fun, water skiing. I also saw French houses, all standing on the surrounding hills. It was beautiful. This was what I wanted. Real. Nothing fake, or filled with designer things. Instantly, I felt calm. I felt at home.

Sawyer parallel parked not far from the place. We both got out. "What is this place?" I asked as we passed the houses and were heading towards the ocean.

Sawyer walked for a few moments before saying "It's the Gustavia Harbor. You could call it the capital of St. Barth's. They don't receive imports or anything, its just the people here have made it the official boating grounds" he explained. We were heading towards one of the docks. There was a small boat tied to it, but you could tell it was fancy.

I pointed at it. "Is this yours?" eyeing the very beautiful white boat.

"Yeah. I'm the one who usually uses it. I guess it's too small for the rest of the family." We both laughed. Sawyer went towards the boat and got inside. I looked at him questionably.

"Are we heading out?" Frankly, I was kind of scared. My last boat encounter wasn't the very best. Panic was apparent in my voice. Sawyer smiled pityingly.

"It's fine. We're not going out. We'll stay here." I deliberated for a moment, and got in. The railing was kind of high, and I was having trouble going inside. Sawyer came over to me, and helped me. His hand was wrapped around mine; it was warm. I pretty much dumped my body weight on his. He didn't even look like he was having any trouble.

As I sat down, I gave him a "Thanks." He smiled and went inside to boat. I looked at my surroundings. I truly was beautiful. I saw a family with two little boys jet skiing, and a couple romantically kissing on their boat. I started to get butterflies and looked away, for I started to think about Sawyer and I. A couple of minutes later, Sawyer came back with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

He sat down next to me. "I'm not sure if you should drink some, but if you want to…" he trailed off.

I shook my head and said "It's fine. I don't think it should bother me in the first place." Sawyer began to pour the wine into the glasses. He handed mine, and I gave him a thanks. We both sat there in silence for a few minutes, taking it all in. All of a sudden, I began to think of Sawyer's sister. I wondered how he was dealing with it.

"Sawyer?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yeah?" He was staring at me now. Gosh he had gorgeous eyes.

"Uh…I'm not sure if I should ask you…" I trailed off.

He shrugged. He seemed calm. "Ask away" he said while taking another sip.

I bit my lip. Was he going to get mad? "How…how are you dealing with your sister? I mean, it's none of my business, but I sort of know how you feel…" I paused and glanced up. His face was composed.

Sawyer turned away from me and started looking out to the sea. Several of minutes of silence rolled in. I was getting nervous. I felt like an idiot asking him. It certainly wasn't any of my business.

He swallowed. "She killed herself, you know. Jenna. It was so sudden. I remember that day, out of all. The cops found her in an empty motel room. She shot herself. Someone reported an unusual sound, so they came to investigate." My heart stopped beating. A heavy rock started forming in my chest. Sawyer kept looking at the ocean.

"My mother's screams. God, it was excruciating. It pierced me. I still hear her screams at night, in my dreams at least. I felt so…empty when she died. I barely cried. I didn't understand why, but now I realize is that I'm angry at her."

"Why did she do it, you know? A lot of families look at us enviously, because we're one of the rare families that are functional. We eat dinner together. We talk about our day. We even play board games." He looked down at his hands and gave a hard laugh. "I was so close to her. She made me a promise one time. She said that she would always be there for me. She lied. And I hate her for that."

My breathing stopped. I was scared to even move. I saw some tears brimming in his eyes. I had the urge to hug him and take all the sadness away. "She lied. She lied to my Goddamn face. Jenna was everything to me. And she was so selfish that she didn't even pause to think about us. I miss her. I miss her so much. And now she's gone." Here, his voice cracked and he started to cry.

My heart broke just seeing him all torn apart. Silent tears were falling down. I couldn't bear to see him like that. Automatically, I went over to hug him. I wrapped my arms around and hugged him tight. I rested my head behind his and patted his back. I stroked his arm, and wiped the tears away from his all to beautiful face. I continued to be with him. He rested his head on mine, and he continued to sob. They weren't the kind that fell down when you got emotional. It seemed like he held those tears for a good year now. Another round of tears started coming for Sawyer, and I held him even more tight.

I continued to be with him, for God knows how long. As I kept hugging Sawyer, I thought about this one thought where I envisioned how Sawyer and I could get over our sadness. I thought that if we could talk about it, we could get over it and move on. But for now, we were taking it slow. One mission at a time.

* * *

so now you guys know what happened to sawyer's sister. pretty tragic :( what do you guys think of this chapter? i gotta be honest, when i was writing the sawyer part, i felt really sad. i was like really close to crying. lol quick question: im not sure if sawyer's sister name was jenna. was it jenny? its been a while since i've read paradise lost.

thanks for the reviews everyone!

oh and btw, i totally recommend the songs and artist i've mentioned. seriously. haha lol i've pretty much incorporated myself into sawyer.

reviews please!


	15. Chapter 15

Liar

It had officially been 2 weeks and 3 days since I had been here. I was getting preoccupied with the amount of homework I was receiving so it didn't really matter if I was bored or not. The Blue Jay incident, which was only two days ago, was still keeping me on edge. My stalker had officially freaked me out.

The "awkward" moment with Sawyer just made things worse. I felt a lot better, seeing him letting his feelings out, but the guy was just flat out embarrassed. He would barely look at me. Male pride. It can really be annoying after a while.

Sometimes I would go out to the pool (I don't know why they have one) but I would lounge in that area or do my homework. Sawyer's room was just above the pool, and sometimes I would get glimpses of Sawyer up and about in his room.

It was a warm Thursay afternoon when I got a phone call. I looked at it and it read Constance. I was happy that she was calling me. However, I felt a little bad because I barely called her ever since I was gone. I sat up a little straighter. "Hey Constance! How are you?" I was genuinely pleased to hear from her.

I heard other voices in the background. I heard Missy's and Astrid's voice the loudest. "Constance?" I asked.

"Oh hey, Reed! Wha…what's up?" Why was she sounding nervous?

"Nothing, you? I miss Easton so much. It's definitely not the same without you here" I said. Normally, this would have pleased her a lot and she would have been talking non-stop.

But she didn't. _This is odd_, I thought.

"Oh nothing…same here you know, it's really boring without you. So…so, how have you been holding up?" Again, she sounded nervous. I quickly realized she wasn't telling me something. I began to hear Missy's annoying voice in the back ground. I heard her vaguely say "Just tell her Goddammit." Tell me what?

"Constance? What is Missy talking about? And why are you sounding so nervous?" I was starting to get worried. Suddenly, I heard the phone being handed off to someone else.

"Reed." It was Missy. I hated her.

"Oh hey, Missy" I said dryly.

"No need to point out the obvious, Reed. Anyway, we'll be sending you something on your phone. Don't freak. It's for your benefit. When you see it, I'm sure you'll know what to do." She stopped.

What the hell was she talking about? I heard Constance beg Missy not to tell me, but it was too late. My heart started to pound. "What do you mean? Give the phone back to Constance!" I demanded. Missy was the last person I wanted to hear news from.

I heard Missy give an impatient _tisk_. "Whatever. You'll thank me later." With that, she shut the phone. I was stunned. What were they talking about? Why was Constance so nervous? I put my iPhone back on the table beside me, and decided not to think about it. Stupid Billings drama. Why did I need to know when I was supposed to be relaxing in St. Barth's?

I couldn't ignore it. For some reason, I felt a very big tide coming. And I felt like running. I wanted to run before it got me. Agitated, I started to pace back and forth around the swimming pool. Suddenly, I heard my phone buzz again. This time, it noted me that it was a video. Why would they send me a video? My heart started to beat frantically. Hesitantly, I went over to the table, picked up my phone and looked at it.

It was a video. From Easton nonetheless.

I could tell because of some the buildings. It looked like…Mitchell Hall. Mitchell Hall. Why was it so important?

The Art Cemetary, of course.

I was hearing a steady breathing from the person recording the video and some whispers in the back ground. It sounded like the girls from Billings. Why would they be in a hiding place, making a video?

Suddenly, I saw two figures come around the corner. At that, my heart sank to my stomach.

It was Josh and Ivy. Josh and fucking Ivy.

What were they doing together? Why was Josh still hanging out with Ivy? Why was Josh being a major dick? Did he not care about me?!

The two were talking together. I felt some bile coming up to my throat. Josh stopped and leaned against the wall. Ivy apparently told Josh a joke, because the two started to laugh. I felt sick. It was plain disgusting.

Suddenly, both of them stopped laughing and were looking at each other. My heart started to pound like crazy and the bile just kept coming. I knew exactly what was going to happen.

Ivy took Josh's face with both of her hands and kissed him. I could tell she wanted to do that for very long time by the forcefulness of it. All of the nice feelings I started to feel for Ivy vanished. That bitch seriously had some nerve. After a few seconds- no, an eternity for me- Ivy pulled apart. She looked embarrassed. The hell she should! Iwas going to kill her! How dare she try to take advantage over Josh!

But, how dare _he? _

My breathing kicked up and this time, I really felt the bile about to spill over. Josh was kissing her back. He kissed her back with so much passion that my heart broke. I was stunned. I was vaguely aware of my phone slipping through my fingers and landing on the chair. My whole body shook. I felt my vision blur and the outside spinning. I had to sit down! Now.

I took deep breaths. _It's ok, Reed. Maybe Ivy drugged Josh this time. _

It was a lie. I knew it was. Oh God, how did this happen? I felt tears falling down incessantly. Never ending.

The drama and the headachs were never ending. Why? Why was Josh doing this to me? I was pissed off. I was no longer going to let this slide. I needed answers. Now. It couldn't wait. I didn't give a shit.

With my tears still pouring down, I dialed Josh's number. It rang three times before he answers. "Hey Reed!" he exclaimed.

Damn that son of a bitch. How dare he act pleased to hear my voice?!

I had to say something before I lost my raw emotions and succumbed to being the wimpering child.

"I hate you." I poured as much venom as I could into those words. Another batch of tears fell down, but my voice barely wavered. I was going to be strong. I knew I could.

Josh was quiet. "What are you talking about?" asked Josh. He sounded so innocent. Yeah right.

"Don't play stupid with me Hollis!" _Hollis? _"How dare you! How dare you say that you want to wait for me, but instead you go fuck Ivy?!" I cracked and I started to sob uncontrollably. "You…you…you lied! I hate you! You said that you wanted to wait for me and get everything all sorted out, but you lied!" I hiccupped and took a deep breath. "How dare you think I'm some girl you can always come back too! I'm not your bitch! Ugh! I've been waiting and waiting and now I'm done! I'm so tired! Why won't you let me rest?" I was going crazy right now. He was quiet on the other end.

"Let me guess, your trusted friends told you?" he said. He sounded guilty. Good. He should.

I drew a sharp breath. "They care about me, unlike you. They would never want me to live in a lie." My sobbing stopped, and my mind began to clear. Suddenly, I became so disgusted with everything. I was disgusted with three attempted murders. I was sick and tired of waiting for Josh to make up his stupid mind. I'm not the same Reed Brennen anymore. I could do whatever the hell I wanted to.

"I'm done."

All was quiet on both ends. The birds weren't chirping and the trees weren't moving. I didn't even hear Josh make a sound. My breathing stopped. I closed my eyes, trying to let it sink in. Quietly, I heard sobbing on the other end. Josh was actually crying? He deserved to feel guilty.

"I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I don't want to lose you. I really don't know what to do. I'm confused. I'm sorry." He continued to cry. His sobs were quickly piercing me, but they didn't leave a hole. I was already bored of his excuses. My anger made a barrier, and the arrows that were trying to penetrate me just popped back out. Suddenly, I knew exactly what to do. It was perfect. Maybe I would regret it, but it was right. It was the only way.

I shut the phone.

I slowly placed the phone back on the table and lied down. I was so empty. A part of me was gone. All these emotions and epiphanies were rushing in. My head hurt. My heart hurt. Every part of me hurt. I really had lost him now. There was no going back. Was I going to cry my ass off tonight? Probably. Did I regret it? Probably. I don't know how long I sat there, but I did, just staring at empty space.

After several minutes of reflecting on nothing, I felt a presence near me. I turned to my side and saw that it was Sawyer. He had a bottle of beer and a large bowl of chocolate cake batter. He had a peculiar look on his face; I'm sure he saw nothing but an empty void. Wordlessly, he handed me the bowl and sat down next to me. Sawyer expertly opened the beer bottle and began drinking by taking slow, small sips as if he was savoring the moment. His eyes drifted off into the forest and he said nothing.

I looked down at the cake batter. This simple gesture started to make me cry again, and I started to cry even more knowing that Josh and I were truly over. Life sucks.

So it was just me, my sadness, my pain, and some comfort food. No wait- it was me, my sadness, my pain, comfort food, _and_ Sawyer. As pathetic as it sounds, it felt pretty damn good at the moment. Real good.

* * *

well guys, what do you think? the reason i had josh hook up with ivy because im sure that he missed reed when he was in easton. and ivy was there. and josh never really forgot about those feelings for ivy. i dont think ivy is a horrible person and i dont think that what josh did was just to hurt reed. he was confused. all three of them are. i felt like reed had to end it in order for her to grow up.

anyway, dont hate me please? im trying to make the feelings and the motives behind it real.

reviews please! and thanks for those who have reviewed!


	16. Chapter 16

Sense and Sensibility

So, I was back to square one. I was officially over with Josh and I was a total train wreck. Anything that reminded me of him made me cry. Not only that, I started to more about Thomas and Cheyenne, and whether or not I contributed to their death. It made me feel a lot worse. My hormones were going way out of line; it even scared me. Maybe this is how it feels to lose the person you love. It hurt like a bitch.

Regardless, I tried. I kept telling myself that it was for the best, but I couldn't help but doubt. What did Josh mean when he said that he was confused? Why would he be confused? At this point, I would usually get irritated and mad. I could care less about Josh being confused (well, not really). He was obviously a weak person who couldn't make up his mind. And besides, if he didn't hook up with Ivy the day after we broke up, then everything would have been fine. No middle person. No Upton and no Ivy. Just us.

_Stop thinking about this Reed. Grow up. Drama doesn't suit you, and you don't need it. _

Well, it happened to follow me anywhere, so it didn't really matter.

A couple of hours the fateful phone call with Josh, I got a phone call from Noelle. Boy, did she have to say something. She said she was going to rip Missy's big ass nose and shove it up all the Billing girls' ass. She went on to say how she was going to beat the shit out of Josh, but that sent me to another round of tears. And that kind of reminded me of the incident with Thomas.

A few days later, I was in my room, just staring out the window when I heard a slight knock. Reluctantly, I got up and opened the door. It was Sawyer. I knew I looked like a mess, with my hair barely done and my battered Penn State shirt looking just plain dirty. He smiled apologetically. He was wearing a T-shirt that had The Smiths band members on it and some ripped jeans. I stared at him, thinking about nothing until he asked "May I come in?" I nodded, feeling stupid for drifting off in front of Sawyer.

I led him to my room, and I sat down on my bed. Sawyer seemed a little nervous, but determined. I knew there was sadness and emptiness written all over my face, which was probably why he was nervous. He had already seen me abruptly start crying yesterday night. Sawyer sat down next to me.

He was quiet for a few moments. I looked at him and saw him concentrating on something. Sawyer looked cute, having that determined look on his face. I nudged him on the shoulder, indicating for him to tell me what was up. He looked up at me and said:

"Her name was Hannah. I've known her since pre-school. She wasn't filthy rich, but her father was an accomplished doctor, so they had money." Why in the world was he telling me this?

Wait…he had a girl? He was telling me something about a past girlfriend?! Instantly, I became interested. Sawyer had a girlfriend. Wow.

He looked down at his hands. "Anyway, we would do everything together. We were friends- well, friends with benefits. I loved her." He smiled at me sheepishly. "One day, she meets this wonderful, exciting new guy. I knew he was trouble. I heard he was trouble. I tried to tell her that he wasn't good. But she kept on telling me that they were just friends. Nothing was going to happen and what not." Sawyer glanced up at me.

He blew out a sigh. "She became interested in him. She fell hard on drugs and was spiraling down. I helped her as much as I could, but she kept on pushing me away. Then one day, she said that she hated me. She said I was boring. Hannah screamed for 15 minutes straight, saying she was tired of being this perfect girl for me and she hated the fact that I was rich. She started saying some crap that I was going out with somebody." He inhaled. I was silent, afraid of how this was going to turn out. "Watching her walk away was the hardest thing I had to watch."

"So I would keep tabs on her, making sure she was ok. She would skip school and there would be rumors that she passed out at some crazy ass party." Sawyer paused and looked away sadly.

"One day, in the middle of the night, I got a phone call. It was her mother. She said she got in an accident. Hannah and the driver. Chase was his name." He grimaced at this part; I could feel disgust coming off of him. "They were both drunk. Chase walked away clean and fine." Oh no. Oh no. I knew what he was about to say now. My heart was already sinking.

He looked at me, sadness and loss clear in his eyes. "Hannah now lives in a mental hospital. She's been paralyzed from the neck down, and she can't tell the difference between the chair and her own hands." Oh my God. Oh God. This was so sad. The girl that he loved was…done. This was worse than someone dying. Hannah was nothing. It was torture just hearing this. Imagine actually seeing her. Poor, poor Sawyer. Tears started to form around my eyes.

Sawyer's eyes were soft. "My family pays for her meds and all the bills. Her parents don't know that. When I go visit her, she looks so empty. Hannah clearly doesn't remember who I am, but if I continue to go for a month straight, she starts to remember me." He took my hand, his eyes burning with intensity and fierceness. I felt tears roll down my face.

"I don't want you to pity me. I came here to tell you that during the first few months, I kept on thinking, 'What did I do wrong?' But it wasn't my fault. I can't be responsible for everything. I would always think of what _could've_ been. But I can't" he finalized. He shook his head. "Maybe it wasn't supposed to be. We can't control everything. The only thing we can try to control is ourselves." I was silent. He was telling me this story of how I should move on. I looked down.

"You want me to move on. I want to also. It's hard, though." Sadly, I looked at Sawyer. He squeezed my hand tighter and forced his gorgeous eyes on me. The eyes that saw so much. Like me.

"I'm trying to help you learn to breathe again. I want you too. You need to. Not because of him" he was referring to Josh. Funny, he knew not to say his name. "But because of everything else. Breathe Reed. Just learn to breathe. Learn to live again" he whispered, and it sent a wave of shivers down my spine. I was vaguely aware of tears falling down some more, for they had gotten so numb from my non-stop crying. Sawyer gently wiped them away, wistful sadness apparent in every movement that he did. After a moment, Sawyer pulled away. He got up and headed towards the door. Before he left, Sawyer gave me one last look. Silently, he said _you can do this Reed. You're free to live. You've always been given that option. Now take it._ He turned slowly and left.

I stayed there for a few minutes, letting it sink in. He was right. I was free to live, but I was only wrapping myself in misery when I didn't have too. Perhaps Thomas and Cheyenne's died because of me. Maybe not. I could never know what was going to happen. Maybe Thomas would've gotten deep into drugs, and ended that way. Maybe Cheyenne… well, I'm not sure about her. But I was sure of one thing- they wouldn't want to see me like this. And the whole thing with Josh…that was going to take some time. I sat there, thinking over everything that Sawyer said.

God, Sawyer was more of a mess than I was. He lost two people that he truly loved. Well, he didn't really lose Hannah, but she might was well be gone. And Jenna. Despite all the sadness, he was trying. He didn't let it get to him. I should be taking notes from him.

Suddenly, I started to think of the book, Sense and Sensibility. And Colonel Brandon. …Wait a minute. Why was I thinking of that book?

Then it hit me. Sawyer reminded me of Colonel Brandon. Both of them loved a girl who didn't love them back. But that didn't stop them. They still cared for them; Sawyer taking care of Hannah and Brandon taking care of his lover's daughter. They were both humble and just plain beautiful men; they didn't care about money or status.

Now that I was relating Sense and Sensibility to my life, I decided to label every one else. Let's see…Ivy Slade as Lucy Steele. Both were stupid, ignorant bitches. Fit Ivy perfectly. Who else? Upton as John Willoughby. Both were womanizers; another match. Who would be Edward? It wasn't hard, but I was trying to ignore that. Well, it was going to be Josh. They were both nice, and caring men. Josh and Edward had attachments else where when they didn't want to. At least, in Edward's case.

Who was Elinor and Marianne? Should I be Elinor, the quiet girl who was selfless enough to let Edward do her thing and wait? Or Marianne? The girl who was head over heels for the hot guy, only to fall in love with the person that she least expected? Hard, hard choices…

Ah ha! Jane Austen was a tricky person. Since it was her story, and since it was completely fictional, she had two girls represent two heartaches. But that's not always the case. Especially in mine. She couldn't bear to have one person go through so much pain, so she split it in half.

Jane Austen was scared of being hurt.

And you know what? So was I.

But now, that doesn't matter. I'm freaking 17 years old. I will not let this shit get to me. Yes, I have been through a lot. But that doesn't mean I give up. That doesn't mean I'll cower in a little corner. I'll rip the damn wall if I have too. I'll stand up. I will be unstoppable. No one would dare cross me.

Wait. Did I want people to fear me? No. But I wanted them to respect me. Respect was what I was going to get, I decided.

And the life I always wanted was what I was going to get too.

No drama. No heartache. No stupid, crazy people. No more being naïve.

No more being the Reed Brennen that everyone knew and thought they could take advantage over.

No more.

ok guys, this will be the last sob story from sawyer! i felt like i had to explain why he wasnt that absorbed in girls as the other guys, and i wanted him to help reed out. so, what do you think? like the new revelation i have for reed? what about the colonol brandon thing? when i was writing this, i was like omg i just made sawyer into colonol brandon! lol

ok theres something going on with my upload thing; im not sure if you guys are having the same problem

i wanted to thank privateserieslvr for helping me out! thanks :)

and thanks for the reviews everyone! really made my day (like always)! more would be appreciated :)

* * *


	17. Chapter 17

Hey, Playgirl

After my pretty much awesome new revelation, I worked like a worker bee to "free myself." I busied myself in my studies (this just shows how much of a social life I have), and I made sure that my recent predicement with Josh wasn't going to get to me. Even Noelle noticed a change in my tone and attitude when I talked to her.

"Did something happen to you? Because I feel like you're trying to be me, but a nicer version. Like I'm not saying you can't be a bitch, but it's a nice bitch. If you know what I mean" explained Noelle.

I laughed, while looking through my closet to pick something out to wear. Sawyer and I were going to go shopping. Yes, we were going shopping. I basically stormed into his room, declared I was sick and tired of moping and I needed retail therapy. He was so alarmed by my sudden outburst, but he agreed. I remembered my heart fluttering when he smiled at me.

"You know what? I kind of like being you. People don't mess with you and like they do everything for you and what not. I learned from the best!" I said. I decided on a T-shirt that said "Je t'aime moi non plus" ( I have no idea what it means) a navy blue military like skirt, and some red flats. I was feeling extremely giddy.

"Ok…yeah, something definitely happened. You probably had a one night stand with some of the locals." I began to protest when she said "Anyway, I gotta go. Class is about to start. Call you later?" I heard some guys yelling at each other in the background and some girls too.

I sat down. "Yeah, yeah. Bye!"

"Have fun Glass-Licker" added Noelle.

I sighed. "You really need to stop that" I demanded.

"Ooh look at Miss Reed Brennen, telling me what to do and what not to do." At this, we both chuckled. "Bye" finalized Noelle. She hung up.

It was 1:15 in the afternoon, and Sawyer said that we were going at 1:30. I quickly changed my clothes, feeling kind of sexy for no apparent reason. I put my hair in a loose pony tail and hopped out of my room. This being "New Reed" was really getting to me. I felt careless and free. It has only been a couple of days since my epiphany, and I was already putting it into good use.

I went down the stairs and saw Sawyer sitting in the family room, watching ESPN. "Hey" I said. I went over to him. He looked at me and got up. Sawyer was wearing a light green collared shirt and light blue jeans. The shirt fit him perfectly, accentuating his perfect abs. His hair was somewhat messy, giving it a sexy tousled look.

"Ready?" he asked. He had already taken out the keys from his pocket. I nodded and we headed out the door. A warm blast of air welcomed me when we got outside. His car was already out in the drive way. We both got in the car and headed out.

We were both silent on the way to the strip mall. I would occasionally steal glances at Sawyer. Sometimes, I would find him looking at me and we would usually blush at that point, and look away.

After 20 minutes, we approached the shopping mall. Sawyer stopped in front of Louis Vuitton in the middle of the road. I gave him a quizzical look, and he smiled at me sheepishly. "Valet parking." As if on cue, a cute Caribbean boy came around the corner, and opened the door for me. I got out and gave him a thanks, while Sawyer and the boy traded seats. As we began to approach the mall, Sawyer came by my side, wrapped his arm around my waist, and lightly led the way in. Oh God. The amount of electricity! It was over whelming. I scarlet blush quickly began forming and I looked down, embarrassed.

Sawyer opened the door for me, and led me inside. Immediately, a thin lady, who was unusually dressed, smiled warmly. "Hello and welcome! How may I help you?" asked the store clerk.

I wasn't sure what to say, so I looked up at Sawyer. "We're fine. We were just looking around. But thank you" finished Sawyer.

The lady smiled and said "Of course" and she left us alone.

There wasn't anybody really there, except a few people who decided to stay in St. Barth's for little longer. I eyed a couple of cute shirts, and headed towards there. I looked behind me, and Sawyer just looked flat out awkward. I turned around and faced him. "Feeling out of place?" I smiled.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and shuffled his feet. "My mom usually does the shopping for me…so yes, it is awkward." He laughed quietly and I joined in.

I looked around for a while until I saw a very gorgeous red dress. It was silk and hit right above the knees. It was made to show off someone curves and I loved it. Immediately, I went over to it and picked it up. I brought it up to my body and asked Sawyer, "What do you think?"

He looked at me as if he could care less, but replied "It's nice." I pursed my lips, feeling kind of bored already. My energy was running out.

"Ok um…I think I'm going to try this on. I don't think expensive stores have a return policy" I said with a smile. Sawyer looked at me, and gestured that I followed him. We ended up going to the back where the fitting rooms were. They didn't have a door, but rather a curtain. And it was white. These people seriously had no modesty.

Regardless, I went inside. I caught Sawyer sitting on the sofas, looking extremely out of place. I smiled to myself. I quickly took off my clothes, eager to try it on. The incident with my Dior dress came to my mind, and I was secretly praying that this would fit. Boy, did it fit.

It was perfect. It was extremely sexy. And it was just plain beautiful. It showed off my curves, and made my small boobs look even bigger. I felt glamorous. I stood there, grinning at myself stupidly. I had to show somebody!

Immediately, I got out. I threw the curtain aside and I walked towards Sawyer. "Is it ok?" For some reason, I felt like Sawyer's approval mattered. I really wanted his earnest, and honest opinion. I thought he was going to be the gentlemen and say "Oh yes, it's perfect" and resume being bored again.

Instead, he stared at me. He kept on staring at me until I could no longer look at him. His penetrating stare made me feel beautiful. It wasn't the kind were the guy would think "I can't wait to take that really nice dress off of her", but it was the kind where respect, clear admiration, and plain love rolled off of him. After an eternity, Sawyer whispered, "You look beautiful."

I swallowed and blushed. I was a hundred percent sure that my blush matched the same shade as my dress. As I continued to stand there, I suddenly wanted to try on every dress and hear Sawyer say that over and over again. It was pure heaven to hear those words. A sly grin formed on my lips. I looked past Sawyer and eyed a plum chiffon dress, again hitting up to the knees. "Could you get me that dress on the far right?" I asked, while pointing to the direction where it was at. Sawyer looked at the dress and back at me.

Slowly, he got up and said "Sure" all the while grinning from ear to ear.

When he left to get the dress, I leaned back against the wall. My heart was fluttering and it wouldn't stop. I smiled to myself, feeling a lot better. I couldn't wait to hear Sawyer's opinion. I simply could not wait.

* * *

"So, I think the term 'shop till you drop' should get a new meaning" mentioned Sawyer. We were at his house after _three_ hours- yes three- of shopping. I had a ton of bags, and I'm pretty sure that I maxed out the credit card that the Billing's girls gave me. We were getting the bags out from the back seat _and_ his trunk.

I laughed and said, "Actually, this is nothing compared to what everyone else buys. Imagine if all the girls were here…" I trailed off. The only thing I could do was imagine how much money they would spend.

Sawyer rolled his eyes and said "Yeah, I don't think I can even imagine _that_."

"Miss Reed, I think this be last time you go shopping" said Maria. I felt bad for her, because she was carrying at least 6 to 7 bags.

I laughed and helped her out. "Trust me, it will be the last." As we approached the door, Maria faced us and said:

"I have a surprise for you and Sawyer!" she said gleefully. "Don't worry, it very nice!" she added. Sawyer and I looked at each other questionably. What would Maria have in stored for us?

As she opened the door and led us in, I quickly realized it was not a very nice surprise.

God dammit! What was wrong with me? Why did I have to be such a drama magnet?

And why was Dash McCafferty sitting in the living room?

* * *

thanks guys for the reviews! i know that suspicion has already come out or some people have gotten a copy already...i went on kate brians blog and i read a few spoilers:

SPOILER ALERT: ok so sawyer does save reed (like i had predicted in my second chapter), josh and ivy are still together, billings gets burned down, sawyers dad become headmaster at easton so sawyer ends up going there, and sawyer and reed develop feelings for each other. i really want to buy the book, but my sister was being stupid and not taking me to b&n, and my mom doesnt want me to read those kind of books (but ive managed to snatch a few copies); i can't wait to get my license.

anywho, i can't believe how close i was! i practically guessed and just kept on writing what i thought was best. you can view the second chapter and simon&. just type in suspicion and you'll find it.

in addition, what do you think? i think dash has a lot of explaining to do, and i felt like it wasnt finalized in paradise lost.


	18. Chapter 18

Shed Your Love

I froze. What the hell was he doing here? Did Noelle know he was here? And wasn't he supposed to be in school?

During the time I was standing still by the door, Dash met up with Sawyer and the two began to talk. I instantly started to think about Legacy and everything that happened after that. My cheeks burned from shame and embarrassment. Oh God, what was I supposed to do?

"Reed? How are you?" asked Dash. Always the gentlemen. He was wearing a light blue polo and a pair of jeans. He looked more like an Abercrombie model than ever. I swallowed and shook my head. I came forward, trying not to look like I was hyperventilating.

"Fine, fine…how are you?" My voice sounded unbearably shaky. Wait, why was I acting all weird? I mean, he obviously still has feelings for Noelle, so it shouldn't matter that he was here, right?

But of course it wasn't.

It was so…absurd! If he wanted to stay here, why didn't he just stay? Why did he come back? And if Noelle knew, then why didn't she tell me? I mean, after everything, I don't think she would've been so happy if Dash was coming back here to see if I was ok.

Sawyer eyed at us suspiciously. Dash smiled and said "I'm good." There was a moment of awkward silence. Then Sawyer said:

"What brings you here? I thought you were hanging out with the Lange family for a while?" asked Sawyer. _Oh yeah, forgot that already buddy?_ I thought angrily.

Dash swallowed and said "My friend's birthday is tomorrow and he found out that I hang out at St. Barth's. He's kind of like the Gage of Yale" he added with a nervous laugh. "So as a birthday present, I brought him here" explained Dash.

He was obviously avoiding the main question. "Oh ok, but I thought you were going to hang out with Noelle for a while?" I asked a tad bit too harsh.

Dash flushed, and shuffled his feet. "Noelle has school, and I wanted to spend the rest of my month off with my family."

_Yeah, right. _

All was quiet for a few moments. I could feel Dash staring at me, and that only made me feel more uncomfortable. Oh God, what was Noelle going to think of this? She was my freaking best friend! And she loved Dash! He was so fucking stupid! Why oh why did he have to come?!

Right on cue, we heard a loud grumble coming from Dash's stomach. I looked up and saw Sawyer and Dash laughing. Dash's hands were on his stomach. Despite the…weirdness of the situation, I joined in with the laughter, nervously though. I realized I was hungry also.

"Food ready! Come and eat!" rang Maria.

All three of us headed towards the dining table. Both of the guys stopped, and gestured that I go first. I blushed, aware of both of the guys staring at me.

All three of us sat down, Dash sitting across from me and Sawyer on my left, sitting at the edge of the table. As I looked up, I saw Dash staring at me again. When he saw me looking at him, he blushed and looked back down. I was starting to get pissed off. He obviously had something on his agenda. I was going to have a word with him later.

The boys began to talk while Maria took out the food and placed it on the table. She made chicken enchiladas, and quesadillas along with lemonade to wash down all the spices and cheese. I was vaguely aware of Dash talking about his Yale adventures to Sawyer while we were eating. I continued to ignore them- well, Dash at least.

While I was in the middle of my quesadilla, I felt something brush against my leg. I stopped and choked on my food. I swallowed it down with my lemonade. Oh my God, was it Dash's foot that brush against my leg? I looked up and Sawyer gave me a concerned look. I smiled and said it was ok. I glanced up at Dash and he didn't even seem bothered by my reaction. His face was perfectly composed. I glared at him until he had to look down again.

After a couple of uncomfortable minutes for me, Dash dropped his fork while he was telling Sawyer and animated story of stealing a Jimmy John's sign. I looked under the table and saw that it was right next to my foot. I didn't even bother to pick it up. Without hesitating, Dash went under the table to retrieve it. My heart started to beat faster. Then, ever so slightly, I felt Dash's lips against my bare leg. Not once, but twice. I froze. Oh shit! Oh no! This was getting way out of hand. The places where he kissed me burned. I was getting really hot. I vaguely saw Sawyer looking at both Dash and I, knowing all too well something was up. He seemed kind of angry. Dash got back up and resumed telling his story, oblivious to the fact that I was hyperventilating. I had to do something!

I got up. "Uh…sorry guys, but I'm kind of tired." I didn't even get to finish my food. I had already started heading out of the dining room. "I'll talk to you guys later!" I squeaked. I practically ran upstairs and jumped into my room.

I slammed the door shut and started pacing back and forth in my room. What the fuck was going on? Why was he hitting on me? Didn't he tell me that he would never cheat on anyone? And wasn't he drooling all over Noelle when were all together in winter break? All these pestering questions bombarded my brain, and I couldn't take it. I had to talk to him now before anything else happened.

Abruptly, the door was opened. It was Dash. He stood by the door, his expression asking if he could come in. Despite everything he just did, he was still trying to be a gentleman. I glared at him.

"Who the hell do you think you are, hitting on me while you're supposed to be with Noelle? Or at least wanting her back?" I hissed. I stood by my bed, wanting to make the distance between us as far as I could manage. He ignored my cold treatment, came in, and shut the door behind him.

He swallowed and looked like he was holding something in. "Reed" he pleaded, "let me explain."

I snorted. "Explain what? That you're trying to put moves on me, even though you said you'd rather be with Noelle? The girl that you supposedly love? My best friend?" I interrogated.

Dash seemed surprised by the amount of hostility I was giving off. According to him, he probably still thought that I was the nice little Reed that everyone loved.

He ran his hand through his hair, and buried his hands in his face. "God, this is so hard!" His voice sounded muffled, since his hands were covering his mouth. He put his hands on his hips and drew a deep breath. My breathing notched up a bit.

"Look Noelle and I have known each other forever. And we seem like a good fit. But…I feel like I'm stuck with her. I want to experience someone else. I want someone who doesn't call me an asshole all the time and bosses me around. Sure, she's a great person…but I want some stability. I want it to be calm. I don't want a fire storm. I don't want someone reading my emails. I don't want someone torturing me by not getting back together, even though it wasn't my fault. I…" he looked at me uncertainly, "I want you. I want you Reed" he finished off.

Son of a bitch! Ugh! Why couldn't he understand? We could never be together. There would always be Noelle looming in the background. And I could never love him.

Or could I?

I began to think during the time I was president, and I was talking to Dash. And the dinner where he almost kissed me. How he asked me if it meant anything that him and Noelle were over. I began to remember feeling like I was…lying. But still, girls over…what's the term? Girls over bros. Yes. Noelle was my best friend, and I would do nothing to hurt her.

I squared my shoulders. "Sorry to disappoint, but I don't want you. I don't need you, and I'm not going to ruin my relationship with Noelle." I stood my ground.

Dash scoffed. "Yeah, right." He came towards me, and I began to cower on the wall by the window. He put his hands on both sides and I was trapped. I could feel his heavy breathing and his intoxicating cologne. And his gorgeous brown eyes…

_Reed! Stop that now!_

"Why won't you understand? You're the sweetest, and the most caring person I know, and the most beautiful. You don't care about money and clothes. You're selfless and plain gorgeous." Here, he brought his fingers up to my cheeks and caressed them. He stepped closer to me; there was no room to run now. He was desperate. "You are willing to do everything for anyone. And I've never, ever met anyone like you." Dash paused. "I want to feel like…someone just wants me there because they want to see me. I don't want to be an accessory. I don't want to be someone you call up just to have sex. I want to be adored and loved. I know that sounds selfish, but I'm really tired. I know you can do the same for me, and I know I could do the same for you" said Dash.

Oh my God. Those were the saddest and sweetest words I had ever heard. Poor Dash. I never understood how Noelle and Dash's relationship worked, but I felt horrible for listening to this. He was so lost! I could see it in his eyes. And the way that he described me! I began to pity Dash.

"At the fundraiser, when I saw you…you looked so small and broken. I just wanted to grab you and make you smile again. And when I heard that Josh broke up with you, I felt a whole in my chest, knowing that it was my fault it happened. Not a day went by where I didn't think of you. Gosh, I've never felt this way for anyone. I've never wanted to protect someone as much as I want to protect you" He inhaled.

"Reed…I…I heard things. About what happened to you in Easton. And it tore me apart. But then I started to think about the time we would talk via email and…I couldn't help but notice…something." He looked away and shook his head. "It's common knowledge that Josh hates Billings. And I know, for a fact, that you consoled to me because I understood. I understood more than anyone else. Why are you ignoring that?!" exclaimed Dash.

All I could do was shake my head. He was right. God, he nailed the spot. I hated the fact that it was all true. Despite all his jabbering and his confessions, this really hit home. I couldn't ignore it, although I really wanted too.

Crap! I was supposed to be strong Reed, but it clearly wasn't working at all. Whatever he just said…it was so true. It sounded so sincere. I knew he wasn't lying. It was pure, whatever he said. I felt my defense walls crumbling down. They started to get soft and mushy to the point where anyone could mold it. But I had already declared that I could never love him. So why was this so hard? I looked up at him, sad but firm.

"I don't love you. I never will." I lifted my chin up in finality.

Dash smirked and sighed. "How ironic" he said, while looking at my shirt. I happened to look down also, wondering what was so ironic about it.

I was confused. "What's ironic about it?" I asked, genuinely curious.

"Je t'aime... moi non plus. It means 'I don't love you…me neither'" he explained.

I scoffed. "You got that right" I said sarcastically. I was aware of Dash staring at me, and it only made me feel more uncomfortable. I was getting hot and nervous.

"Why are you here, besides declaring that you love me and trying to ruin my relationship with Noelle?" I demanded.

Dash flinched, but went back to his cool, composed way. "I came here to tell you some things" he said. I looked away in disbelief. He wasn't done yet?

"I want to hold you and kiss you. Then I want to make love to you. And I want to whisper 'I love you' over and over again. I want to shower you with everything I have to offer. And I would do it all over again the very next day" he explained matter-of-factly. He was so close that I could count some of the freckles on his face.

These were dangerous places we were passing. I would never be able to forget everything he just told me.

"Dash! What is wrong with you? This" I gestured at us, "can never be."

Dash shook his head, obviously frustrated. "Why won't you understand!? Didn't you hear everything I just said?" he thundered.

"Oh I understand completely jackass! I'm not that stupid! And why do you keep on saying that I don't understand? Because I do!" I roared back.

He was silent for a moment. "No Reed" he started off quietly, "you're in denial. That's why you're not willing to process whatever I said because they are true."

I froze. He was absolutely right. When I didn't retaliate, I saw Dash's smile widen. He smelled an easy victory.

Without my consent and without saying a word, he took both of his hands and kissed me. It was soft and tender. I was totally unresponsive, but he continued nonetheless.

I started to feel disconnected from my conscience and my emotions. I was only thinking of the present; well, not even that. I wasn't aware of Dash dragging me to my bed, and lay my back on it. I wasn't aware of him kissing me on my neck, my face, my stomach, anywhere. I wasn't aware of him wrapping his strong, warm arms around me. I was completely unaware of him stroking my hair, but I let him explore my body for some reason. I missed the affectionate feeling I got from anyone.

I started to see another pair of arms. Wait, was it…Thomas's? Just as I was sure it was Thomas's, I saw Josh's arms. Then Upton's. Whoa, what was going on? And then when I looked up into Dash's eyes, I didn't see warm brown orbs, but rather grey ones with brown flecks on the irises. There were Sawyers! What was up with me?

Then it hit me. In one way or another, I had fallen for these guys, or was about too. And then I became disgusted with myself. In two whole years, I had some kind of relationship with at least four guys. And they weren't just one night stands. Like actually serious. This showed how naïve and gullible I was. I was so weak, that I jumped from one guy to another. I fell for anyone who I thought cared about me, or even just a tad because I needed a shoulder to lie on. Well, Sawyer was a different case. But I had to stop this now. Growing up was harder than I thought.

I forcefully pushed Dash away and somewhat got up. I was fuming. What did I just get myself into? Didn't I promise myself that I wasn't going to let anyone take advantage over me?

But he wasn't having that. He obviously thought that I wanted him. I pushed him again and somewhat succeeded. "Leave now!" I said. Dash looked confused. He was still hovering over me and both of his hands were securely on my waist. I was getting angry at this point. I shoved him again until he was fully off of me. "Just leave!" I hollered. Dash still had that confused look on his face, but let go of his hands around my waist and released me. I breathed a sigh of relief, only to find out I couldn't just yet.

The door opened slowly. Dash and I both looked towards the door. Oh crap, it was Sawyer. He looked shocked. He had my unfinished plate in his hand. It looked like he was going to drop it, considering how much his hand was shaking. Sawyer looked at us for another moment before his expression changed. It went from disgust to judgmental. And the whole time, he was staring at me.

My cheeks burned from shame. Dash immediately jumped off the bed and headed towards Sawyer. "Look man…I…it's not her fault, ok?" Dash pleaded.

Sawyer just shook his head, his eyes still fixed on me. He laughed darkly. "The best friend's boyfriend. And the girlfriend's best friend. You guys really do love drama" he added sarcastically. He left my plate on my desk and left without another word.

Oh my God. He hated me. He probably thought I was some whore. Tears started forming around my eyes. I hated myself than ever at that moment. I really, really wanted Sawyer to understand. Without his approval or forgiveness, I knew I would never be able to rest.

I secretly placed myself in places where I could only receive heartaches and destroy everything I worked for. And the way that Sawyer looked at me! The disgust! And I knew for a fact that he was reconsidering everything he ever thought about me.

I got up from the bed. "Please leave" I begged Dash. He pursed his lips, also embarrassed as I was. Slowly, he went towards the door, head hung low. His hand was on the handle when he looked up at me and said sadly "I'm sorry."

I found a pen that was by my bed and threw it at him square in the chest. Why was he sorry? Was he sorry for the fact that I was so fucking weak? That I couldn't control my feelings? I glared at him, anger rolling off of me. Dash then looked away and walked out.

I sat back on my bad. I was so stupid. I was so damn weak. And I lost the respect of someone I actually care about. I was sickened with myself. Sawyer was right- we loved drama. It didn't follow me. I just happened to create my own little trails until they made a big one and headed towards a waterfall where everything could fall down.

I sighed. I so needed to grow up. Like now.

I then started to think what growing up really meant. Then I got it. It should mean not being Reed Brennen.

* * *

ok so what do you think? i felt like i dash had a lot of explaining to do. i dont know, i kind of didnt like this chapter, but just tell me what you think. he'll be coming back though, so the drama's not yet over :)

i found out a few more spoilers: i think that reed gets kidnapped and is dumped in some unknown place for like a few days. and then she sees thomas as a hallucination, telling her where to go and get water. thats about it.

one quick favor: if anyone has read suspicion yet, could you please PM me and send me the whole summary? i'm really bad when it comes to surprises lol. i want the whole package; people, places, all the deets.

thanks for the reviews guys! more would be appreciated :)


	19. Chapter 19

I Hope You Never Pretend for Me

I sighed. I turned my head to the side to get a better view of the clock. It read 12:45 a.m. I had been awake for two hours. After my encounter with Dash, I stayed in my room, ignoring everyone and finishing up my leftover food. I was completely mortified. My thoughts would always go back to the look that Sawyer gave me. And then I would think of Noelle.

A lump formed in my throat. Was she going to hate me? Should I even _tell_ her? Did Dash tell her yet? Was he even stupid enough to do that? All of these questions were bubbling in my brain, which was the reason why I couldn't go to sleep.

I was dismayed at myself. Despite the fact that I managed to push Dash off, I had let him touch me. I had let him kiss me. This time, we were 100 percent sober. I had let him pretty much ruin my relationship with Noelle.

I breathed a sharp breath and laid my back on the bed. I couldn't sleep. I needed some closure. Especially from Sawyer.

Quickly, I got up from my bed. Slowly, I opened my door and jumped out of the room. Thank God it didn't squeak; it would've ruined everything I came out here for.

I tip-toed my way to Sawyer's door. My hand was shaking from sheer nervousness. What if he didn't want to see me? What if he would dismiss me, like Josh did after Legacy? I felt a tiny pinch in my chest, but ignored that and continued on my mission.

Ever so slightly, I opened Sawyer's door. I could hear him quietly snoring. Not wanting to surprise him by me standing at the door, I would open the door a little bit each time he would snore. It took forever, because he wasn't a constant snorer. After a couple of minutes or so, I managed to open it all the way. I sneaked my way across Sawyer's room, stealing glances at him and praying that he didn't wake up. When I was about 6 to 7 feet away from his bed, I immediately thought this was a bad idea.

I felt like a creepy stalker. Was he going to scream his ass off and call the cops on me? As those silly thoughts came into my head, they were quickly erased when I saw Sawyer sleeping.

He looked immeasurably cute, with his arms and legs spread out, as if he just came back from a hard day of work. The blanket barely covered him, so you could see his chiseled abs shining from the moonlight. He seemed calm and deep in sleep. Instantly, I felt bad and stupid. I didn't want to wake him up. And he was probably going to think I was weird for wanting to talk to him at 12:45 at night. Slowly, I turned around and headed towards the door. This could wait until the morning.

"Reed?" It sounded groggily and tired.

I stood in my tracks. Oh crap. I wish I didn't come at all. I felt like an idiot. Reluctantly, I turned around and gave him a nervous smile. His eyes were still halfway shut, but he seemed to regain his consciences. Sawyer got up halfway, his elbow still propped on the bed. He looked concerned and surprised.

"Hey" I whispered. I didn't move an inch. I nervously started to play with my fingers. "I wanted to talk, but I didn't think…" I explained. I felt my cheeks burn. His confused expression told me that I should leave now. "I'll talk to you later" I squeaked. I turned around and speed walked to his door when I heard:

"Stay." He was fully up now, but he was running his hands on his face and hair, trying to shake off the drowsiness. I felt horrible. And now that I thought about it, I wasn't sure that I should explain to Sawyer. I stood by the door, not sure if I should leave or go. Sawyer stared at me for another second before he said "It's fine."

My heart stopped. He looked so earnest when he said that. He knew that I wanted to talk to him; well, more like _needed_ to talk to him. He was telling me that he wasn't going to judge or anything. It didn't even look like Sawyer was mad at me. It seemed like he actually wanted to hear what I wanted to say. My nervousness was swept away, and I felt calm. Sawyer was sitting Indian style on his bed now, giving me room to sit and a chance to talk. I pursed my lips for a moment before I went to Sawyer's bed and perched on the edge of the bed, not facing him however.

I felt Sawyer staring at me intently. Why was I here? All the reasons why I wanted to come here disappeared in the air. I started to feel really stupid, just sitting on his bed not saying anything. I heard Sawyer take a deep yawn, and my heart went out to him. I totally ruined his sleeping time.

I got up and faced him. God, he looked so hot just sitting there. I swallowed. "I'll just leave. Seriously, I'll talk to you later." My words sounded like I was slurring because I said them in such a hurry. I was about to walk towards the door again when Sawyer said:

"That's stupid. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to talk. Please. It'll help" he added. He looked at me suggestively. I sighed, and Sawyer smiled. Slowly, I sat on the bed, sitting in Indian style just like Sawyer.

Instantly, I felt relaxed. I looked at Sawyer, and he didn't have a judgmental look on his face. I still couldn't get over the fact that he was actually giving me a chance. I lump formed in my throat, remembering that during the time of my "crisis", Noelle and Josh didn't even to bother to listen to me.

Before these emotions rushed to the surface, I felt Sawyer's hand glide over mine and take my hand in it. I tensed because just a little amount of contact was pushing me over the edge. His hand was so warm and soft. Imagine the rest of his body…

"Reed?" he asked sweetly. I snapped out of my dirty thoughts and looked back at his gorgeous eyes. He took my other hand and wrapped his on mine. I felt his thumb lightly sweep my wrists. I jolted from that movement. Wait a minute, what did I come here for…? I shook my head. When I finished analyzing the contact of Sawyer's hands, I looked at him again. He seemed calm, and he was waiting patiently. God, I was so glad he was letting me explain. My tensed up heart loosened and I began to explain myself.

"Look I know you probably think I'm some cheating whore." I saw Sawyer give a protested look, but I silenced him. I had to say it now. "But I would never do that. It's just…" I trailed off and looked out the window. There was a full moon, giving the forest a serene and beautiful look. I wasn't sure what to say now. I looked back at him and he was staring at me attentively.

I took a deep breath. "Before Easton, I had no friends and no…guys were interested in me. And when I did come to Easton that changed dramatically. It was…so over whelming. First I had some girls behind my back and watching every move that I did. Then the thing with Thomas and Arianna. And then Cheyenne's death along with another person who wanted to kill me. And finally," I released my hands from Sawyer's and gestured around me "I gained another stalker! And all this time, I wanted comfort and a shoulder to lean on. So even a little ounce of sympathy, and I would be acting like I was forever in their debt. So I fell hard. Reality would then hit me, and I would feel guilty for even thinking about 'neverland'. I'm so stupid" I said, dragging out the "o" in so. I smacked my hands on my thighs in finality. I decided to take a peek at Sawyer at that time.

His face was composed, but I saw understanding in his eyes. His faced softened. He swallowed; for a split second, it looked like he was debating something. Sawyer then took my hands (causing me to shiver with sheer excitement) and intertwined our fingers together. He was staring at them absorbedly, determination apparent on his face. Sawyer looked up at me, lips pursed and all. His eyes burned with intensity.

"I'm sorry if I ever judged you. I didn't mean too. It was a reaction; I could never feel that way about you. It was just very…strange? I thought Noelle meant everything to you and then Dash…" he looked down at our hands, a little embarrassed. Well, not as embarrassed as me. "Even if Dash wasn't with Noelle…it was…hard." I could barely make out the words that Sawyer was saying, but I was acutely aware of him saying it was hard to see Dash and I together. Oh my God was Sawyer implying that he liked me? I felt his hands get a little sweaty and hot. My heart began to beat faster and faster and my chest began to swell.

I could see a crimson blush forming on Sawyer's smooth face despite the lack of light. I could feel mine coming up too. Ah! I couldn't believe this was happening! Instead of feeling guilty or upset, I was…pleasantly surprised. For some reason, however, I couldn't look at him. If I did, I would probably say something really stupid.

I heard Sawyer inhale. "You and Upton…knowing how much of a player he is, it was very…I knew you could've done better, because you deserve someone better" he continued. Holy crap! When did I ever say holy crap? I was speechless. My heart was fluttering like crazy. Sawyer kept his head lowered so I wouldn't be able to see his embarrassment. I never heard Sawyer struggle so hard for words. My chest swelled in hope. To make Sawyer feel better and not have to explain himself further, I said:

"I know." I knew that he liked me and that he was a much stable person. He saved me; _he_ was the one looking for me on the yacht whereas no one else was. Sawyer provided me a home to live in for a month when he didn't have to. He was such a kind and caring person. And I knew, for a fact, Sawyer wasn't the only one feeling the way he was. I finally looked up only to meet up with Sawyer's gorgeous eyes. I saw them brighten up a bit, and his hand became tighter around mine. I saw Sawyer's mouth open a bit as if he wanted to say something, but he closed his mouth and smiled. Moments passed- I don't know how long- but I gazed into Sawyer's grey/brown orbs and he stared at mine, saying the things we were too shy to say out loud, without actually speaking. _Yes Sawyer Hathaway, I've actually fallen for you, _I secretly told him.

Suddenly, Sawyer yawned loudly. I flinched, flabbergasted by the sudden break in our- well, my- "silent talk." As cheesy as that sounds, it was pretty…nice. Sweet. Perfect. I began to giggle. "I think I should let you sleep" I said, while yawning also. Sawyer began to laugh quietly, his hands still wrapped around mine. I didn't want him to let go. All of a sudden, Sawyer dropped on the bed, bringing me down with him. I landed right next to him; I gave out a tiny yelp in surprise. In fact, his perfect arms were brushing up against mine. He let go of my hand. He was laughing and brought the blanket up. He covered us both.

Sawyer yawned again. "Yeah, you should…" he said, teasingly. I saw his eye lids giving in. He was propped on his side, facing me. I brought the blanket up to my chin, taking in the warmth. I felt mine giving in also. I hadn't realized how tired I was.

Groggily, I said "Good night." Wow, I really was tired. I yawned, feeling weightless. The burden that was on me was now gone. Plus, Sawyer just told me that he liked me. That made me feel a lot better.

As I began to fall asleep, I was vaguely aware of Sawyer smiling at me and whispering "Good night." Those words never sounded sweeter than it did in that moment.

* * *

thanks for the review everyone! what do you think? i know its getting kind of boring, but hang in there! school's been a bitch so, sorry for not updating. lol i was supossed to study for 3 tests yesterday but i had to finish this b/c it kept coming up in my head, and i soo had to let it out.

what do you guys think of the relationship thingy i have for reed/sawyer? like it or no? any ideas? and sorry for all you josh/reed fans, he wont be making an appereance soon. but quick question: should i send reed back to easton towards the end of the story? or keep it in St. Barths? i know this sounds like the ending from the actual suspicion, but i seriously was thinking that i should send her back before i found out it was in the book.

oh and btw, the last two? three? chapters maybe? they're the name of actual songs. playgirl by ladytron, shed your love by the helio seqeunce and e.s.t by white lies for this one in case your wondering... i was lisenting to them while i was writing the certain chapters so...check 'em out!

review please :) and thanks again for those who have!


	20. Chapter 20

Autosuggestion

Mmm…it was so warm. My arms and legs were stiff. I probably had the best sleep in such a long time. My eyes were still closed; I didn't want to move an inch. I knew the sun was out, because I could feel the heat on my body.

Wait…it wasn't just the sun heat, was it? All of a sudden, I felt something stir behind me, and in front of me. What the hell?

I tore my eye lids open. Oh. My. God. It was Sawyer who was giving all the heat and warmth. Well, not all of him but you know… The events from last night began to play in my head. Dash coming over. Dash getting all funky with me. Then confessing to Sawyer. And getting to know how Sawyer felt about me. I smiled at that point, feeling all fuzzy, and getting butterflies in my stomach.

I was aware of his arm tucked beneath mine and wrapped around my waist. My arm and hand was overlapping his that occupied my waist, and my back was facing him. His body was pressed again mine super tight; we were curved in unison. I felt his foot move because it was entangled around mine. I started to get hot. And then I remembered Sawyer was shirt less. And he was just wearing his boxers, and I was wearing boy shorts and a tank top. I then started to think. Sawyer and I had a little sleepover. Did it mean anything? Sawyer said that he had feelings for me. So…it did mean something, right?

Jesus, why was I over analyzing this? _Calm down Reed. Just wait till he wakes up_.

Sure, I'll wake up, be nice to Sawyer and go about my day.

I could hear Sawyer's slight snoring. It was like a baby's lullaby. Calm, and sweet. His breath tickled the back of my neck. I also felt the bridge of Sawyer's nose at the nape of neck. Wow, he was really close. I moved my head up a little bit to see the time. Oh crap, it was 11:30 in the morning. I quickly realized I was super hungry, and I had to go to the bathroom really bad. However, Sawyer was tightly wrapped me. I didn't want him to wake up. I laid there for a couple of minutes, deliberating on how I should get up.

I thought about pretending to move positions or act like I was unaware of Sawyer's body cupped around mine. I tried to come up with more plans but unsuccessfully. Well then, I decided, I guess I'll turn to my other side and then I back off. It wasn't going to be that hard, right?

I turned to my right side a little too fast while pushing myself back a little, trying to make the movement seem believable. Right when I did that, I knew that it was a bad mistake. My face was pressed against his and we were even closer. His bare chest was facing me and his arm was even more tightly wound around me. And damn. Sawyer looked so hot. Oh god, I was going wild. I couldn't move; I just wanted to stay there and stare at him.

Less than ten seconds later, I saw Sawyer's eyes flutter. They opened a bit, but he closed them back up, and brought me closer to him pushing me over the edge. My face was somewhat tucked beneath his neck and chest. Then in stages, he began to realize something was up. He broke his eye lids apart and he stared at me. Sawyer then pushed his head back a little to get a better view. His beautiful eyes widen at the state we were in and released his arm that was draped around me. He pushed his whole body back and said:

"Hey." He got up too quickly and tried to shake off the drowsiness. I was still lying down, upset over the fact that Sawyer had released his arm. We were less than a foot apart but it felt like miles compared to two minutes ago. Sawyer was somewhat sitting up. Slowly I got up, although I didn't really want too. I swallowed.

"Hey…uh, did you get a good night's sleep?" I asked stupidly. Who the hell said that? I noticed that my shirt was lifted up and showing off my belly. Self-conscious about my appearance, I fixed my shirt and hair. Sawyer just seemed flat out embarrassed. I saw him stealing glances at me. I didn't get why he was so embarrassed. I thought all our barriers were down now. I guess not. I had to remember that Sawyer wasn't accustomed to girls sleeping in his bed.

Sawyer got up from the bed and ran his hands through his soft blonde hair. He was still trying to shake off the drowsiness. His puffy eyes gave him a cute look, and his oh so perfect body started to make me think of very naughty thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah…you?" he asked politely. Wow, I never did a get good look at Sawyer. Now that we sort of professed ourselves, I couldn't help but want to grab him and kiss him and have his strong arms wrap me and…

I forgot how to speak for a minute. "Uh…yeah?" Why did I make it sound like a question? Slowly, I got up too. I forgot how hungry I was. I looked down at my feet and said "I think I'll get dressed now." I looked up, despite knowing all too well that I would drool over the sight of him.

"Ok" was all he said. "Um…I'm gonna go to the bathroom and get dressed too so…" Sawyer was fully up now, no longer looking tired. I nodded. I saw Sawyer heading towards the bathroom, and I decided to leave also. As I quickly made my way to his door, I bumped into Sawyer.

"Oh! Sorry I didn't mean…" I was still looking down, not at my feet but at the rest of Sawyer's body. We were very close. In reaction, I put my hands up. But now, they were glued onto his chest. My nerves weren't working and I couldn't let go. A blush was forming in my cheeks. Crap! Why couldn't I just be cool and normal for a second? Reluctantly, I looked up. His grey/brown eyes were so close to mine and his lips were less than a centimeter away. I was frozen. Was he going to kiss me? Or was I just taking this the wrong way?

Fuck these stupid questions. Fuck questioning myself. I could care less about what was going to happen next, just as long as I could kiss him.

Forcefully, I took his face with both of my hands and kissed him. I poured everything I had for him in that kiss- passion, love, lust, just about anything. He tasted so sweet, and his lips were soft and warm. I pulled back, wanting to get approval from him. He looked a little shocked and confused, but that was swept away when he leaned down to kiss me.

It was passionate and full of yearning. Ah! How long had I been wanting this? How long did I crave to feel his lips? I was so glad that he responded back. If he didn't, well…

I parted my lips a little and gave him entrance inside my mouth. His perfect arms engulfed me and I was permanently etched into Sawyer. I wrapped my arms around his neck and brought him even closer, if that was possible.

The kiss started off sweet, but now it was getting dangerous and fervent. He was doing this one thing where he would ever so slightly slide his tongue over my teeth, and bring it back to where mine was located. He was driving me insane. This was extreme. I never did this on a first kiss; for some reason, however, I didn't give a damn. I pulled back, needing some room to breathe. Sawyer then took it as an opportunity to bury his neck on my shoulder and rub my body with his hands. I simply could not get enough of him. I was getting tired of standing at this point; I took a couple of steps back and slammed onto the wall, dragging Sawyer with me.

This gave him great access to my body. Hungrily, I brought his lips back onto mine while his hand was circling my back causing me to shiver. I playfully started to play with his hair, which was so soft and silky. I moaned in ecstasy feeling weightless. Everything that plagued me this whole semester was gone. I didn't think about Thomas, Upton, or Josh. It didn't hurt. My chest felt unusually full. I could only think of Sawyer, Sawyer, and only Sawyer.

Both of us were getting hot and sweaty. This was a very intense first kiss. Actually it was more like a make out session. The pull between us was strong. It didn't damage my heart, and it didn't feel obligatory. It just felt right. Sawyer pulled back and brought his lips to my ear. "I've wanted to do this for such a long time" he said. His hand made a trail from my lower back, to my stomach, and ever so slightly touching my breast. He cupped my face and kissed me. I rested my forehead against his, trying to catch my breath.

I giggled and said "You're not the only one." Right on cue, my stomach grumbled loudly. I started to laugh and Sawyer joined in. He pulled back a little, and cold air blasted between us considering how hot it was a minute ago. His hands were securely tied around my waist.

He swallowed and smiled. "I'm sure Maria is cooking something. I think we should get dressed, though" he mentioned. I smiled. I saw sheen of sweat across Sawyer's forehead. _Ok, that was a little too intense,_ I thought. I swallowed a little embarrassed by my reaction. But I couldn't deny the fact that I was aching for that for many days. Weeks even. Sawyer released me and I made a face, indicating that I wanted him to hold me again. He chuckled quietly and softly kissed me again. I smirked and said:

"I'll be downstairs." He nodded, and I opened the door. I looked at Sawyer again before I left and started to giggle. He smiled again and I finally got out of his room.

Sweet Jesus. I just had a make out session with Sawyer. Sawyer and I were officially a couple. I walked back to my room in a daze, not even aware of what I was supposed to do next. Now that I had the scent and feel of Sawyer, I wanted more. A lot more. Everywhere he touched me burned, and it still felt like he was still touching me. I wanted to run back in his room and kiss him.

Oddly enough, I didn't think of Josh. This would have normally made me sad, but every time I was with Sawyer, I would feel happy. My mind was clouded in a good way. My worries were gone.

Wait…was I in love with Sawyer? I mean, I do have feelings for him and I did mention that I was falling for him. I thought about it for a minute. He had already told me so much about him. He told me about Jenna and Hannah and he trusted me. This…bond wasn't built upon an attraction. It was built upon trust. Both of us had gone through so much. Sawyer understood how I felt, whereas Josh didn't _want_ to understand. It was decided then- Sawyer was a much better person. The love part would have to wait, but I couldn't deny that I was really attracted to him.

I smiled at myself, feeling out of this world. God, I was so excited. It was like a normal relationship. Not one with a druggie, or your dead boyfriend's best friend, or a super hot British guy that everyone wanted. Sawyer was a normal, selfless, caring guy.

_Ring!_ _Ring!_

Oh god, that scared me. I went over to my desk and looked at my caller I.D.

Noelle.

All the feelings of euphoria were gone and replaced by dread. My heart stopped. My breathing stopped. I felt the world spinning. _Oh God please_, I begged.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't press 'answer'. I simply could not. If I did, I would break down. Our friendship would be ruined. She would hate me. I would officially be labeled as a whore.

I let the phone ring. I let it ring hoping that Noelle would give up. I let it ring knowing that I would break down. I let it ring sparing Noelle's feelings.

It rang again. She was trying to get to me. Noelle obviously needed something. Did she know? Or was it some Billings drama? Did Dash tell her? That would probably explain why she was calling me…

I had to pick up. I had to tell her. The truth may hurt, but she deserved to know. She deserved to know that the idiot Dash didn't want her. I was not going to lie to her. Maybe it would be hard. Maybe she would call me a bitch and threaten to get me out of Billings. But she was human. Noelle needed to know.

When I made my decision, I realized I was too late. I had my phone in hand, and started to pace back and forth. As cowardly as this sound, I didn't want to call her. I didn't want to be the one saying "Hey Noelle! Just thought you should know Dash and I hooked up and he told me that he loved me. So, how's Easton?" I could wait for a couple of minutes.

My phone rang for the third time. I picked it up, not hesitating, knowing that this was the right thing to do.

"Noelle" I said. My heart was beating like crazy.

"Reed, finally you picked up." Her voice sounded distant. I froze. Something was terribly wrong with her. Something was not right. Did she already know?

I gulped. There was an 80 percent chance that she already knew. The rest of the 20 percent was due to fate. Grr…I had to tell her now. No backing down.

"Noelle I…" I started off. I could do this. I really could.

"Don't worry Reed. I know."

Fuck! Fuck Dash! God, he was so stupid. I couldn't help but notice how empty she sounded.

"You know everything? Like how he came to St. Barth's and said…some stuff to me?" I squeaked.

She chuckled darkly. "Yeah. He told me. I know it's not your fault." Oh my God. Thank God she was ok with me.

"Noelle? Are you ok?" My voice was somewhat trembling. _Of course she isn't, Reed._ That was probably the stupidest question I had ever given. Her supposed boyfriend just told her that he and I made out.

All was silent on the other end for a couple of minutes. As the seconds ticked by, my heart would beat faster and the lump in my throat only got bigger.

"You know…I always thought that I could get anything that I wanted. I always thought that I could control everything." She paused. "But now, I'm not so sure. He sounded so…happy. Like he was finally on summer break. He made it sound so casual. He said he was sick and tired of me." I heard her take a deep breath. Oh no, he told her that he didn't want her anymore. That asshole. I felt some tears brimming in my eyes.

"I'm so confused. It was out of the blue. I don't know what to do. I remember the first day I met him, and all I could think was 'He's mine.' That's it. That's all I ever thought ever since that day. And it seemed like he thought of me the same way." This was so heart breaking. Noelle's empty voice just sounded even more distant. I put a hand over my mouth to make sure she wouldn't hear my sobs. Silent tears were falling down.

"Reed? My chest hurts. It's never hurt like this before. I feel like I'm falling." I heard her voice waver for the first time. "I feel like I can't breathe. It seems like a part of me is gone." She inhaled, and I could practically see her holding back her tears. "Nothing makes sense. Oh God, I can't stand it." Her voice cracked and she started to cry.

My heart tore up at this point. She was sobbing so much. I bit on my lip, trying to make sure my tears didn't escape. They were loud. Noelle's tears were piercing me. She poured all her aches and pains out. Oh my, she was so heartbroken. I was so used to her composed way, but this was too much. She was a total train wreck. I pressed my hand even tighter and I felt my nails digging into my skin.

"Reed! I'm so lost!" She hiccupped. "I…Oh God, this hurts…please, where did all this pain come from?"

I lost it. My tears escaped and I couldn't hold it back any longer. Her simple question was what I thought every single day. "Noelle" I started off, "I don't know. I just don't know. I wish I did but I don't." My crying was nothing compared to Noelle's. I felt horrible for her. All her sadness and pain pretty much transferred to me, which was making me cry also. She just lost the love of her life. Noelle was my best friend and seeing her like that this was torture. Stupid Dash just had to come here.

She kept on crying for God knows how long. All I wanted to do was to go to Easton and hold her. I wanted to be there for her. I _needed_ to be there for her.

Despite the fact that we were a thousand or so miles apart, I felt like I was there. Not physically, but emotionally. I'm sure Noelle felt the same way as I did. Because no matter what, I will always be there for her. The good, the bad, the ugly. I had always felt that Noelle was somewhat distant to me, but right now, it didn't feel like that. She trusted me. And I trust her.

Friendship can be a funny thing. Sometimes, they're built upon having moms as friends. Sometimes, they're built upon a common interest. Or maybe they become stronger after a cat-fight. And sometimes, in the face of a crisis, the ones that are with you end up being the truest of true friends.

And I can tell you, for a fact, I've never felt so damn right about my relationship with Noelle than ever.

* * *

thanks for the reviews! love you guys! so...what do you think? sawyer and reed had a kissy scene and noelle and reed had a bonding moment. i really wanted to show the soft side of noelle. a lot of people think shes cold but shes one tough gal, that's all :) and dash is a douche bag. seriously. well, in my story at least...

oh i wanted to thank cutepuppy59 for giving me suggestions. thanks!

review please! and thanks again for those who have reviewed :)


	21. Chapter 21

* * *

Forgotten

I just shut the phone after hearing Noelle cry for about an hour. I felt horrible. I knew exactly how she felt- the hole in the chest, the aching feeling. You're so sure about something then _boom_! It's gone. I tried to comfort her as much as I could, but I knew it was going to take time.

I felt responsible for the whole thing. I felt that I took Dash away from her. It wasn't my fault exactly, but I couldn't help but feel that. If I wasn't so nice or…

_It's not your fault Reed. _

Still, it seemed impossible to shake that feeling.

I slowly went to the bathroom, trying to sink it in. Sawyer came into the room during the time I was talking to Noelle. He noticed my dried tears and my silent composure without even asking what was up. Being the gentleman he was, he left quietly, letting me sort things out. I smiled. He was like the Walt Whittaker, except a buffer, handsomer, cool version, I-don't-speak-like-I'm-from-the-18th-centuary kind of guy. I slowly washed my face, letting the cool water calm my nerves.

I got out from the bathroom and checked the time. It was 12:27. Ok _now_ I was officially starving. I changed my clothes into sweats and headed out the door. I ran down the stairs, my mouth salivating from the smell of the food. I turned around the corner and saw Sawyer sitting all by himself by the counter, with Maria doing some crazy flips with the pancakes on the stove. Sawyer was reading a book; by the looks of it, _The Scarlet Letter_. Interesting.

"Hey" I said. Instantly, Sawyer turned around and gave me a concerned look. I shrugged it off, saying "It's fine. I just felt…bad, that's why..." I wanted to explain more, but Maria was there, staring at us suspiciously. I looked at Sawyer, indicating I would speak to him later; he nodded in agreement. I smiled at Sawyer and sat down next to him. We were sitting kind of close where I could feel his arm sometime brush against mine. I noticed that he was wearing body armor, and it accentuated his perfect abs. I looked at him and blushed, remembering our awesome kiss this morning. He grinned at me and resumed reading his book.

"Here you go, _Senorita_ Reed. I'm sure you enjoy it" said Maria. She gave me a look that said I-know-you-two-have-been-screwing-each-other, all the while raising one eyebrow. I gaped at her, silently trying to tell her that we only kissed. As she left the kitchen, she gave me one last sly smile and turned to leave. When I was sure that Maria was out of ear shot, I turned to Sawyer and said:

"She thinks that we've been screwing each other! We just kissed! I mean, it was a really hot one but like she has no…" I blushed, realizing that I was jabbering. The pancake was still in front of me, but I didn't feel like eating it anymore. Sawyer closed the book and looked at me, a smile forming on his lips.

"Just eat." The way he said it, it was so…seductive. What. The. Hell. How could a human being make "just eat" sound so sexy? Just eat sounds like you're trying to scarf down food like a pig. Man, this guy seriously had some powers over me. Or maybe my imagination was getting to me. Either way, I batted my eyelashes at him and started to eat, obeying his command. He smiled.

We were quiet, but I was aware of Sawyer's penetrating stare. I would occasionally steal glances at him, only to look down, embarrassed. As I continued to eat, Sawyer quietly asked:

"Do you want to talk about it?" I tensed up, not sure if I wanted to. I didn't want to bother him with my problems. I shook my head and said:

"No, its fine. I don't want to bother you with stuff…" I trailed off. In truth, I wanted to tell him, but I was still feeling a little blue. I looked at him sadly. "Feeling a little…sad." Sawyer kept on staring at me, understanding clear in his eyes, making me feel a little squirm-ish. I stuffed the last piece of my pancake and pushed the plate aside. God, he looked so hot right now. I saw Sawyer's eyes narrow and he started to lean in a bit. My heart beat quickened, and I was so ready for him to kiss me.

Instead, he brought his hand over to my thigh, and lightly went over it. I was hyperventilating. With slow, deliberate movements, he went over back and forth, tracing little circles on my thigh. I gulped. I couldn't even think.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" he asked sweetly. His eyes looked hungry, and he rested his hand on my thigh.

"God, how am I supposed to think when you're feeling me up? Not that I object." I couldn't believe I just said that. I brought a hand to my mouth, and tired to stifle the giggle that was threatening to escape. Sawyer only looked at me questionably, but that only started to make me feel hot. His hand that was on my thigh left and he started to make a trail from my thigh, to the side of my stomach, and to my neck. He then traced my collar bone, only to shiver from excitement. The whole time, I was staring straight ahead, eyes closed, letting it all in. Damn, Sawyer was something. He knew how to push my buttons, despite his lack of girl history.

Sawyer then tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. His face was an inch away from mine, and his breath tickled my neck. His hand rested on my shoulder. "I don't mind" he whispered. I propped both of my elbows on the counter and took a deep breath. 99% of me wanted to talk, but the 1% thought maybe not now. I pushed back a little and faced Sawyer. I sighed.

Sawyer's hand left my shoulder and looked at me, telling me it was ok to talk about it. I took a deep breath. "Ok so Noelle called me and said that Dash dumped her. He said that he didn't want to be with her. And you know how Noelle is…she thought she was in control and then it was all gone. So yeah, she's pretty upset. I know how she feels, so I was helping her out." I buried my face in my hands, guilt flooding me. "I know it's my fault. If I didn't…" I trailed off.

Honestly, I didn't know what I did wrong. But everything that Dash said…I couldn't forget that. It was so sweet, whatever he said. He seemed do desperate. It seemed like he was truly in love with me. I pitied Dash. But I was still angry at him for causing Noelle all that pain.

Sawyer took my hand and looked at me. "Hey, it's not your fault. You never know. Maybe it would have been that or something else; maybe it was inevitable." He was right. But still…

"Sawyer, it doesn't matter if it's not my fault; I'm still the cause of it and I'm still in the middle of it. God Noelle was going crazy! It was horrible hearing her cry" I said.

"Wait…Noelle was crying?" He looked excited when he asked that.

"Yeah…why are you all excited about it?" I asked.

He shook his head, trying to suppress a smile that was forming on his lips. "I mean, Noelle _actually_ crying? It's very unheard of." Oh. Now I got it. The smile won and a small laughter broke from his mouth.

I gave an impatient _tisk_. "That's not the problem Sawyer, she's a mess! And why wouldn't she cry?" I asked. He just shrugged, not wanting to continue. I continued to look at him though, trying to force him into confessing that Noelle was hard as steel, and it was a shocker that she was crying. I'm sure a lot of people viewed her as an ice cold bitch. Well, a lot more.

He shook his head. "That's not the point. Come on Reed, you need to relax. It'll take some time for Noelle to get used to it. And knowing her, she'll bounce right back up" assured Sawyer. I smiled at him. He was right. Look at me now! I could say that I'm over Josh. Well, almost. But I was absolutely fine with Sawyer. He was everything.

Sawyer got up. "Come on, let's go."

I cocked an eyebrow. "Where, may I ask?"

"The oasis. _Duh_." I laughed and got up also. As I took Sawyer's hand and he led me through the back door, I couldn't help but think if Sawyer actually had some powers over me. I'm sure he did, because when got to the oasis he pushed me into the lake and threw water at me, I completely forgot all of my worries. Completely. Everything was going to work out just fine.

Everything.

* * *

thanks for the review everyone! love you, as usual :)

eh, didnt really like this chapter. its gonna pick up the pace next chapter, so dont worry! sorry about not being able to update, its just school is retarded and whatnot. and i have no school today so yay! oh, what do you guys think? nothing worth talking about but i'll give you a little teaser: theres gonna be tons and tons of ecstacy in the next chapter. i'm not saying if its literally or figuratively, but you'll have to find out :)

review please! and thanks again for those have reviewed!


	22. Chapter 22

Love Me, Love Me, Love Me

After Sawyer and I got back from the oasis, all dripping wet, Maria went crazy and started to cry in happiness. She then went on to an embarrassing conversation about how we should be "safe." It was completely mortifying.

I was now sitting in my room, reading _Seventeen_. Every two seconds, my mind would drift off and start thinking about Sawyer. Him being shirtless in the water, and oh…

Ok, way to dirty. I can't deny though, it was the most fun I had in a while. My last encounter at the oasis wasn't the best, and this one definitely made up for it. And he was a really good swimmer. I found out that he played water polo at his old school and was one of the best. I smiled, feeling extremely giddy. I turned to my side and checked the time. It was 9:00 at night. Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door. I went to it and saw that it was Sawyer. I put my hands on my hips and said:

"Uh, you're kind of disrupting my alone time…" I couldn't keep a straight face, and I broke out into a small laughter. Sawyer joined in. "Come in" I said, while gesturing him to do so.

Sawyer stood by the door and said:

"Well, I was going to take you somewhere. To help you relax. It'll be fun, trust me" he explained. I raised an eyebrow. He looked at me suggestively and said "Come on. And I haven't been there in a while" he added. His eyes were pleading me that I come along. He changed his clothes, I noticed. He was wearing a dark blue navy collared shirt with a Lacoste logo on it, and a pair of khakis.

I deliberated for a second and I said "Sure. Uh…give me 30 minutes or so" I said. He nodded and I shut the door. _I wonder where he's taking me_, I thought. I went to my closet and tried to find something. I thought about wearing a nice light blue blouse and a black pencil skirt, until I saw the red Louis Vuitton dress that I bought with Sawyer. I smirked. _Perfect. _

I slipped it on with ease and started to do my hair and makeup. I lightly curled my chestnut brown hair, and applied minimal makeup, not including the cherry red lipstick. I looked casual yet sexy. While putting on some black pumps, I smiled stupidly to myself. _Sawyer won't have any idea what hit him._

As I came down the stairs, I saw Sawyer's eyes widen. "Hey" he said while taking out his hand. "You look beautiful" he purred. Yes, purred. I smiled and took it, eager to spend the rest of my night with him. As we stepped out into the night, I never felt so ecstatic. I suddenly recalled thinking that I was going to be super bored with Sawyer, but now it was completely the opposite. I smiled to myself. Surprises, surprises. I always loved them.

***

"What is this place?!" I yelled over the extremely loud music. Shockingly, we were at a club. I couldn't believe Sawyer knew about this place. Sawyer's hand was wrapped around my small waist, making sure I didn't get lost. The place was blaring with European electronic music, and it had all white furniture. It gave a cool, sophisticated look minus the drunken people and the flashing lights.

"It's called Casa Nikki! Cool, isn't?!" said Sawyer. All I did was shake my head. My throat was already hurting from yelling so much. "Come on, let's get some drinks" Sawyer said. He led me to the bar. I bumped into several people; it was so crowded. When we got to the bar, Sawyer ordered a beer for him and vodka for me. We sipped on our drinks, taking in the scene. Suddenly, I wanted to dance. I had the dance fever just by watching people dance. I was getting kind of bored just sitting, and I could barely have a conversation with him without repeating it ten times.

"Let's dance" I said, while dragging Sawyer to the dance floor. His faced looked shocked. I started to laugh from the look on his face.

"But…I'm horrible! Reed, I'll probably break your foot or something" he protested while I dragged ten thousand pounds of muscle.

"Come on" I said teasingly. He pursed his lips, but followed me nonetheless. We were in the middle of the dance floor, drinking in the heat, music, and the booze. I wrapped my thin arms around his neck. Oh poor Sawyer, he looked flat out of place. He wasn't even moving. Fine then, I would have to entice him to do so. I brought both of my arms down to his chest, turned myself around, my back facing him, and wrapped my arms around his neck again. I swayed back and forth, letting the music take over me. My hands made a trail from the nape of his neck to his baby smooth face. I brought his hands around my hips and waist. His hands soon got the idea of what to do; I smirked. I turned around, a devious smile plastered on my face. Sawyer laughed, and gave me a kiss that swept me away. His hands ran down the sides of my body, making me shiver and burn and the same time. This was perfect.

Sawyer eventually got better at the dancing, and every minute or so, he would swoop down and kiss me or my neck and made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. We continued to dance not caring about anything or anyone. This was how St. Barth's was supposed to be. Fun, perfect, and just plain awesome.

After some time, I was beginning to get thirsty. "Hey, I'm gonna go get some drinks!" I yelled to Sawyer. I started to leave when I felt Sawyer yank my hand.

"I'll go with you!"

I shook my head. "No, no! It's fine! I have to go to the bathroom anyway!" I left and headed towards the bar. After receiving many "Watch your step asshole" from people I had bumped into, I finally got out of the dance floor and went to the bar. I was about to order a drink when a pink frothy one was placed in front of me. I looked at it, a little puzzled. I glanced up and saw the bartender with a peculiar look on his face. He was cute, with dark brown, messy hair and a very nice chest.

"It's on the house." He smiled and went to attend the other customers. Was he just flirting with me? I shrugged and looked at it for a couple of seconds, but drank it nonetheless. It was cold and it had the taste of strawberries. It really was good.

I finished my drink, and realized I wanted more. I gestured at my drink to the bartender. "Another one, please" I said. He nodded, and went to make my drink. I looked out to the dance floor. I didn't see Sawyer but I was sure he was having some fun. The lights were blinding me and the music was even louder than before. My head throbbed and I started to feel really thirsty.

"Here you go, ma'am" said the bartender. I took it, grateful for the cool drink. I gulped it down, which was very un-lady like. Oh God, it was getting dizzy and my head hurt like crazy. Too much drinking, I concluded.

I sat there for another minute, taking in the club scene, when I saw a pair of hands to my left. It was strong, tan, and so familiar…

"Please, can't you just leave me alone?" I pleaded. It was Dash. He froze.

"Reed, I just wanted to apologize" began Dash. Him and his dough-y eyes…

"Apologize for what? Dumping Noelle despite the fact that she loves you?" I gave the empty glass to the bartender, indicating him to give me more. Those words sounded mean to me, but for some odd reason, I didn't feel that way. I honestly didn't give a shit. Noelle and Dash's problem wasn't mine.

He sighed. "Can we talk somewhere else?" I took the frothy drink that was placed in front of me and headed out. I was planning to go to the bathroom, but Dash took it the other way. I continued to walk, ignoring him, the lights flashing in front of me, and the music pounding in my ears.

I took a right into a hallway. There was a sheer curtain; as I moved it aside, it was a quiet little room with people sitting, snorting some cocaine, or making out. Ugh. I stood there for a couple of seconds, really wondering where the bathroom was. I was starting to get thirsty all over again. I grabbed a water bottle that was on the table next to me, and chugged it down. Something was really wrong. "Not here" I heard. I forgot that Dash was following me for a couple of minutes. Dash then yanked my arm and dragged me away into another room. Gosh, what was his problem? No one was occupied there and he shut the door behind him. I turned around and faced him. The room was dark and I could faintly hear the music.

"What the hell do you want?" I noticed that Dash looked particularly hot right now, with his collared shirt unbuttoned a little to reveal his chest. He didn't say anything. He looked at me uncertainly. Dash pursed his lips, deep in thought. He then practically ran to me and crushed his lips against mine. No! God really how many times would I have to say this, but what was his problem?

My inner strength wasn't working and saying no wasn't planning to come out from my mouth. He wrapped his strong arms around me and deepened the kiss. I desperately wanted to push him off, but I couldn't. Oh my God, in less than two days, Dash managed to have a make out sessions with me already. The feel of his arms, and his warm lips softened my defense barriers. He buried his face on my neck, giving me strong, passionate yet sloppy kisses. I gasped and he continued to bend me to his will. This was wrong. Oh so wrong. But I couldn't stop. I felt really…I wanted it. It didn't matter who. I felt like it matter _at all_.

Dash then started to unzip my dress and drag me to the couch that was there. I unbuttoned his shirt, and kissed him on the lips. Hot and sweaty…how did we get to this point? Him and his heavy breathing, and me gasping. Really, what was wrong with my mind? But the feel of his warm lips…

For some reason, I felt…exhilaration. It was exciting. One night stands aren't that big of a problem, are they? New Reed doesn't care about rules anymore.

Wait! New Reed is not stupid! New Reed has a goddamn boyfriend! New Reed promised herself that she wouldn't let anyone get to her! She also promised her best friend she would never hurt her again!

Oh God, I felt disgusting. One minute I was excited, the next all pissed off. Goodness, he looked gross. Dash was groaning and it was such a turn off. He somehow managed to take my dress off all the way and I unknowingly unzipped his pants. So gross, so gross…how do I get out of this?

I pushed him off as hard as I could, a wave of dizziness sweeping through me. "Get the fuck off of me!" I half yelled, half slurred. I was a stupid, drunk girl Dash was taking advantage of. He tumbled over the side of the couch, fell to the floor, shock written all over his face.

"What the hell?" he stood there, half naked and his pants unzipped. Oh my God, _it_ was practically bulg-...ew. I got up as fast as I could before Dash closed the distance between us. I stumbled my way over to my dress, tripping twice. As I tried to put on my dress, I heard Dash say "Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you? You have the biggest mood swings I have ever seen! Fuck" scoffed Dash. I wasn't paying attention. Something was terribly wrong with me. I felt so…_horny_ about a minute ago, and now I felt scared stiff and disgusted. Shaking, I zipped my dress all the way and turned to Dash.

"This is wrong…no, no, no…" My head was hurting like crazy. I couldn't think straight. Oh no, what if Sawyer found us again? What about Noelle? I turned to the door, making sure no one was there. Paranoia surrounded me. "I hashe you!" I slurred. I sounded like an idiot. Crap, I bet Sawyer was wondering where I was at. My eyes started to brim with tears, knowing that I hurt him like crazy, not to mention Noelle. What was wrong with me?

"Reed, are you ok?" Dash put his shirt on all the way and his pants were zipped. I realized I was crying. I was so scared. I knew I screwed everything up. He really did look concerned and guilty. I stood there, not knowing what to do. He came towards me, but I ran out of the door before he could get to me.

Fresh air welcomed me. I took it in, grateful for it. The hallway was dark, and the only source of light came from the distant dance floor and some of the dim hallway lights. I stumbled several times to get out of the hallway, only to be thrust in another one. If I thought the last one was dark, this was much darker. My heart started to pound faster and I became scared. Where was I? Why couldn't I find Sawyer? I was getting desperate at this point, pushing the people in my way, not caring where I went as long I was out of this hell hole.

My head was hurting a lot more, and I kept looking over my shoulder for some reason. A wave of nausea came through me. I couldn't take it anymore! I felt so guilty! How could I have done that! How many more times was I going to almost sleep with Dash? I stopped; the tears that were threatening to fall finally fell. I cowered behind a wall and wrapped my arms around my arms. I hated the fact that I repeated the mistakes over and over again. Almost sleeping with Dash, running my relationship with Noelle…I was sick of everything. Three attempted murders. God, this was too much. This cycle was never going to stop. It was always reawakened by something and it would always find a way to destroy me. Now that I thought about it…I…I wished that Arianna or Sabine finished their job. If I had known coming to Easton meant going through everything I went through for the past year, I would have never come. I wanted all this pain to be gone. Every time I found happiness or some normalcy, it was taken by my stupid mistakes or some crazy person. I sat there, crying my agony out, not knowing what the hell I should do.

"I can help you with that, you know."

I froze and looked up. The voice, so cold, the blonde hair, and the icy blue eyes…

It was Arianna.

* * *

thanks for the review guys! so, what do you think? ok, i kinda lied about the "tons and tons" of drama, but there will be more next chapter :) i made it kind of like the legacy incident, but not really? again, tell me what you think. oh and btw, casa nikki is actually real. yep, i do my research so i can get it right. and the gustavia harbor? thats real too.

i am so sorry for not updating for 2 weeks! i really did try as much as i could but last weekend was so busy and this whole week i had a lot of homework to do.

i'm thinking about doing scandal next, but i've yet to read it. and to supersammy95: i'm def. considering it but like i said, i gotta read suspicion first. or i could just start...hmm... and i'm thinking about ending suspicion soon cuz i'm running out of ideas. ideas would be appreciated or i'll just go the course i'm thinking about going.

reviews please!


	23. Chapter 23

High School Reunion

I screamed. I cried and screamed and tried to run, but she pinned me against the wall and brought a knife to my neck.

"You little bitch" she spat on my face. The knife hurt, and I knew for a fact some blood was coming out. Pure anger was plastered on her face, but there was also mockery and amusement. I was petrified. I couldn't move. My tears fell down silently. I thought about my family, mom and dad, and Scott. I thought about Noelle, Josh, Sawyer, Ivy, and all of my friends. She finally got to me. Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I should just let her do it. Her ice cold eyes pierced me and it made me feel weak and vulnerable.

She smiled. "You think that you can run away from me, can't you? You think that by being Noelle's posse you get a free pass to anything? Oh no, no sweetie" Arianna smiled cunningly. "You're in my _mercy_, you idiot. And now, you can't run. No Noelle to save you, no cops to take me away and…" she smirked.

"You know, when I first saw you, I felt really bad. You were just this girl, in a brand new place, not sure what to do. You seemed like a little naïve girl. But I was so" she jabbed the knife even deeper in my skin, "so, wrong. All the time I was in that wretched place…" she shuddered theatrically. "All I could think about was how I was going to kill you. Hearing you scream, watching your body go stiff…" Arianna inhaled, and smiled. "I. Simply. Cannot. Wait." Her steel blue eyes glared at me, and I felt my body collapse. This was it. I wondered if this was the part I would start saying prayers and hoping that God would forgive me. But something in me snapped. Something in me told me to move. It told me to run so I could live. Arianna shouldn't be the one to finish my off, even if I wanted all my misery to end.

So I ran. I pushed her aside as hard as I could, tears falling, and crying out in despair. No, no, no she could not get to me. She never will. As I ran away from her, I remembered that she was wearing the same clothes as she did when she got arrested. And she looked so fresh, as if she was never in a mental hospital. And her eyes, they were like tiny daggers.

I stopped running. Where was I? Was she gone yet? I still heard the music, but I felt like I hadn't left the hallway where Arianna was at all. It was the same, I noticed. There were a couple of hallway lights dimly on, and the hallway tables were the same. And my neck. It didn't throb with pain as I thought it would. Shaking, I brought my hand up and felt my neck to see if there was any blood. There wasn't. Wait, I just ran my ass off. How could I be in the same place?! And how come there wasn't any blood on my neck?!

"Hello Reed."

No! What was _she_ doing here also?! She came towards me, her green eyes hungry for revenge. I cowered on the wall. "Miss your old roomie?" she asked tauntingly. Fuck Sabine. I was frozen again. How did they leave from their mental hospitals? How did they know I was in St. Barth's? Just a minute ago, I could've sworn Arianna was going to kill me with that knife. And I also could've sworn I was bleeding. Oh, this was too much. And Sabine; why was she here if Arianna was going to finish me off? Having two crazy sisters trying to kill me at once was making me go insane.

"I…I hate you! Get away from me!" I screamed. I tried to run again, but Sabine shoved me back against the wall, and kicked me in the stomach. I fell over, clutching my midsection. It hurt so bad; why did her knees have to be so bony? I bit my lip, feeling the blood oozing out, trying not to scream out loud.

"You like that don't you, you slut? Do you want me to continue?" she asked. Mockery was written all over her face, and her eyes danced with amusement. I looked up at her, pleading for her to stop. Sabine smiled and kicked me on the side of my body. I yelped in pain, crying even more.

"Please, just stop" I said through the thickness of my tears and suffering. I was fully on the ground now, gasping in pain. "Please."

Her foot was raised again ready for another attack when she stopped mid air. Shock went through her, and her eyes got all innocent looking. "Reed Brennen is asking for _me_ to stop? Oh my God! I never thought I would get to see this day! Reed Brennen is in my mercy!" she exclaimed, in sheer ecstasy. Sabine clapped her hands, started to laugh, and looked down at me, helpless. Her eyes were sparkling; she leaned down at me, yanked me off the ground, and shoved me back against the wall. I cried out in misery, my ribs aching. She started to twist my left arm in a horrible fashion causing me to scream a bloody murder. I wanted her to end this. This was too much. I prayed to God to let this end quick and fast. I was aware of Arianna coming around the corner, joining her crazy sister. The two psychotic devils began to beat me incessantly. Their laughter was like devilish musical chimes; lovely yet deadly. It hurt so much. They were finally getting their revenge. And I was finally letting them get to me.

One kick followed by two…

A slap in the face...

I could feel the blood pouring out from my veins through Arianna's knife…

Silence.

Absolute silence. I didn't feel two pair of hands beating me. They were gone. I was conscious of the music and the dark hallway; the same exact hallway I thought I ran away from. My ribs didn't hurt. The places where Arianna cut me didn't hurt. No! I was absolutely sure that they were going to finish me off! I knew for a fact that my arms were cut open and that I was bleeding! I checked both of my forearms, and saw smooth skin. What…what was going on?

I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I was hyperventilating. Something was terribly wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. I could swear to God that Arianna, and Sabine were going to kill me. I checked my body everywhere, looking for cuts, bruises, and broken bones. Nothing. I stood there, flabbergasted by this new problem. I buried my hands through my face, trying to stifle the scream threatening to escape.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. I screamed in fury and frustration. I went over to the hallway table, and chucked the glass vase at the wall. I knocked the table down, trying to let my anger out. Tears of aggravation poured down, and I screamed even louder. Thank God no one was in the hallway. I then kicked the table one, two, three times, making my feet hurt even more. I fell to the floor, crying hysterically. Why me? Why only me? Why did people have to choose me, the low life Farm Girl, to be picked on? To be tortured and stalked and thrown in desolation for eternity? I don't know how long I screamed and kicked the table. I was angry and flat out upset. Maybe I should just do it myself. God, this was excruciating.

"Honey, no. Don't think like that."

A pair of thin arms wrapped me. They were warm, and they held me tight. My crying stopped. The perfume smelled so familiar…Who was this person? Why were they comforting a random person? I turned my head to the side and saw long, blonde hair. My heart pounded. Wasn't she supposed to be dead? Wasn't she supposed to be on the other side of the world? I saw her! I saw her lying on the floor, dead! How could this be?

Cheyenne moved the sticky hair stuck on my face and hugged me tighter. I had no idea as to what to do. This was absurd. First, Arianna and Sabine almost killed me; now, Cheyenne was here. Whatever was going on- _whoever_ was doing this to me- was doing a good job of making me go insane. I couldn't speak. I wasn't able to move. Did she hate me? Was she here to make me go crazy? Or was she here to help me?

I noticed that the hallway didn't seem that dark anymore. I was just aware of Cheyenne and I.

"Silly Reed. I'm not _that_ mean" she chuckled. What did she say? Was she reading my mind? How did she know? Despite my situation, I felt guilty for thinking that way. Cheyenne let go of me and turned around to face me. She looked beautiful. Everything that plagued her from her last life was removed from her face. She didn't seem like a bitchy, controlling Cheyenne that everyone knew. She was a new born baby; an angel.

Her striking blue eyes looked into mine, and she shook me by the shoulders. "Reed, don't give up! Don't you dare! I died because I had to die and you live because you have to! Really Reed, what were you thinking?!" I was still in shock. I couldn't thing straight. But…why was she forcing me to live? I was tired of all this bullshit. Suddenly, I began to recall the "meeting" with Thomas when I was knocked out. He said the exact same thing as Cheyenne was just saying. My eyes bored into Cheyenne's and she smiled. Maybe she was right. Maybe in the end, this would all be worth it. I decided that I was going to get up for her sake; she obviously took great pains to visit me. She smelled an easy victory.

I smiled sadly back. "Come on Reed, let's get you up" she said while standing up. She was wearing a beautiful white dress; it swayed back and forth as if the wind was moving it. Heaven suited Cheyenne. She took out her hand, smiling wide. I looked up at her. I wanted to say so much…

I grasped her hand and stood up. I felt rejuvenated. "Cheyenne…" I managed to choke out. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry for everything.

She shook her head, and looked at me sternly. "Don't" she simply said. Cheyenne smiled sadly, turned around and left. I was confused. Don't what? Don't apologize? Don't feel sorry for myself? I turned around and tried to call her out and say something, but she was already gone. It was as if she wasn't there at all.

My head hurt like crazy. A blast of cold air surrounded me, waking me up. I shook my head, trying to get rid of the past events that just happened to me; I didn't understand it one bit. I looked around, looking for any sign of humanity or anything that would tell me that I was finally out of my personal hell. But I didn't. No human being, just the same old dark hallway. I stumbled my way out of the hallway, trying my best to leave. I was shaking from fear. What if Arianna and Sabine found me again? Would they finally finish their job?

_Reed! Don't go crazy now! Don't worry, you'll be fine._

I wish that was true.

After everything I just experienced, I realized I was hallucinating. I knew I was hallucinating because Cheyenne was dead. Also, the fact that I was still alive despite Arianna and Sabine's crazy beatings showed that I was also hallucinating or God took pity in me and saved me. How did I get myself in this? Was I on drugs? Did someone slip it in my drink? Was it my stalker?! Were they here? Oh God, how weird could this get?

I continued to walk drunk and shaken by what just happened. The music got louder and I began to see people at the end of the hallway. I was free! I could now find Sawyer and go to sleep and have him comfort me. I half ran, half walked, eager to leave.

Finally, I got out and bumped into several people at once. I can tell you that I had never been happier to see drunken people than that moment. I was back! I was back to reality! I sighed in relief. I closed my eyes, ready to find Sawyer and explain to him what just happened. The lights were blinding me but I didn't care. I had to find Sawyer now.

My hallucinations were going to have to wait, however. Because when I looked up, I saw Thomas standing about 50 yards away, staring at me above the sea of heads, silent and brooding. Thomas was wearing a black collared shirt and black blazer, giving him a drapper look. Even in my hallucinations, he still knew how to dress. His face looked solemn and he had an urgent plea covering his eyes. Why was he looking like that? Slowly, he brought his hand up, curled his index finger, and gestured that I followed him. I swallowed and followed him, knowing that whatever he was planning to do was for my benefit.

He turned around and started to walk, me tailing behind. I ran as fast as I could, bumping into several people, not caring if they tumbled over or dropped their drinks. Thomas picked up the pace, and sometimes I would lose him, only to see his dark mane of hair pop back up. It got hotter and hotter and I felt like I was suffocating. I blinked several times, trying to keep my focus. Finally, he led me to a remote corner of the club. It was dark, only with a few people. I wanted to ask why Thomas brought me here; I hoped he didn't dissipate into the air by the time I did. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Thomas. I turned around, confused as to why he brought me here, but also happy. He smiled at me sadly and stroked my cheek with his soft fingers. I shivered; it felt alien. He smiled again and turned to leave. I wanted to say something him, but I only saw Thomas walking away in a sea of people. I had already seen two dead people in less than ten minutes; this was so weird. I shook my head. That wasn't the point. Why _did_ he leave me here? I started to walk forward towards a door, lights forming a screen over my eyes, the music making my heart beat faster, when I heard a small gasp.

I quickly turned around and saw a girl, her back facing me, with blonde hair.

_Poppy._

She had already started to run away from me and was a good 20 yards in front of me. No! I had to get her now! That bitch was going to pay! I was going to kill her! I ran as fast as I could, but for some reason, I couldn't catch up with her. I pushed people aside, intent on getting Poppy and making her pay. I was driven with my wrath. I ran and ran, my breathing not giving up once. The "beatings" that I had received from Arianna and Sabine pushed me over the edge. The music heightened my ability to run even faster, and the fast beats brought forth the rage even more.

I kept running for God knows how long, but I couldn't catch her at all. She flitted in between people, and for a few seconds I would lose her until she reappeared again. Her long blonde hair moved back and forth; it looked beautiful except the fact that Poppy was a goddamn devil's apprentice and she tried to kill me.

Suddenly I heard a distant "Reed!" Wait, was it Sawyer? "Reed! Come back!" His voice sounded even closer. I couldn't talk to him right now. I had to get Poppy. Sawyer could wait; I would have to explain later. I kept running, ignoring Sawyer. _Come to mama, Poppy._ I looked back and saw Sawyer gaining speed and catching up to me. He looked haggard and distressed. I felt guilty for leaving him in the first place. Ignoring that, I turned back around to find Poppy when I realized she was gone. I stood in my tracks, frustrated. She was here a minute ago! I had her! Dammit!

As I stood there, looking for an alternative route, I felt someone grab my hair and bang it against the wall. I yelped with pain and fell to the ground. Not again! My head throbbed and I felt extremely dizzy. I then saw a foot with exceptionally high heels getting ready to bash me on the head again. They hit me hard; this time, I knew that I wasn't hallucinating. I saw little black dots surround my pupils. No! I had her! I had to get up now! She couldn't! I…

Before I stepped into the depths on unconsciousness, I vaguely saw the girl with the blonde hair; not the face, but yet again, the back which helped me oh so much. I was sure it was Poppy; there was no doubt about it. But…there was someone else with her! There definitely was someone else with Poppy! As the two girls began to walk away, one turned around and looked at me. I managed to lift my head up and get a small glimpse of her. The place was dark, so I couldn't discern what she looked like, but I saw her lips form an "I'm sorry." And with that, as if nothing happened, they were gone.

* * *

thanks for the reviews everyone! you guys were awesome. the suggestions were great. i kinda put some of them in here, so i hope you guys are somewhat happy. anway, what do you think? pretty weird? like the whole cheyenne part in it? i'm really bad when it comes to write beating up scenes lol. again, tell me what you think

i guess i can tell you guys that i'm planning, for sure, about writing paradise lost/scandal in josh pov. it wont be super long but i guess we all want to know what was going inside his head. i havent started yet, but i've got a few ideas :) and i'm planning to write scandal too, but i gotta go get it.

reviews please! and thanks again for those who have!


	24. Chapter 24

Uncertain

I was remotely aware of someone stroking my hand. It was soft and warm. I was also aware of the fact that I was lying down, and I had probably been there for a very long time. There was a distant beeping in the background. Why was there beeping in the back ground? But for now, that was going to have to wait. I just wanted to sleep…

My eyes slowly opened after what felt like I was asleep for more than ten days. I felt heavy and drained. I opened my heavy lids, only to find out that I was staring at a boring, white ceiling and it smelled like old people. I was in a hospital. Great. I turned my head to the side and saw that it was light outside. Not only that, a sleeping Sawyer was next to me, his head resting on my bed and his hand securely wrapped around mine. My heart went out to him. I wondered how long he was waiting for me to wake up.

Suddenly, the events of the past night came up. I remembered meeting up with Dash and almost- for the third time- sleeping with him. Not only that, I managed to hallucinate about Arianna, Sabine, Cheyenne and Thomas all in the same night. But why was I in a hospital?

A memory flashed through my eyes. I remembered the two girls, and one of them bashing their foot on my head and the other mouthing and "I'm sorry." The hell they should be! They tried to kill me! I was going to make them pay.

I was fully awake now, and my anger only helped that. I moved a little, and I saw Sawyer lift his head up. He looked dead tired and flat out distressed. Instantly, I felt guilty for even leaving him to get a drink. "Hey" he whispered. My insides melted. He truly cared about me. Not only that, this was the second time he saved me. He wrapped his hand tighter around mine. Oddly enough, this reminded me of when I was saved after I was pushed off the boat. Sawyer saved me then, and he saved me now. I really was in his debt.

"Hey" I whispered back. Sawyer's agony filled eyes were somewhat gone now, but he still looked stressed. I wish I could take the pain away from him.

"How do you feel?" he asked lovingly. He brushed the hair around my face with his smooth fingers and stroked my cheek. I lost my train of thought just by looking at his gorgeous eyes.

I inhaled. "Fine…why am I in a hospital? And what time is it?"I tried to look for a clock, but I couldn't find one.

"Uh…it's 3:17 in the afternoon." Oh God, it was three in the afternoon. And what was that annoying itching sensation on my scalp? I ran my hand through my face and hair, trying to spot where that itchiness was coming from. I gasped when I felt string in my hair. I had stitches! Ugh. And then ran my finger over my eyebrows and felt some there. Shit! I probably looked like Frankenstein right now, with my stitches over my eyebrows.

Sawyer noticed my expression. "Do you remember anything?" he asked.

"Yeah. I mean, I went to get some drinks and go to the bathroom…" and then I got hot and heavy with Dash (I was definitely not going to mention that), "…then something really weird happened" I finished. Sawyer was looking at me attentively. His hand squeezed around mine even tighter. "Ok I know this will sound strange but…" I looked down, trying to remember exactly what happened. "I…saw Arianna and Sabine. And I could've sworn they were going to kill me" I stopped there. He probably didn't know who they were.

"You know who they are, right?" I asked. I didn't want to explain everything to Sawyer. He nodded.

"I remember Arianna from Daniel and Sabine was her sister, right?" I nodded glad I didn't have to explain everything all over again.

"Anyway, so…I saw them coming at me. And they started to beat me really hard; it felt so real. And then…they were gone! I mean, the whole time I thought that they escaped prison just to get me, it was going to end right then and there, and I felt like giving up…" I exclaimed. "It was so weird. It was surreal. I didn't know what to think. Then I saw…" I lump began to form in my throat, "I saw Cheyenne" I barely whispered. Some tears started to form around my eyes. I started to remember what she told me. I remembered that she said I had to live no matter what. I looked over at Sawyer and he had a puzzled expression on his face. "Sabine…killed her while we were at Easton." He nodded all the while brushing away a few tears that escaped.

"So, she gave me words of encouragement. The whole time I was like 'What the hell is she doing here? Isn't she supposed to be dead?' you know? By then, I figured something was really wrong and I was imagining things." I took a deep breath. "I was so scared. I don't know how long I walked, trying to get out of the dark hallways when I finally, finally got to see light." I frowned, remembering Thomas but not getting to talk to him.

"And _then_, I saw Thomas. Arianna killed him, by the way" I clarified for Sawyer. "So he led me through the club; I had no idea where he was taking me. Finally, he took me to the corner of the club. I was totally confused and out of it but then I saw…" my forehead got in the thinking/wrinkly position, and I tried to remember exactly. "I saw two girls. I started chasing one but then I lost her. I think by that time you had already seen me." I looked up at Sawyer and he shook his head in yes. I was so glad Sawyer was a good listener; imagine if Noelle was here.

"Well, I really wanted to get that girl, but then another one came by and she pushed me against the wall, and she gave me this" I said while pointing at my stitches. I swallowed. "And that's it" I finished. I hadn't realized I was clutching Sawyer's hand pretty tight.

He let out an exasperated sigh. "Well, that explains a lot" he said. "God I was going crazy. You were gone forever and that place was so crowded! It reminded me of…" he trailed off. "Well, I saw you on the floor and you looked horrible. You were unconscious. And you were like burning up like crazy! Your temperature was about 106 degrees. I rushed you to the hospital; you obviously needed help. Reed" he grasped both of my hands and leaned down, "the doctors found some drugs in your system. So maybe that's why you were imagining things" he explained. "And all the 'beatings' that you got from Arianna and Sabine? I don't think that happened. The doctors found nothing except the gash on your head."

Oh my God. This was insane. My head couldn't wrap around what had happened. Suddenly, I remembered the bartender giving me a random pink drink. The bartender! The fucking bartender! He was the one that gave me the drink. Why was I so stupid! My stalker, well Poppy (I think) probably told him to put it in my drink. Not only that, I was sure that I didn't imagine the two girls, one of them being Poppy, may I say. As I thought about it, I didn't really have any solid evidence that Poppy was my stalker, but she was my best guess.

"What was in my system?" I asked. I truly was curious.

"Uh…some roofie and ecstasy. It's a really bad combination; when you have ecstasy in your system, your brain can fry. That's why you need to drink plenty of water." I suddenly recalled being very thirsty. "And roofie…well having anything in your system is pretty bad" explained Sawyer.

The roofie probably explained why I was feeling really slutty around Dash, and the ecstasy was the reason why I was hallucinating. I noted that my stalker probably took some notes from Sabine; after all, ecstasy was her specialty. "Holy shit! Gosh…what if I had a really bad reaction or something? Why do people hate me?" I was so frustrated. Really, what did I have that made people wanted to kill me or the ones that I love?

"Reed, no one hates you. At least, not me" he said while smiling at me.

I smiled back at him, feeling all fuzzy. "I know." Sawyer leaned in and gave me a kiss, so full of yearning and love that my heart exploded; if not my heart, then probably my stitches.

He pulled back and stroked my hair. "You'll be alright Reed. Really. I'm here now, and you don't have to worry" promised Sawyer. As much as I wanted to believe that, I couldn't. This was getting scary. My stalker went to great lengths to give me hell. I could've died. This was getting out of hand.

I was absolutely positive about three things. First, I had two people after me. Second, my stalker wasn't going to stop until I was done breathing. Third, I was going to make them pay.

Really pay.

* * *

what do you think? ok, so this has slowed down a bit considering the last 2 were a bit fast paced. i wanted to clarify something from the last chapter: in one of the paragraphs, i think towards the end, i wrote "my hallucinations were going to have to wait, however." what i really meant was "my hallucinations weren't done yet, however." i changed it but something happened and it didnt work out. that threw me off when i was re-reading it and i was like what?

i hope this chapter clarifies for some of you. i noticed a couple of people said they were confused, but writing about hallucinations was harder than i thought. not only that, listening to lucy in the sky with diamonds (which happens sounds like the beatles were high when they wrote that) when i was writing the last chapter is not a good combo.

i have a few thigs cooking, but it'll take some time. while you're waiting, i started to write another story called "love will tear us apart again: josh pov." so all you josh fans, check it out! it explains his feelings for ivy and reed and why he's still with her at the end of suspicion.

reviews please! and thanks again for those who have :)


	25. Chapter 25

Escape the Nest

I spent another day in the hospital. The same doctor that helped me when I first appeared in the St. Barth's hospital was reluctant to let me go, but agreed in the end. I really was getting sick and tired of going to the hospital. Not only that, Sawyer and I were supposed to leave St. Barth's in about a week or so, finally returning to school. I was extremely happy, but that meant that my stalkers were still out there. And no way in hell were they going to be left alone.

"So, you told no one, right?" I asked Sawyer in the parking lot. I secretly prayed that he didn't, knowing all too well that they were going to scream and come to St. Barth's.

"No" he said, while opening the door for me. I sat down on the cool, comfortable seats waiting for Sawyer to get in also. "I figured they would go all psycho on me. Besides, you were fine- sort of." He smiled sheepishly in my direction. I smiled back at our little inside joke and we headed off.

The car ride was silent; I was thankful for that, for I had a lot of things to think about. For an example, what did my stalker have against me? And who were the two girls? My best guess were either Poppy and Paige, or Poppy and Sienna (see how Poppy is in both of them?). All three of them hated me for dating Upton, so it was only natural. But I had broken up with Upton a long time ago. If the two girls really did hate me because of Upton, I'm sure they knew by now that he was no longer mine. So why the vendetta?

Girls. Such complicated little creatures…

I heard a little beeping coming from my pockets. Why…oh. It was my cell phone. As I looked in my inbox, I saw that I had fifteen text messages (mostly from Noelle, Constance, and shockingly my brother Scott) and one voicemail. I looked at the number that called me, but I couldn't identify it. Who was it? I saw that they called twice, but apparently either Sawyer picked it up or the person stopped calling the first time they called.

"Hey, did someone call?" I asked. I frowned, wondering who this person was. I hoped that it wasn't my stalker. If it was…

"Um…" his brow furrowed. "Yeah. This girl…her name was Ivy. She said she wanted to talk to you. She also said she knows you from school" explained Sawyer. He stole a quick glance at me. "Hey, are you ok?"

No, I wasn't. That bitch was the one who tore Josh and I apart. Well, it really wasn't her fault, but she was a factor. And why would she want to talk to me? After I found the video or her and Josh kissing, all my nice little feelings for her vanished. So no, I wasn't going to talk to her, even if she called.

But why was I mad at Ivy? I mean, Josh was the one who picked her. He was the one who went out with her right after we broke up. So…

Ugh, this wasn't making any sense. Maybe I should call her. Just to find out. Just to be sure; I didn't know why I wanted to make sure of something, but I had an aching feeling to do so. So, putting all prejudices aside, I was going to call her back.

I forgot that Sawyer asked how I was, and was probably wondering why I was looking a certain way. I faced him and gave my most genuine smile and said "I'm fine." Satisfied, he faced the road again and continued driving.

We got to his house about ten minutes later. Right when we pulled onto the driveway, Maria burst through the big wood doors and came sprinting towards me. "Senorita Reed! _Carumba_! I so worried! Oh, I hope you ok!" exclaimed Maria. She gave me a motherly hug; it felt extremely nice. I was touched. I barely talked to her, and yet, she was so worried for me. I was definitely going to get her a present before I left.

I pulled back and said "Thank you, Maria. Trust me when I say this, I'm fine. No need to be worried." It was true. This lady had a special place in my heart. She hugged me again, sheer joy apparent on her expression.

"I _muy, muy_ glad you back, Reed" said Maria truthfully.

I smiled and said "I'm starving" knowing all too well that was going to make Maria very happy. Maria's eyes got all wide and she started to jump up and down all over again.

She laughed. "_Claro que si!_ Come in, come in" she said, while gesturing for Sawyer and I to get inside. I glanced at Sawyer and smiled. I really couldn't wait to eat what Maria made for us. We got inside Sawyer's gigantic house, eager to relax and let loose. I breathed in the air, glad that I was back.

As all three of us adjusted, I said "I'm gonna go to my room and take a quick shower." The two nodded and headed towards the kitchen, while I went up the stairs to clean off and maybe, just maybe, talk to Ivy. I walked into my room oh so glad I was no longer at the dreaded hospital room. I sat down on my bed, taking a deep breath. What should I do? Should I call her? Why was I even bothering in the first place?

Whatever. I wasn't friends with her or something like that, so it didn't really matter. It was just going to be a quick chat. A quick hello, how are you, why did you call, and that's it. I took a deep breath, and called back on the number Ivy had called me on.

It rang about four times before she picked up. "Hello?" her voice sounded a little breathless. Oh no, was she doing very naughty things with…someone? A lump formed around my throat, but I pushed it aside.

"Hey Ivy, it's me, Reed. Um…I think you called, but I wasn't able to call back. I was doing something…" Crap. I was jabbering; I stopped myself before I said anything stupid. "Was I bothering you?" I asked. Like I cared. I was still mad at her, but not as much.

"Oh no, no you're fine" she said politely. Thankfully, I didn't hear anyone in the background. Or maybe the person (or Josh) was doing a good job at being silent. A couple of seconds of silence swept through us. I really had no idea as to why I called her.

"So…" I started off, trying to break the awkward silence.

"Reed?" asked Ivy quietly.

"Yes Ivy?" _Please don't spend another three minutes getting your thoughts straight_, I prayed.

She took a deep breath. Here goes…"I…look, Josh-I mean, I heard about the video that was sent to you. And I'm so sorry. I really am. It's just…where do I begin…when he came back from St. Barth's he was…acting weird; but still normal. I thought we were still together, and when he came back, he didn't even say a word about his trip. I went along with it. And then one day, he came to me all upset. Josh told me everything. He told me that you and he got together in St. Barth's. He begged to be forgiven. He said…he said he loved us both. God, he was really screwed, and the only thing I could do was be there for him. I was really upset. How could he, you know? But I…

"But Reed? Don't get mad at me, ok? I need you to understand. I…really, really care about Josh, despite all he did in desperation. And I know you aren't together…and he never really broke up with me. So we kind of continued our relationship? But this…was so wrong. I wanted-needed- to ask you permission if I could…be with him? Like really, really be with him with no drama? Would it be ok with you? I know I ruined your relationship with Josh, and I'm sorry. But you're like a friend to me, and I can't be with Josh without getting your consent."

The whole time, my heart wasn't moving and I was certain that I wasn't breathing. In a span of two minutes, Ivy told me that she loved Josh, Josh apparently was a confused, cheating asshole, and she wanted to ask if it was ok if she and Josh could still be together. I didn't know what to say. I didn't expect to hear whatever Ivy just said. And I certainly didn't expect a wave of crazy emotions to come forward my way.

But you know what? It was ok. I had Sawyer, and Ivy had Josh. Josh was no longer my problem, right? He was totally Ivy's. And I'm sure that when I would come back to school, I wouldn't tremble and be weak at the sight of Josh. Yes. It was official. No Josh.

"Ivy…it's ok. Really. It was extremely caring of you to call me, but he's all yours." My voice sounded flat. Why though?

"Really?" I could practically see her smiling through the phone. "Thank you so much Reed. This means a lot. I don't know what to say…" she trailed off.

"You don't have to say anything." I quickly realized it sounded pretty mean. "Seriously, it's ok and just…just be happy."

"Thanks" said Ivy breathlessly. "Hey, I gotta go. Um…I guess I'll see you at school?" I was pretty sure I heard the door open; she was probably running back to Josh right now.

"Yeah. See ya Ivy" I said. When was this conversation going to be over?

"Bye Reed" she said sweetly. Sweetly. Crap, Ivy was growing on me. I shut the phone after that, trying to sink it in. So it was over. Really over. I just told Ivy she was allowed to date Josh. And apparently, Josh loved us both but he obviously couldn't take care of those feelings. Not only that, when I was waiting for Josh to get this thoughts straight, he _still_ hadn't broken up with Ivy yet. What a messy, messy love triangle… But like I mentioned before, none of that mattered. I had Sawyer. He was perfect, caring, sweet, and he understood a lot about me. Everything was alright.

So why did I feel like a whole was just punched through my chest?

* * *

**so yeah...i decided to go bold this time. i'm not sure why though...**

**anywho guys, new chapter. what do you think? thanks for the reviews everyone...no one...lol. anyway, i'll be ending soon and i finally got my own copy of suspicion. it was good, despite the fact that i spoiled the surprise all by myself. but i still cant believe how close i was! like how sawyer's sister killed herself, and i think i've mentioned some of this stuff before? whatever. you get the idea.**

**i plan to do scandal next but i gotta get this done first. again, tell me what you think. not just the chapter, but the story as a whole? i have some ideas, but i need to fill in the gaps. they would be greatly appreciated.**

**reviews please! :)**


	26. Chapter 26

Pessimistic 

Four more days, and I was finally out of this place. Finally out of "paradise", otherwise known as hell. I couldn't wait. I was getting restless. Every waking moment was spent on packing my clothes, making sure everything was ready to go. I was so glad I was finally getting out of this hell hole. Ironically, St. Barth's was the epitome of elegance and what the Caribbean should be. Well, let's just say it doesn't hold the same meaning for me.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked Sawyer, all the while tugging my arm and dragging me inside his room as I came around the corner, planning to go inside my room. I started to giggle and I let him take me inside. I shut the door behind me and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"I _was_ planning to pack, but now that we're here…" I whispered seductively. I raised an eyebrow and look at his luscious lips. Yum, I wanted them so bad. Very bad. He looked immensely hot right now, with his collared shirt a little bit unbuttoned. His hair was in a tousled mess, making him look oh so fine.

"What do you mean, packing? You've been packing non-stop. I think you need a break." Sawyer leaned down, looking at me straight in the eye. My heart was beating frantically and I melted just by looking at his eyes. He stopped right before my lips before he went down to the corner of my jaw and kissed me there. I giggled, but somewhat disappointed; I wanted him to kiss me on the lips.

He continued to trail kisses on my neck; it tickled every time he did that. He was teasing me and I liked it, to an extent. Sawyer then unclasped my hands from the nape of his neck and brought them up. He then made hand cuffs with his hands and wrapped them around mine. "Uh oh, are you holding me captive?" I asked innocently.

Sawyer stopped kissing me and said "Depends." I looked at his lips, a devious smile forming on my lips, intent on making him mine. Instead, he lifted me up and threw me over his shoulder. I yelped and started to laugh at the same time.

"What do you think you're doing?! You're supposed to treat a lady with respect!" I practically yelled. He was carrying me as if I weighed two pounds instead of the 117 I actually weighed. He gently laid me down on his bed, and I sighed. I laughed again, because I suddenly remembered thinking that Sawyer never had any experience at all or maybe he was…gay.

He gave me an amused, mock expression of hurt. "I would never disrespect you Ms. Reed Brennen. I hope you don't mind being here" he added, a little more serious.

I _tisked_ him and said "I certainly don't mind at all, Mr. Hathaway." I smiled at him, letting him know it was ok. Why were we talking like we were in the 18th century by the way? In a way, I thought it was kind of cute, the way he carried me over and spoke to me. I wondered if Josh would've…

"Hmm…" he said, pondering a little. He was hovering over me, and I could feel his warmth radiating off of him. "'Being here is like…being taken on a holiday when one has been a good little girl and done all her lessons.'" Sawyer looked at me and smiled. I was confused. What did he just say?

"What was that all about?" At seeing my confused expression, Sawyer laughed.

"It's from the Age of Innocence. Remember reading that novel in lit class?"

Wait. Sawyer read romance novels? "You read all the gooey love stories? Wow" I said a bit too sarcastic. I laughed and stroked his cheek with my hand. Sawyer frowned.

"I…it's not _that_ gooey…" he said, embarrassed. I smiled at his shyness; it really was cute when he did that. Instead of talking some more, I sat up a bit gave him a very passionate kiss. He responded, wrapping his hands around my waist and engulfed me around his body. Mmm….Sawyer was careful as if he didn't want to upset me, but there was such tenderness with each touch, each kiss…it made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. But there was something more that made us yearn for each other…

Secretly, we were broken. It was what pulled us together. We knew what it felt like to be hurt, confused, not knowing what the hell would happen next. We understood each other. Despite all that happened, we pushed forward. I suddenly recalled thinking that one day, Sawyer and I could get past our aches and pains. Now, I was a hundred percent sure that we got over it. Like, really got over it.

***

I was in my closet, cleaning it out, and trying to make sure I didn't forget anything before I left. After I came out of Sawyer's room, I couldn't help but giggle at myself and touch my lips every two seconds. I felt like a little twelve year old who just got a note from a guy telling her that he liked her. Ah, I wish it was that easy nowadays.

I was juggling piles and piles of clothes. I tried to get as much out without making any trips back, but now I realized it was impossible. I managed to turn around inside the closet and not drop anything when suddenly, a shoe fell from my grasp. "Crap" I muttered under my breath. I decided to get it back after I put my clothes on my bed. I returned less than a minute later, when I quickly realized I couldn't find it anywhere. I frowned; where was it?

I got down to my knees, focused on getting my Milano's, something that Kiran gave to me when I was in need of shoes. They really were nice ones, and I couldn't afford to lose any. Where was the damn shoe?

Crouching down even lower, I crawled underneath another rack; they weren't my clothes, but it was probably Jen's. I never went to that corner of the closet, thinking that it was Jen's and it would be a little weird to try on a dead person clothes. I poked my head beneath the clothes when suddenly, I found my shoe stuck in the floor board. It was in a secret compartment, actually. I had a feeling the secret compartment was Jen's. Why else would it be in her closet, under the floorboards?

My shoe was stuck in between the actual floor and the opening. I yanked it out, glad that it wasn't damaged. I decided to explore under the floorboards even more. I rushed out of the closet and brought my phone, using it as a flashlight. It was in a very secluded corner, and it was well thought out.

Returning back to my crouching position, I dug myself deeper underneath the rack and closer to the compartment. I was propped on my elbows, curious as to what was in there. I grunted, feeling a little claustrophobic. I had my phone on my left hand, and my right was getting ready to dig through the secret chamber. I ran my hands blindly through the compartment until I felt a plastic bag. Ohmigod, was it…pot? It took it out and sure enough, it was. Ok…

Jen Hathaway did some pot before she died. Huh. So she wasn't a good girl after all. I rummaged around some more until I found another bag of pot (man, this girl was loaded!), until I came across something hard. I ran my fingers over it, trying to discern what it was until I realized it was a book. Gingerly, I took it out of its hiding place; I quickly realized it _wasn't_ a book, but rather her diary. I dusted off the dust that collected over it. It had an olden day look about it, with its classic leather cover, complete with gold writing saying "Journal" over it in pretty calligraphy.

A part of me told me not to look at it, but the curiosity got the better of me. I opened the front cover, and saw that she wrote in very angry letters "DO NOT OPEN! IF YOU ARE, YOU'RE FUCKING NOSEY AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!" I now realized that maybe Jen and I were more alike than I thought. She was just as paranoid as I was. I chuckled a little, and leaned against the closet wall, stuffing some clothes beneath my butt to make it more comfortable.

The next page contained her first journal entry. It read:

_March 17, 2008_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today I met the hottest, sexiest guy ever. Seriously. He had that total badass look, complete with a motorcycle and a leather jacket. Me, Jack, and his entourage ended up at Rick's bar in Brooklyn, even though I hate going to that dirty, not so Upper East Side place. We ended up talking and…_

I skipped on ahead a few pages. There was nothing really interesting, except the fact that Jen did some street racing in L.A., not to mention that Jen and her literature teacher made out a few times after school (although she repeatedly swore that she was a virgin). I noticed that several months went unnoticed; she didn't write anything down for about six months. Finally I stopped at the next entry, curious as to why there were blots on it and why it looked like someone was crying.

_November 6, 2008_

_Dear Diary,_

_I can't get _him_ out of my head. Every night, I hear _him_ whisper those words, those disgusting words. I feel _his_ hands around my body and all I want to do is cry, scream, and kill that son of a bitch. Mom and dad are upset. They don't understand why I'm failing my classes, and they don't know where I go and what I do after school. They don't know that to drown out his annoying voice, I hang out with the pot heads of my school. Recently, I tired some coke and it was gross. I felt like trash. But it was the only way! I was desperate. _

_Maria caught me cutting myself this afternoon. I told her to fucking knock every time she came in, and the one time I don't want _anybody_ in my room, that stupid Mexican barges in. She didn't say a single word; instead, she got some gauze pads, some tape and some alcohol swabs. It made me cry. Why did she care about me so much? How? I don't understand…_

I felt tears around my eyes. She was…she was raped. Sweet, innocent Jen was robbed of something so personal, that she decided to do drugs, cut herself, and ultimately killed herself. I read on.

_February 22, 2009_

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was Sawyer's birthday. It was his seventeenth. And I acted like a bitch. A bratty, little bitch. Mom, dad, and Graham have pretty much given up on me. They don't bother to ask why I act this way. But my little baby- my Sawyer- doesn't give up me. I felt horrible, seeing his face become disappointed when I chose not to participate. _

_They're all so sad. I was always the belle of the ball, animated and always cheerful. Now…I'm not so sure. Just as my family wonders what happened to me, I wonder the same exact thing. _

_What happened? I always thought that if I was ever thrown in these situations, I wouldn't hesitate; I would go to the police and throw that fucktard in jail. But...he did something more than just open my legs and thrust himself in me. He took my soul. He took advantage of little, innocent Jen and he ruined me. He poured tar over it; so now, I can't see a ray of light anywhere. It's very dark. Sometimes, I think maybe I should just stop fighting and let it get to me…_

_Let him win._

Ring! Ring!

I jumped and gasped. I was so engrossed in Jen's personal feelings that I totally forgot I had been in the closet for about an hour and a half. I brushed my tears aside and looked at my phone. I glanced at the caller I.D. and read that it was an unknown caller. Who was it? And who was willing to disrupt my time reading Jen's diary?

It kept on ringing. I grunted, because my legs and arms were so numb. "Hello?" I asked a little too harsh. "Hello?" I asked again. They weren't answering. I was getting a pissed off now.

"Reed." That voice sounded so raspy…and scary. Ohmigod, was it my stalker? I was frozen. How did they get my number? Oh no, oh no…

"Who is this?!" I demanded. I was going to make them pay. They had no reason to call me. Fucking psycho people.

"Reed…be careful. Just be careful. Please" plead the person. What? Why were they telling me to be careful? That crazy, stalker voice was trying to help me out. Why? And who was it?

My heart hammering, I asked again "Who the fuck is this! Tell me now goddammit or I'll…"

I couldn't finish my sentence because I heard the dial tone right after that. I sat there, stunned. As much as I hated to admit this, but someone who knew what was going on tried to keep me safe. They were helping me. There was one thing that was different about Jen and I. At least I knew, even if it was an insane person, that someone out there cared about me.

Even if it was for the wrong reasons.

* * *

**so anyway, first quarter ended and i'm like really pissed at myself. i hate highschool! and geometry! i'm so pissed at myself; i'm fucking asian (indian actually) and i suck at math! something wrong happened when i was growing in my mom's tummy...ugh... i should probably write a whole fml blog or something :) **

**so, instead of being mad and upset, i put this up. hope you like it. ****thanks for the reviews! although i must say, the lack of reviews is disappointing, but...i'll live. anywho, what do you think? like i said, i'll be ending soon; i can't wait myself. lol. like the whole jen's diary thing? i had this idea come up about jen and i was like cool!**

**reviews please! **


	27. Chapter 27

Delayed

"Tropical Storm Charlotte is for sure making a beeline for the Caribbean, with a good chance of hitting tomorrow by nightfall in St. Barth's" said the news caster. "The storm is coming from the east, affecting St. Barth's first and most likely continuing upwards…" I was pissed. I was supposed to be leaving tomorrow afternoon, but it was raining like crazy. It had started two days ago, and it hadn't stopped since. I angrily flipped the channel, looking for not so depressing shows.

Everything was ready to go, and I couldn't have been happier to leave. But no, Miss Reed Brennen had to be stuck here and the stupid warm and cold waters had to mix NOW, out of all times. The amount of frustration was building up; I had to do something before I exploded.

I quickly got up from the couch. As I turned around the corner, I saw Maria heading out to the garage. "Where do you think you're going? It's raining like crazy out there" I asked Maria. She jumped, frightened by my sudden presence. It was eight at night already.

She turned around and said "_Senor_ Sawyer told me to get something. Don't worry, I be back, _mi reina_" assured Maria. She smiled lovingly and left. I shrugged, not as mad anymore, but still frustrated. I ran up the stairs and slammed the door shut. I lied down on my bed, and let out an aggravated sigh. I looked over to my side table and picked up Jen's diary.

The first time, I skipped around, but now it was customary to read it like a book. I still wasn't sure if I should tell Sawyer about the diary. Would he get mad at me for keeping it from him? Would he get really upset as to why Jen killed herself? Did he even want to know? Not only that, was it mine to read and keep? Brushing those questions aside, I opened the diary and read the next entry. I was already three-fourths done.

_December 25, 2008_

_Dear Dairy,_

_Its Christmas time and I'm not happy. I don't think I deserve to be happy. I don't think I will ever be granted happiness. My new Christian Louboutin shoes, which usually made me happy, look like a piece of crap now. Paige came to talk to me a few minutes ago. She tried to coax me into saying anything, but she left, calling me a self-absorbed bitch. She had no right to say that._

_But am I a self-absorbed bitch? Did succumbing to the darkness make me one? It wasn't my fault. So no, I'd like to think that I'm not a self-absorbed bitch._

_Life hurts, I've come to realize. When you hurt, you want everyone else to hurt. But they're not you. Why do specific things happen to specific people? Why, out of the six billion people, why me? Why not the slut Poppy Simon, or that annoying Sienna girl? _

_It's because we have something they don't. What it is, I don't know, but I'd like to take comfort in that. For now, at least. _

I set the diary down and thought about the last few sentences Jen wrote. Did I have something that nobody else had? Not only that, did I even have anything worth being the target of three attempted murders?

Suddenly, I heard someone knock on my door. I jumped and in came Sawyer, his head poking in to see if it was ok if he came in. I quickly shoved the diary underneath the blanket, not willing to give the diary to Sawyer yet. "Hey" I said a little too fast. My heart was still racing. I nonchalantly sat up on my bed trying to look casual.

He came forward, standing by the corner of the bed. He looked at me a little weird and asked "Do you mind…? I mean I can…" Sawyer looked at me uncertainly. I shook my head and said:

"Sawyer, you don't always have to ask! Sit down" I replied, all the while gesturing for him to sit next to me. I dug the diary beneath the pillow, making sure it was tucked in safe. I sat on the pillow, and leaned against the head board. Sawyer did the same.

He sighed. "The storm should pass in a couple of days, so it'll be alright." He looked at me sheepishly. "I know you're mad and upset, but hang in there, ok?" Sawyer took my hand and clung onto it tightly.

I smiled at him. "Sawyer, its fine. I'm just being a bratty little girl. Plus, this will probably be the only time we'll actually get to spend together. So," I leaned in a little "we should spend it wisely."

Sawyer shrugged and said "Sure thing." He leaned in even more and kissed me. Our lips lingered for a second later, until suddenly the kisses became more intense and full of longing. I pressed my body against his, fiddling with his shirt buttons. He cupped my face, and wrapped one strong arm around my waist. Sawyer pulled back, giving me some room to breathe. He buried his head on my shoulder, slowly working his way on my neck and back to my lips. I sighed and let him work his magic. Maybe staying here for a couple more days wasn't such a bad idea…

All of a sudden, we heard an ear splitting crash from downstairs. We were hoping that Maria would yell back and say everything was fine, but she didn't. Sawyer and I froze. We looked at each other, wondering what the hell just happened. I shook my head. "What's going on?" I half whispered. I was scared. For some reason, my heart was hammering and I knew something was up.

Sawyer got off of me and headed towards the door. "I don't know; maybe Maria dropped something. I'm gonna go check" said Sawyer. I wanted to tell him my doubts, but I couldn't. He left before I could even utter a word. Something wasn't right. I had a heavy feeling in my chest; usually when this happened, I was always right.

Thirty seconds seemed like ten years. I hugged my knees, curling into a tight ball trying very hard not to dwell on scary thoughts. But I couldn't. A nagging feeling enveloped me and I couldn't ignore it. I sat there for what it seemed like another decade, when I finally looked at the clock. Seven minutes had already passed. Ohmigod, seven minutes! Why hadn't Sawyer come up and say something? What happened?

I had to check now. I could've cared less about what would happen if I went downstairs. Something was definitely going on, and I had to find out now. Knees shaking, I got up from my bed, and rushed out of me room. The house had an eerie, cold feeling and it was very dark. The wind howled, making me jump. Stealthy, I went down the stairs, not making a single sound.

The first floor was even darker. The only source of light came from the kitchen. I didn't hear a single sound anywhere; this only made me more scared. I looked over by the massive patio windows and saw God's wrath taking place outside. My heart was beating like crazy, and the anticipation was taking over me. I walked on even more when I suddenly felt something hard at my feet.

I froze. Ohmigod, it was Sawyer! He was knocked out cold, and he lay limply on the floor. Oh shit, oh shit! My stalker was here! No! I went down to my knees, and checked his pulse. He was still alive, thank God. I few tears escaped from my eyes. The fear had finally gotten a hold of me. "Sawyer, Sawyer get up! Now! Come on!" As I said those words, I slapped him gently on the face a couple of times to try to get him wake up. He didn't stir one bit. "Come on, come on!" I sobbed. My worst nightmare was coming true.

If my stalker was truly inside the house, I had to call the police now. I got up and ran into the kitchen where the phone was at, glancing back at Sawyer to make sure he was alright. I turned around the corner and saw the kitchen. Finally! The kitchen was in sight! I could finally get the-

I yelped as I went face down on the cold, hard tiles. What did I just trip on now? I groaned at the sudden impact. I turned to my side and saw Maria's face facing me, blood oozing out of her head. Her eyes were wide open and her mouth was slightly parted in one last attempt to call for help. I screamed. I screamed so loud. She was dead. Oh no, oh no! My whole body shook. I got up a little, and through the thickness of my tears, I saw a blue vase shattered next to Maria's dead body. Ohmigod, Ohmigod, what was I going to do?! I gave a choked sob and got up. "Maria!" I yelled. I checked for her pulse, but it was gone. Her whole body was cold.

I was sobbing uncontrollably. How could this happen? Why now? I hiccupped and got up fully this time. I had to call the police now! When I did get up and peered over the kitchen counter, it was definitely something I didn't wish to see.

"Looking for this?" asked the girl.

It seemed like my whole world was going upside down. I looked at her in horror. How…what…? All these questions bubbled in my brain. I was so screwed. I looked over to the side of the counter and found someone else. My suspicions were correct; there were two people after me. But what was _she_ doing here also?!

It was none other than Poppy Simon and Taylor Bell themselves.

* * *

**thanks for the reviews guys!  
**

**dun dun dun...so, what do you think? next one is the resolution chapter so hang in there! anyway, i pretty much put poppy out there so it was no surprise that she was behind it. anyway, i cant wait on what you guys have to say about this. oh and by the way, after suspicion, i'm so gonna start on scandal, so dont worry :) **

**reviews please!**


	28. Chapter 28

* * *

**Here goes people! last chapter...**

**

* * *

  
**

No

My eyes were wide. I was so close to peeing in my pants at that moment from sheer fear. As I looked into Poppy and Taylor's faces, I realized that although Poppy looked jubilant Taylor looked like crap. I saw her lips swollen and she looked as if she was treading through the crazy forests of St. Barth's for a very long time. For some reason, I couldn't think that Taylor was actually after me. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that now _three _former best friends had been after me. It was all Poppy's doing.

I looked back at Poppy. "What are you doing here?" I whispered. I had no intention of moving towards Poppy and Taylor. I swallowed. The devil smiled.

"What do you think I'm doing?" she said in her thick British accent, as if it was that obvious. Of course. I glanced at Taylor, and she looked like she was going to cry. Her head was cast down and I knew in that moment, she never wanted to hurt me.

I summoned up some courage and said "You have some balls for coming here. It's pretty sad that it took you a month to get to this point, even though you had plenty of chances." I stopped. I knew that I just provoked something right now. Poppy's face hardened and she stood up. She was coming towards me, pure venom apparent in every move; it was graceful yet deadly. I began to walk backwards out of the kitchen and my heart was hammering like crazy. I stepped out, careful not to look at Maria's dead body. I vaguely saw Taylor's head snap up, her expression scared and worried.

My feet rested well in the middle of the living room, where you could see everything from the windows, and hopefully the cops would see something too (I hoped). Poppy sighed. "You're bloody right Reed. God knows how hard it was. But now, I'm here. So, waiting for a whole month doesn't really bother me. Have you gotten your answer yet?" she asked mockingly. We were several feet apart. Outside, the wind howled causing me to jump.

I stood there, not knowing what to do. Why was she here? Did she still hate me because of Upton? I had already broken up with him. And what was Taylor doing with her? I glanced at the kitchen and back at Poppy. "Why is Taylor with you?" I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Hmph. Well, the story goes that Poppy, Reed, Noelle, and everyone else were so popular. But poor Taylor felt left out. This new girl" she said while gesturing at me, "stole the man that she loved. She stole her best friend also. Miss Taylor has every reason to want you dead, doesn't she, Taylor?" she half yelled. She cocked her head to the side, and out came Taylor, trembling from head to toe. Right at the moment, I knew for a fact it wasn't Taylor's doing. She had the phone in her hand that Poppy had a minute ago. Perfect. All I had to do was go over and…

I scoffed as Taylor approached us. "That is the gayest cover-up I have ever heard. Really? You were planning to use her to get to me? I expected more, Poppy. What a shame" I said. I smiled. Despite the situation, I had the urge to laugh at the stupidity of it. "Why? Upton and I are no more. There's no reason to hate me."

Poppy's lips formed a thin line. "First off, it is a brilliant plan, and I'm not lying about what I said. She's always been the girl without a boyfriend. She's never the center of attention. Oh and what else did you say Taylor? That you hated the fact that the red neck has more friends than you? That she gets all the attention for being a nobody? And that you wanted Upton, but that hoe took him from you? Is that not right Taylor?"

_What?_

Taylor actually felt that way about me? I was stunned. She had always been so sweet to me. She never showed any ounce of jealousy. In fact, she seemed fine when Upton and I were going out. I swallowed and faced Taylor. "Is it true?"

She came forward a bit and said "Reed listen, she took advantage of me! She was being really nice, and Poppy never took notice of me before. I had a few drinks and…" Tears had started to fall down. "I would never want to hurt you Reed. Never."

I paused. Realization dawned on me. I looked at Poppy. "You were the one who pushed me off the boat" I said. It was pretty obvious. Flashbacks of recent events came forward. "And you drugged me, and…" I looked at Taylor and pointed at her. "You tried to warn me." Taylor slightly nodded.

"You called her?! You called her even though I told you not to?!" screamed Poppy. Taylor and I were frozen; my heart went out to her. Poppy then went over to Taylor and slapped her hard on the face. Taylor somewhat fell over, and clutched her cheek. She didn't even scream or yelp. It was if she was used to it.

I was in shock. "No! Stop it! What the hell is your problem?!" I stood where I was, anger spewing off of me.

Poppy looked at Taylor for split second and looked back at me. "It's none of your business" she spat.

Never in that moment did I hate someone as much as Poppy. She was torturing Taylor and me for her own sport. It disgusted me.

I turned my head around and faced Poppy. "You're a load of bullshit you know that? This is so stupid! Why don't you run back to Upton? I'm no longer with him. So why can't you leave me alone!" I screamed. I was getting annoyed and frustrated. Not only that, my thoughts were preoccupied on what Poppy was going to do next. For now, my plan was to stall as much as I could.

Poppy's face became furious. "No! Why would I leave you alone when all Upton does is cry 'I love Reed! I want her!' Why would I leave you alone when I can have you dead, and not worry about Upton fussing over you?! Why when I can just get rid of you?" whispered Poppy.

I was petrified. There was a weird sense of déjà vu going on. Arianna…now Poppy. Both girls were obsessed over some guy that they loved, but whom ultimately loved me. I swallowed. She really was going to kill me. The look on her face looked like a murderer's and a crazy person. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some red and blue lights flashing in the forest. _The cops_. I looked over at Taylor, who was now up, and she nodded at me. Ah, so it was Taylor who called them. Relief washed over me. The cops were going to save us, and Poppy was going to rot in a mental ward.

It seemed like Poppy noticed our silent exchange, for she looked at both of us and out the window. By now, the faint wail of the siren could be heard. Her eyes popped out in horror. "What…how?" She looked over at Taylor, who had a guilty expression on her face. Her face scrunched up and she went over and kicked Taylor in the stomach. Taylor yelped and clutched her midsection. She was down on the ground. Poppy then used her signature kick-in-the-face maneuver a couple of times causing Taylor to go silent.

"No!" I screamed as I came towards them. I rushed forward, and pushed Poppy out of Taylor's way. I went down to my knees and slapped Taylor on the face. "Come on Taylor, get up!" I looked back at Poppy.

"You bitch!" she hollered. I got up, ready to run in the kitchen and use any utensils against her. She came at me, arms outstretched as if she was going to choke me to death. She lunged at me, caught me by the neck and shoulders and threw me down. I screamed at the sudden impact of the hardwood floors. I tried to get up, but she had already came down to me wrapped her bony hands around my throat. I tried to wriggle free, but she had her iron hands around my neck, blocking the flow of oxygen.

I began to see black dots around my eyes, and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. My hands were plastered on hers, trying to get her nasty ones off of my neck. I really did try. But she wouldn't budge. She was fixed on killing me, and for a second I saw happiness in her eyes.

It really was going to be over. Unlike everyone else, Poppy might just actually finish the job. _No Reed! Don't give up! The cops are coming! You'll be fine!_

Was I going to be alright? My eyes fluttered a bit and I knew for a fact that Poppy had won. After everything I went through, I was finally giving in for a crazy British girl. She smiled her sick smile, and for a split second I saw Thomas's and Cheyenne's beautiful warm eyes, welcoming me to their arms.

"Freeze! Put your hands up in the air!"

Those words were music to me. My saviors! They were finally here! Poppy froze and she let go of her grip on my neck. Shock was written all over her face and she looked upset and in a daze. I turned over and coughed several times, trying to gain back all the oxygen that I had lost.

It was over. It really was. A wave of peaceful calmness washed over me, despite the weird situation. I felt numb. I had a feeling I was going to explode in no time. I was in a daze, still not being able to grasp what happened.

I saw a couple of cops rush towards Poppy and grab her by the arms. As they recited her rights, she screamed "I'll get you, you little slut!" She kicked at the police officers and threw her arms around to try and get me. I was still in shock to even care what Poppy was going to do next. I was too tired to even think.

"Hey, are you alright?" asked a male officer. I was still on the ground, not noticing the commotion around me.

I looked up and said "Yes, but two of my friends are down and one person is…is dead." Tears started to form around my eyes.

He nodded and looked past me, undoubtedly Taylor. "One of your friends is awake. He's talking to the police right now." I nodded sheepishly. He looked at me sympathetically and helped me up. He wrapped one strong around my waist and got me steady on my feet.

"Thank you, officer" I whispered. A wave of emotions was threatening to take over me. He nodded and released me when Sawyer was in sight.

"Reed!" he exclaimed. Relief swept over me and he came over me and gave me a hug. He crushed me with his strong arms and whispered over and over again that it was going to be alright.

But it wasn't. I hadn't realized that I was sobbing on Sawyer's shoulder. He was holding onto me, making sure I wouldn't fall. Suddenly, I crashed. I fell down in that spot, and I wasn't aware of everyone's concerned faces as I screamed a bloody murder. I screamed all the frustration and anger I had in me. I screamed over the fact that no matter what, nothing was going to be alright. No matter how hard I tried, something was going to pull me back down and hit me hard. No matter how hard I tried to make myself free, I was still bound.

I was still bound to the fact that some day, somehow, it was finally going to get to me and I wouldn't give a damn. I was still bound to the fact that some day, somehow, I was finally going to writher away and no one would notice. I was still bound to the fact that some day, somehow, someone would succeed.

It didn't matter how many times people told me it was going to be alright. Because in reality, it never was and it never will be.

* * *

**eh, didn't really like it. i feel like it kind of sucked, but of course, i always want to hear what you have to say.**

**well, i just wanted to thank all of the 122 reviews, all the story alerts, and all the people who even bothered to read my story. i've mentioned before that i've never written a story in my life and i'm serious when i say that. and i'm sooo glad that i put this on here, because i would have never had the guts to do this or even write a story. like every time i read your reviews, i'm damn. you guys always make my day. i know this little author's note is pretty cheesy, but i'm a 100% sincere about everything i've written on here. so again, thank you all for the support and the nice reviews/suggestions. look forward to a lot more of stories from me (well, i can't really guarantee that). love you guys :) and thanks again.  
**


End file.
